“Lili, no, baby.” He stroked a finger down my cheek, searching, looking. I wasn’t sure what he was looking for but I was pretty sure he didn’t find it. My eyes must have been too full of sadness and pain. “Don’t you fucking dare think this is your fault, please, baby, no. I told you before I’m toxic. I’m the fucked up one who has never dealt with her death. Shit, I’ve never been able to forgive myself.” He raked his hands through his hair, the telltale sign he was beside himself. “She’s the reason I became a doctor, the reason why I’m a fucking neurosurgeon, the whole sorry-there’s-nothing-we-can-do prognosis wasn’t good enough. It will never be good enough. Shit. I didn’t even know what a neurosurgeon was until my sister’s fucking brain died. I watched her lifeless body lay in that bed for three years straight.” He reached for me, and unconsciously my body responded. I crawled to the end of the bed and knelt in front of him. “I made a promise to her that I would do everything in my power to never let anyone else suffer like she did.”
Something inside me snapped. He was the one suffering. His sister was at peace. Chase was the one suffering with the agonizing guilt for so many years with no one to turn to. He had never trusted anyone ever, yet in this moment he had picked me. I was overwhelmed with emotion. The pain, the devastation, the turmoil I felt inside was somehow overpowered by an unbelievable sense of relief. He had finally opened up to me, shared his darkest secrets. And I didn’t think it was possible, but I loved him more. My achy heart swelled in my chest. I clutched his wet cheeks. He looked so fragile, so tired of being angry. He finally looked defeated. “Look at yourself, you’re doing just that and so much more. My god, Chase, you’re a brilliant surgeon. People fly in from all over the world, because you give them a chance, a real chance. She would have been so proud of you.” I lightly kissed his lips. “She is so proud of you. She’s your angel. She’s your strength to make all those crazy decisions. She’s the reason you developed that equipment?” The puzzle pieces were falling together.
“Yeah, not that it did her any good. When I was transferring colleges, I already decided on medicine, so I applied to the combined undergrad/med program, and wrote about Kimi’s accident in my essay. How medicine wrote off certain traumatic brain injuries as hopeless, and how there had to be a better way. Luckily the doctor I interviewed was an old school neurologist, and he offered to mentor my research on the spot. So I was able to get started right away. But my parents didn’t want me to waste my trust fund money financing research, so I had to wait until I turned twenty-one to really get it rolling.” He looked down and shook his head. I knew exactly what he was thinking. He couldn’t save the one person that mattered most to him in the world.
“Look at me, Chase.” His eyes were so heavy and sad it crushed me. It was hard to breathe. “You’re doing everything you can, everything but forgiving yourself for something that was never your fault. You think your sister would want you to feel like this, live like this? You can’t heal until you forgive yourself. Let me help you.”
His eyes welled. My damaged, heartbroken man was really finally letting me in. He was trusting me. He pulled me tight to his chest. Our hearts and breathing synced, I waited.
“Will you come somewhere with me? I need to go to Boston. Soon.”
“I have Sierra’s baby shower in Cape Cod this weekend, come with me. Then we can stop in Boston on the way back.” I ran my hands up and down his chiseled arms.
“Baby, you have no idea how much that would mean to me. Thank you.” He kissed me so tenderly I moaned at the loss of his lips. He glanced down at his watch. “Fuck, I have a case in thirty minutes, I need to go.” Both of us still such an emotional mess I didn’t want him to go.
“I know I fucked up, Blue, but I’m gonna try. I’m gonna try not to hurt you again.” I watched his shoulders slightly relax, like part of the heavy weight had been lifted. Something shuddered inside me. I repeated his words, I’m gonna try not to hurt you again. The relief from moments ago was gone. Somehow during my last breath I was more agitated. I stared at him, and like always, his eyes were his story. There was something else. My gut told me there was another part to that weight.
20
Color
“You’re here.” Sierra threw her arms around my neck. “See, baby girl? Aunt Lili wouldn’t miss your party.” Sierra rubbed her belly.
I rolled my eyes. “Like I would ever, drama.”
“Well, I didn’t know if Chase was going to steal you and fly you into the sunset.” She was actually dead serious.
I had not expected her to be over our conversation this morning. At an ungodly hour, I pounded my semi-cold latte for any type of liquid courage. I knew she was going to freaking kill me. I knew she was only protecting me. She had watched me suffer; she saw when I was empty. She was the only reason I kept going. So I knew she wasn’t going to be happy when I didn’t leave with her and Dodd on the Acela train at nine in the morning. The train she insisted on. Sierra, being Sierra, had crazy visions of delivering mid-air and some nonsense about her daughter and statelessness. She was way too nervous to fly. And the rest of the crew was flying to Providence around noon, renting a car and driving the last hour or so to beat the Friday night traffic. I wasn’t going to do either. I couldn’t leave Chase after our emotional morning. I didn’t want to. So he picked me up at one with sushi take-out. Pete whisked us to the airport for our very quiet one hour and eight minute flight into Providence. Both of us too drained for much talking, it gave me a lot of time to think. The lyrics to Daylight flashed back to mind. What if this was my last glance and soon it would all be a memory? I wanted to slow it down. I needed to pause. I needed some time to process my feelings, his feelings and how our screwed up lives could mesh. Once we landed at four I knew the Route 6 Cape Cod traffic was inevitable. Chase continued to insist we would arrive by dinner. Well, after our forty-minute helicopter ride, he was right. His exact words had been: “Baby, I can’t change the traffic pattern, but we can fly over it.” Now, why didn’t I think of that?
“You, stop it.” I pulled her aside. “Are you mad at me? I hope not because I love you and I love him and I really, really want you to love each other. Please give him another chance,” I whispered, wondering to myself if my heart could give him another chance. I hadn’t told her much from the morning, just that Chase was working through something from years ago. Shockingly, she hadn’t pushed me on it and I was appreciative.
“Holy shit! How’d you not tell me you told him you loved him?” she hissed.
“Shhh. I haven’t. I’ve only told myself ... and you. I don’t know if we’re ready for that yet.” I don’t know if I’m ready for that yet.
“Fine. I’ll try.” Moisture glistened behind her lids. Sierra NEVER cried. “You look so beautiful, Lil, I’m so happy for you.” After the day I had, hell, after the week I had, I was exhausted. Beautiful was a definite stretch, but I smiled at her anyway.
“Damn this baby and my damn hormones.” I smirked. How could I not? Sierra was a hormonal hot mess. “Get the fuck away from me, please, before I lose it. Go get you and Dr. Personality some bubbly.” She pushed me toward the bar. “I ordered the yummy one you suggested,” she said blinking away her unshed tears to give me a sly smile.