“Okay.” I was trying so hard to be strong. I knew reliving this was agonizing and he was worried about my feelings. “Keep going.” My voice wobbled as the moisture behind my eyes filled.
“We were dancing and flirting, nothing too unusual for the two of us. I always knew she had a crush on me, but I never went there, out of respect for my sister. Kimi made me promise. But after our fight, and a few shots, that promise went out the fucking window ... I kissed her.” Chase looked disgusted with himself, shaking his head, like he committed a heinous crime. “And being a fucking horny stupid jackass, I brought her upstairs.” He sat straight up; the rage in his eyes was indescribable. “At the same time, my sister was getting in a car with that wasted asshole ... fuck, Lili, I let that happen. If I wasn’t so fucking selfish I could have stopped her. I would have fucking stopped her even if I had to pull her away kicking and screaming. Instead I was upstairs fucking her best friend.” He dropped his head in his hands as his whole body trembled. I had no words.
“A few hours later, my father was screaming my name like a lunatic through the house. I must have passed out with Talia, because I woke up fumbling, searching for my clothes. I took one look at my dad’s face and I was instantly sick. Lil, he was a fucking mess. I barely got out the front door and I started vomiting. It was the longest fucking car ride of my life. He wouldn’t look at me, didn’t say anything until we pulled up to the hospital. All he said was ‘your sister was in an accident.’ Part of me died when he spoke those words. I knew, I knew by his face she was dead or dying. Cracking my chest open without anesthesia would have hurt less. The pain was, fuck, I can’t even describe it. That motherfucker wrapped his car around a fucking tree not even a mile from the house, leaving my sister half brain dead.”
His jaw was so tight. I could tell he was still just so angry. I was beyond heartbroken for the man I loved.
I clung to his neck, hoping my death grip could soothe a fraction of the pain he carried. “Oh baby, I’m so sorry.” I had never felt so devoid of words.
His arms tightened around my waist, matching my grip. “She didn’t die, Blue. That would have been a blessing ... instead my parents sent her to fucking hell for three years, a fucking long-term facility in Boston. If you could even call it that.” He released me, abruptly stood and slammed his clenched fists against my mattress, punching with such force that my headboard crushed against the wall. “My parents basically wrote her off. They didn’t even fucking visit her, said it was better that way,” he hissed. “I transferred to BU second semester so I could at least be closer, could visit ... not as often as I should have. Fuck, if I just would have visited sooner, then maybe...” His voice trailed off.
He clenched his eyelids so tight even his brow wrinkled, as if he was trying to stop memories from flooding. As if the memories alone were causing him physical pain. My heart ached for him. I couldn’t even begin to imagine that kind of loss, that kind of sorrow. I was so young when I lost my mother, I wasn’t even sure if the few memories I had were real or created from old pictures that went along with stories I had been told. I missed having a mother, but that wasn’t the same as missing my mother. Chase missed his sister. His twin and best friend. For half of a fraction of a millisecond I felt lucky. Then six plus feet of taut muscle dropped to his knees against my bed. His shoulders were shaking. He was shaking. I didn’t know what to do.
Chase’s voice was barely audible. “Every time I went to see her, I walked down the long corridor to her depressing room. Hell, it was more of a prison than a hospital, and I would pray I’d walk in and see her moving, any movement. I knew it wasn’t possible, but I’d be damned if it didn’t stop me from hoping. That’s why I think I froze that day. I literally fucking stood still for at least ten seconds. Or maybe that’s how long it took my brain to process ... ten fucking seconds too many.” The anticipation of his next words created a dreadful feeling in my chest; my heart hurt. “Her head was turned toward the door and her eyes were open. It almost looked like she was nodding at me, trying to tell me something. Then I realized it was just the movement of the bed being propelled forward by the sick fuck that was on top of her, fucking her like an animal ... raping her.” I slapped my hand over my mouth, my gut clenched so tight the bile slid up and stung the back of my throat. I wanted to be strong for him, but I had zero control of the tremble shaking my body. “It took another five seconds before my legs could actually move. The worthless staff member must have heard the one scream that fucker let out before my fist cracked his jaw, and pulled me off him before I killed the son of a bitch. She was trapped in that bed. Fuck, she was trapped in her own brain ... left alone with those deranged motherfuckers.” Tears streaked down my cheeks as Chase kept his head against my bed. My brain would not wrap around the fact that he witnessed his sister being dehumanized. She was completely defenseless, lying in a hospital bed unable to fight, unable to scream. The memories of my own rape poured into my brain. I looked down at my hands, watching the tears soak into my skin. I realized I couldn’t even feel them. My blood was ice; my body was completely numb. I knew I needed to comfort Chase. I needed to bend down and hold him, but I was frozen.
He swallowed hard, lifting his watery eyes. “Baby, when I found out you were raped I felt like I was reliving my nightmare all over again. I saw nothing but red. How could it be possible that something so disgusting happened to the only two women I have ever cared about? I was so angry I was going out of my mind. I had to leave. I had to fight. I knew you needed me, but I left anyway. I am so sorry, baby, so sorry.”
My mind was racing. My body was still in shock, but I knew I had to say something. “Chase, no. Stop. I can’t believe ... oh god, I’m so sorry.” I sunk into the bed, my words felt so meaningless. Because they were meaningless. Every time someone said, “I can’t believe that happened to you” and “I’m so sorry” I had felt nothing. There was no amount of comfort or sympathy to rid the feeling of emptiness. The reason I built my wall.
My cold limp hand reached for him anyway. I needed his warmth more than air. We both needed reassurance the other wasn’t going anywhere. He was my safe place, or I hoped so, and I wanted him to know I was his safe place too.
“I know why you left.” Because I did. After I was raped I left too. I left physically, but I left emotionally, too. I chose to walk around with an ironclad barrier devoid of all emotion to survive. “This nightmare ... oh my god.” I gripped his cheeks begging for our eyes to meet. As much as I knew it calmed him, it calmed me too. “It has haunted you for decades and then you had to sit there and listen to what happened to me. Shit. I should have told you. I should have warned you. I was just so-” I choked on my words. I was the cause of so much more pain for him. My heart literally ached.