I follow him in and sit in the visitor’s chair just like at our initial meeting. When my eyes settle on his face, it’s still set hard, but the fire burns behind the shutters to his soul. He taps his fingers on the desk three times before sitting down.
“I hate you being so far away from me.” He gives me a lazy smile. “I hated it then, too. The first feelings I had for you were protective. I wanted to kill the fucker who took the light from your eyes. Then when you started interviewing me, the storm returned. And fuck me, you on my bike had them raging brighter than ever.” He releases a low breath.
“I can assure you, it wasn’t your bike.”
“Yeah?” He gives a short burst of laughter. “Awesome.”
“Are you okay to tell me about before now?”
He shifts in his seat. “Can I have your hands?”
I willingly place my hands in his. I need the contact with him as much as he needs it with me. The hard calluses on his thumbs, so familiar, rub over my skin.
“How was last time worse?” I know I’m pushing him, but I need to understand his side. I want to hear it from him.
“Sounds fucked up, doesn’t it? Well, so was I.” He takes another deep breath and his brows furrow. “I’d spent years avoiding any form of relationship. You know that. I dealt with loss, I’d dealt with fear, anger, desire, and other shit, but I hadn’t dealt with love, jealousy, or rejection before. At least not the kind I had with you. I may have been a grown man, but in those emotions I was just out of preschool.” A warm smile crosses his face from hearing my laughter.
He lets go of one of my hands and runs his fingers through his hair. “I didn’t cope well without you. The thought of his hands on you drove me insane. Every night was hell for me imagining what you two could be doing together.”
I want to interject but I don’t want to stop him from opening up, so I bite my tongue.
“The realisation I was never enough and you were never truly mine killed me.” His sad eyes flash at me then return to watching our joined hands. “I hit rock bottom, hard. I was drinking myself stupid every fucking night, and if I’m honest, most of the day as well. As far as I could see there was no point in me actually being around anymore. You didn’t want me. I sure as shit wasn’t any use to anyone in the state I was in. So I figured I’d be better off, the world would be better off, if I wasn’t here.”
He gives a soulless laugh and raises his beautiful, drawn face to look at me. “You know how that went.”
My heart squeezes and my eyes well with tears. “You could have died, Noah.”
“Yeah, I know.” His expression hardens for a second.
“Doesn’t it bother you?”
“No. Not being here in the world for you and Kai? That bothers the fuck out of me. Which is why this time, I dealt better with the whole situation, believe it or not.”
He gives my hands a tender squeeze when a choked sob emits from my throat. “I know you think I’m off the rails, but this time I had it under control. Yeah, I drank. It’s my go-to move, but I allowed myself two weeks and no more. I never went near another woman; I didn’t want anyone else.” His forehead furrows. “My heart never has.”
The relief which sweeps through me from his words can’t be described. Only felt. But it evokes a waterfall of tears.
His face softens. “Hey, I hope that’s relief and not disappointment.”
Unable to form a coherent sentence, I nod, raising a lopsided smile from him.
He lifts my hands to his face, presses them against his full lips for a beat, and then continues.
“After, I channelled every bit of anger, all the pain, into working out instead. Yesterday came to the point where I was ready to be debriefed. I had to get it all off my chest. Needed to deal with it once and for all.”
“So, you’re okay?” I sniffle, pull my hands back, and wipe under my eyes with the backs of them.
“Mentally, I’m in good shape, apparently. Emotionally, I’ve always been a bit of a hothead. Well, about you at least.” The expression that crosses his face removes years from his features. As it fades, his brows crease. “Um… How’s my little man?”
I thought I had lost the tension in my body until he asks that, but with his words every muscle liquefies. “He misses you.”
He nods at me, reaches out, and pulls on my hand. “Come here.”
I willingly go. He shifts in his seat and I settle onto his lap, snuggling up into his neck. “You really need to shave.”
A low chuckle rumbles against my chest. “No shit.”
He holds me against him and we remain there, in silence, for a few minutes. His lips graze my forehead and he squeezes me a little tighter. “You have no idea how much I’ve missed both of you.”
His confession makes my chest hurt, but in a good way.
He sighs, and it’s heavy and heartfelt. “Can you live with who I was?”
“You’re not who you think you are. I’m sorry I reacted the way I did. I was shocked, but I should’ve heard you out.” Renewed guilt floods through me.
“You’ve got nothing to be sorry for, angel. That one’s on me. I should’ve told you earlier. You know what they say about hindsight. But can you? I mean… Can you accept me with my past? Where I came from?”
“Yes. I already have. I should have…” I pause and run my thumb along the jagged scar on his cheek; it still looks angry, even after all this time.
“Stop.” His gruff voice breaks through my thoughts. Taking my hand in his, he lowers it to his mouth and sucks on my thumb, nipping at the pad with his teeth. “It’s not your fault.”
Dropping my gaze, I struggle to say something, anything to express how sorry I am, but nothing seems enough. How could it ever be enough? “But if I hadn’t—” I try to at least start somewhere, but he cuts me off.
“It’s not your fault,” he assures softly. He grips my chin so my eyes rise to meet his. “That decision was all mine.”
“But I still feel responsible.” I sigh, trying to break his unwavering gaze.
“You can only be responsible for your own actions, Lizzie, not those of others. People make their own choices. Yes you can perhaps persuade them in some way, but ultimately the final decision is theirs.”
I let his words sink in and enjoy the comfort of his arms around me.
“Noah?”
“Yeah?”
“Please come home. I’m not asking you to break the stupid no sex rule you’ve set. But I want us to be a family.”
His chest heaves under my hand with each shaky breath he takes. “That’s what you want?”
“It’s all I’ve ever wanted.”
He remains quiet, except for the rapid thud of his heart. I glance up at him to find his eyes glistening back at me with so much love in them it’s hard to believe it’s for me. He still hasn’t answered me. “Please, Noah. Will you?”
A small tear leaks from one eye. “Nothing on this earth would make me fucking happier.” His lazy smile appears as he squeezes me a little tighter. “Come on, angel. Let’s go home.”
Six Months Later
WALKING INTO OUR home, I throw my workbag into the corner of the kitchen, and my dirty T-shirt quickly follows it. The house is quiet and causes the ever-present uneasiness to squeeze my stomach before I get the chance to fight it down. It’s too quiet. I take a deep breath.
She’s probably still out at work. Otherwise, Kai would’ve come barrelling at me the minute I walked in. Cait’s babysitting while Lizzie’s working. It’s all good.
The reasoning eases my nerves a little, and I manage to restrain myself from rampaging through the house to find them. Glancing over at the kitchen counter, I spot a few letters and shuffle through them. It works to calm me, plus it makes me smile. The feeling it gives me to see her coming through my door is one I’d never want to be without again.