“You’re bat-shit crazy, you know that, right?” I walked back, kissed her cheek and rubbed my niece. “But I love you.”
“Get your Asspuck ass away from me now.”
I laughed for the first time all day.
Chase stood at the bar alone. The hospital gang was stunned, to say the least, when we walked through the door together. You could have heard a pin drop. After a few awkward hellos and a “hey boss,” Leanne broke the tense silence and suggested a stroll down to the water. Jackson seemed the least fazed by Chase’s surprise arrival and probably would have stayed behind to talk shop and grab a drink, but it was obvious wherever Leanne was going, Jackson was going. They were turning out to be a cute couple. I totally called that one. Kate and the other two nurses Sierra had grown fond of during ladies’ nights at Rosa’s, conveniently decided they wanted a better look at the beach as well. I couldn’t blame them. Not for nothing, they were on a mini-vacation. Who wanted to hang out with the boss? A boss who had a tendency to run hot and cold. And, as of late, all hot. Kate had given me her feeble attempt at eye daggers before walking off, quietly whispering in my ear, “You go, girl!”
Standing there drawing on his beer, he was breathtaking. I wanted him to be all mine, but I was hesitating. He was right. He worked at crumbling my wall, but that protective barrier was back, surrounding me. I leaned against the bar.
“Hi, baby.” He kissed my temple and handed me a glass of champagne “You tired?”
“Mm-hmm,” I moaned. “Think I’m going to finish my champagne and then head up, I’m really tired.” I was circling, spinning, twirling around that empty dark hole I knew so well. My brain and my heart were once again facing off. I wasn’t sure what I felt. But I knew I wanted him to stay and give me something to hold on to. I never wanted to see the bottom of that hole again.
“Okay, baby, whatever you want to do.” He looked down at me with a soft melancholic smile. “Sierra has good taste in champagne.”
I smiled at him. “I’m gonna head over there and say hi to some of the girls, if you want to go to the room now I don’t mind.”
“I’m okay, baby, I’ll wait for you.”
The Wychmere Beach Club was gorgeous. And our suite had a breathtaking view of the Nantucket Sound. The resort was situated just so, allowing the ocean to lap up on two sides. I stopped at the open French doors and stared out into the blackness. The repetitive crash of the gentle waves hitting the shore was the most peaceful sound in the world. It had more soothing power than Xanax and Zoloft combined. I should know. After my miscarriage, when it was clear that staying in Wrangel was not an option and before I had a chance to work out the logistics of moving to Philly, I retreated to this very beach. Sierra’s family owned a house a mile down the road. Their place, and more importantly, this beach was my safe haven. Just like I did now, I would clench my eyes shut and pace my breathing to the beat of the soft whoosh of the waves. I thought of nothing. Felt nothing. I barely recognized that debased heartbroken girl anymore. But what had I replaced her with? An unsettling pit formed in my stomach.
Chase was on the balcony with a bottled beer, waiting for me. He looked relaxed sitting in a wooden Adirondack chair, with his feet crossed against the balcony railing. His white shirt that fit across his muscular chest perfectly was now unbuttoned and hanging wide open, exposing his perfectly sculpted abdomen. He was still wearing his grey slacks that hung low on his hips, but he was barefoot. I’d been in awe of his body since the day he unknowingly ripped his bloody scrub shirt off in front of me. I would have been blind to not be enamored by his physique; it was the perfect blend of a jacked NHL forward and a Calvin Klein underwear model. Staring out at him now, after he bared his soul to me earlier today, I was sad to think of the steep price Chase paid for that chiseled perfection—years of intense physical training, trying to literally fight the demons that haunted him. All of a sudden his need to step into a ring and fight made sense. How else could you exorcise the vision of your defenseless twin sister getting brutally defiled from your memory? It was his escape. Was it all that different from my need to run?
A soft breeze bathed my face, bringing me back to the moment. I knew I should step out onto the balcony … that Chase was waiting. But I had no energy left. I wanted to sit on his lap and let myself mold into his warm embrace. I wanted to let him know how much his being here with me meant. How much his trusting me with his demons meant. How much he meant. But I just ... didn’t. Instead I showered and curled up in the massive king size bed and concentrated on the waves. Chase never came. I wasn’t sure if I was relieved or hurt. Eventually I was lulled to sleep.
“No. No. Fuck, stop!” The shrill shouting in the background of my dream scared the crap out of me. My heart hit my throat. I jumped straight up. I was wide awake. It was Chase; he was thrashing around the bed. Sweat was dripping from his brow. His t-shirt was soaked.
“Chase!” He was still asleep. Dreaming. His lids were closed, but I could see his eyes pinballing back and forth. “Chase!” I shook his shoulder a little harder. He was ice cold and clammy. “You’re dreaming, baby, please wake up, please wake up. Chase, you’re dreaming.” I couldn’t wake him up.
He continued to shout, “No, no … stop.”
I ran to the bathroom and soaked a washcloth with cold water. I wiped his forehead and shook him hard. “Chase, please, you’re scaring me, please wake up.” His eyes flipped open, and I watched his body continue to tremble from head to toe.
“Fuck.” He looked terrified. His eyes were so wide I thought they might pop out. “Blue.”
“I’m right here, Chase,” my voice cracked.
“Fuck, I scared you.”
He had. I was trembling. He reached for me and I instinctively backed away slightly. I needed a minute, or maybe an hour, or a day, or a year, or maybe a lifetime. Confusion pummeled through me like a two-ton truck. Was I the cause of all of his demons resurfacing? We had slept together so many times and never had he had a dream like this. Maybe the combination of everything we both suffered through was not going to work.
“Um ... I’m ... um ... I’m just gonna go for a run,” I stuttered, climbing off the bed. I fumbled in the dim light for my sports bra and shorts, slipped on my sneakers and left.
“Lili, please, baby, come back.” I heard his voice from the other side of the door. It was tense, he was pleading.
I hit the beach and started running. I wasn’t even sure what time it was, but it had to be very early. The sun was just coming up over the horizon. The pink and yellow hues should have been beautiful, but all I saw was grey. Every shade of grey flashed before my eyes. The looming black hole in sight. I couldn’t go back there. I couldn’t go back to a world of no color. Chase gave me color and I wanted to keep it that way. What was I running from?
Sweat beaded at the nape of my neck and dripped down my back. I ran harder and faster. The spray from the crashing ocean waves was not cooling my inferno. My calves were beginning to cramp from gripping the uneven sand, and my lungs were burning. I didn’t care. I pushed through the pain. If pain was what I needed to feel, so be it. I never wanted numb and empty again.
Those weeks after I was raped, hell, the years after I was raped … hell, up until a mere six weeks ago, I felt nothing. And I hated it. And now after finding someone worth loving and knowing what it felt like to be loved, or so I hoped, I was questioning it. I thought back to a book my dad read to me as a kid ... sometimes when you love something so much you have to let it free. Was that what I needed to do? Maybe I couldn’t handle Chase and the nightmare that had him thrashing around in a cold sweat? Or was it that I couldn’t handle that I just might be the reason for his nightmare? I feared our combined heartaches were just too much. I clutched my sides as a sharp stabbing pain shook me. Was love supposed to have this much turmoil?