The information is starting to sink in. “You knew all this and never told me?”
“What would I have said? Plus you’d never have believed me.”
I ponder that thought for a minute and decide he’s right. Unless Noah told me in detail, or I had seen it with my own eyes, I would never believe something like this is even possible. And I’m ashamed the courtesy I’m currently giving Alex wasn’t given to Noah when he tried to explain. “You’re right.” I stifle a yawn.
“I better let you get some rest. This must be a lot for you to take in.”
“I needed to know, Alex.”
He nods. “Yeah, I know.” He stands up and gives my hand a squeeze then walks towards the door.
“Alex?”
He turns back around. “You don’t need to ask. I’m on it as soon as I leave here.”
“Am I that easy to read?”
“Yeah.” A smile engulfs his face then sobers. “Don’t get your hopes up, though, okay? He loves you. But we all know he has stupid-arse ways of dealing with shit.”
As Alex leaves, I turn my head on my pillow and bury my face, letting the torrent of tears fall. I long to hold my son in my arms and let the feel of his little heartbeat heal the hurt in mine, like it has so many times over the years. Fear for Noah and shame for my part in the pain he’s dealing with grips me, along with a selfish fear for myself. Because if Noah left me here without speaking to me, it means he won’t be coming back.
THE ENGINE OF the car ticks over, vibrating my legs; I’m not brave enough to turn it off yet. I borrowed Noah’s Mustang as I’ve been staying at his place since I was discharged. Boo hasn’t left my side and did me the favour of staying with Kai. I stare out the window at Ignition and try and convince myself I’m doing what is best. In his stubborn mind this is Noah’s way of looking after me and Kai. I’m sure of it. He loves fiercely and the love he holds for us can’t have disappeared. Since he refused to talk with Alex, and won’t answer his phone, I figure I’ll try to find him where he feels most at home. If they’d released me sooner, this could all be over with already.
In my restless sleep at the hospital, for weeks I imagined him sitting on the side of the bed, running his fingers through my hair, his deep voice soothing my nightmares. But when my brain woke enough for my eyes to focus, he was never there. Although my body was still very much convinced he was. The last few days since being discharged, I do know it’s been him keeping watch outside the house in the early hours of the morning. It’s his bike, his helmet. And those thighs could not be mistaken anywhere. But whenever I open the door and peer down the drive, the only thing remaining is the whine of the engine in the distance. I’ve rested and feel like my old self; I’m ready to try and win him back.
I sigh and turn off the car, giving myself a pep talk at the same time, because knowing Noah he’s not going to make this easy. If he’s even here.
He’ll hurt me to protect me. But I love him enough to deal with his crap. Enough is enough though. We need him home.
I push open the small entrance in the roller door. It clangs shut and Spud pokes out from under a car he’s working on, slides out on the trolley, and gets to his feet.
“Is he here?” I blurt the words out in a nervous rush.
Spud shakes his head. His face taut, and dark shadows line his eyes. “No, Lizzie. He isn’t.”
“Do you know where he is? I need to see him.”
“I’m not sure that’s a good idea.” He grabs a rag off his toolbox and wipes his grease-covered hands.
“What do you mean?” My mind races with all the possibilities and I shift anxiously on my feet.
His shoulders rise and fall before he answers. “He’s a mess. Torturing himself. He locks himself away in the gym and spends hours, and I mean hours, working out. I don’t know how his body’s still functioning.” He shakes his head sadly. “And I’m not sure how he’ll react to seeing you.”
Pain spikes in my chest at his words. “Is he drinking?” It’s a stupid question. I’d checked at Macy’s first before coming here. It worried me not to find him there. But then again, it’s not the first time I’ve underestimated him.
Spud stares at me like he’s contemplating not telling me the answer, and my stomach roils.
“He drank for a few weeks solid, but never left his office, apart from going to the toilet and I even think he managed the odd shower here and there.” He lets out a sad chuckle. “Then he just stopped and hit the gym instead. He’s not talking to anyone, not even Cait. He lives and sleeps here. For the few hours he’s not in the gym he gets his hands dirty, makes a phone call, and sorts the paperwork.”
My ears prick. “What call?” I want to know what’s so important he makes a call every day, but won’t come anywhere near me, or Kai.
Spud gives me the same look again but sighs, flings the rag onto the floor, and shoves his hands into his pockets. “Every day he phones Bear. He asks how you are, how Kai is, and that’s it. Bear’s tried talking to him but Noah just won’t hold a conversation, won’t even attempt to answer his questions. I’m not sure how they’ll fix this thing between them, or even if they can.”
Staring thoughtfully at him, I let the words sink in. Every day he phones to check on me and Kai? My heart falters. He’s still making sure we’re safe. I knew that was him passing by the house.
“Has he told you what happened?”
“Nah. I’ve already told you, he isn’t speaking to anyone. I keep hoping he’ll snap out of it, like the drinking, but… I know enough; Bear filled me in.”
I nod my head, grateful I don’t need to go over old ground. “So, where is he now?” My skin prickles and the air around me charges.
“He’s…” Spud’s gaze fixes behind me.
Without his giveaway, I sense Noah walk in before he even utters a word.
“What the fuck are you doing here?” His voice sounds pained, hoarse and scratchy from lack of use, and displeasure drips from every syllable.
Spud rolls his eyes. “I guess you have the answer.” He walks past me and squeezes my shoulder. “Good luck.”
I hear him say, “Play nice,” then the slam of the small door and the rattle of the roller let me know he’s left.
My heart rate picks up, and my breaths become a little shallower as a tremor of anticipation runs through me. I haven’t seen his impossibly handsome face in weeks and it may as well be two lifetimes, because nothing prepares me for what I’m confronted by when I turn around.
His skin’s grey, cheeks sunken, and dark circles cast shadows under his eyes. The scruff on his jaw is longer than I have ever seen it, almost a full beard. As I scan further down his body, I take in his T-shirt, strung so tight over his chest and biceps it’s close to splitting. His jeans hang from his hips but the fabric strains against his thighs. Anger radiates off him. But he’s still stunning and my body lurches into hyperaware, full of need at the sight of him.
“Did you come to get laid? Get your kit off then, love.” His rubs his crotch and leers at me. I know what he’s trying to do, but it still angers me. “I could use a little release right now. Hmm, and you could have brought your mouthy friend with you; my cock down her throat would teach her to keep quiet.”
Shocked, I glare at him, unsure how to handle him in this state of mind. Spud’s forewarning ricochets around my mind, and with a small sigh of relief realise I’m not intimidated by him. I never have been. And I knew he would push me away. His gaze bores into mine and something shifts behind the darkness.
“Well, if you haven’t come for my cock then you can fuck off.” A cruel laugh bursts out of him, much like the menacing one he gave to Archie.