The resort was a mere speck in the far distance when I finally stopped running and laid my back in the sand. My calf felt like a pit bull had gnawed through my muscle. I attempted to massage the tightening knot, while gasping to expand my burning lungs. What the fuck was I doing? I finally loved someone for the first time in my life and I was running away like I had for the past three years. What was I so afraid of?
A muffled voice came from the distance. I would know that voice anywhere. “Fuck, Blue. Are you training for a marathon?”
He came for me.
How long was I gone? No doubt my body was going to be pissed tomorrow after the damage I just inflicted upon myself. The sun was up now, and at the sound of his voice, the reds and yellows bounced around under my lids. I took a deep soothing breath. He really was my color. How could I not fight for us? Yes, I was scared. But scared was something, a feeling. Scared was better than feeling nothing.
“Baby, you ran for-fucking-ever.” He was getting closer. “You scared the hell out of me, I could barely see you. Those damn rock jettings were in the way.” He collapsed next to me, immediately pulling me against his chest. His heart was pounding as fast as mine. “You’re crying?”
I forgot I was crying. But it was okay, because my mind was a tornado swirling with emotions. Emotions he was responsible for bringing back to me.
His breath was forced and ragged from running. “Fuck. Don’t do this, baby, please. I need you. Don’t shut down, not now. Talk to me. Fuck, Lili, look at me.” His heart slammed against his drenched chest. “Tell me what I need to do.”
I sat up and opened my eyes, squinting against the sun, wishing it were that simple. His disheveled wet hair looked almost black against his perfectly tanned skin. His bare rippled chest reflected the sun, accentuating the dark ink down his taut ribcage. His eyes were wide open. The intense softness behind them told me without a doubt, this man would never intentionally harm me. Guilt rippled through me when I remembered how I withdrew when he asked if he scared me. I wished I could take that back, erase that part of the scene.
Chase ran his warm fingers under my puffy lids, wiping away the last of my tears. His touch calmed me from the inside out. Our eyes locked, and suddenly, the last thing I ever wanted to do again was run. I had been running away for three years. Shit, I’d been sleep running if such a thing existed. After that bastard violated me, I tucked my heart and soul to bed and ran away from any place or anyone that threatened to wake that part of me up. Until this beautiful man panting in front of me charged into my life.
“I don’t want to run anymore, I’m just so tired of sleep running.” It was all I could say. It was true. I was tired of running. Tired. I wanted to stop. I wanted to stay awake. I didn’t want to run away from any more of my life. I just wanted to feel. If that meant not always feeling happy, not always feeling comfortable, if it meant suffering through times of worry, times that made me scared, times of sadness and heartache, then I was in. I wanted all in. If love was my only constant, then nothing else mattered.
“I want you to be my constant. When I open my eyes in the morning I never ever want to wonder where you are, if you ran away from us. The thought that I was the reason for your nightmare this morning scared the shit out of me. You’ve been through so much, and I’m so scared that our combined heartaches are just going to be too much.”
“Baby…”
I hushed him because he needed to hear me out.
“Until I met you, Chase, I was drifting in a sea of nothing. I walked around in a world of grey. I literally built a shield, blocking out every penetrable emotion. I didn’t let anything through. And then you came along and crumbled my wall.”
“Baby, first of all, you did not cause my nightmare. I’ve had them for years, but less frequently lately. They’re the reason I never slept with a woman ... before you.” My eyes widened. Confused. “Not that you want to hear this and not that I’m proud of it, but I’ve never been one to share my bed, uh-um, after ... until I met you. Now I can’t imagine sleeping without you tucked by my side. But maybe you’re right, maybe me telling you about Kimi brought shit back to the surface. I’m so sorry I scared you, but what scared me more was you running out the door. So sitting here listening to you tell me you don’t want to run anymore, you don’t want to sleep run, fuck, Blue, you just made me the happiest man alive.” He tenderly ran his hand down my cheeks and tucked the loose strands that fell from my ponytail behind my ears.
“Just promise me you won’t walk away again. I’m tired of living my life like a bad movie. I don’t want anymore pauses ... no more rewinds. I want our life to play out live. You woke me up, Chase. You brought color back to my life. The only time I ever want to see grey again is when I’m looking in your eyes.”
His tender lips claimed mine as he leaned me back onto the sand. “I’m not going anywhere, baby. I want you awake and I definitely want our life playing out live because I don’t want to miss a fucking second of it.”
The last layer of my barrier evaporated into thin air. I closed my eyes and saw nothing but bright vibrant colors. I gripped him tighter. If I could have climbed inside him I would have. I wanted this, I wanted all in, even the fucked up parts.
I winced when Chase finally let go of me, wanting the moment to never end. “Come on we have a baby shower to get ready for. I don’t think getting you there late will score me any points with your best friend.”
“You’re probably right, but you could score some serious points with me,” I said suggestively.
Chase responded with a smile that reached his eyes. “Mmm. I missed that sassy little mouth.” His lips brushed the tip of my nose. “Hop on, sweetness.” He motioned for me to jump on his back.
“You can’t be serious? You can’t carry me all the way back.”
“First of all, you just sprinted a half marathon. I found you rubbing your calf like a banshee. You’re not walking back. Second. Yes, I can.”
You’d think I would have learned by now.
21
Pure steel
The baby shower was ... a baby shower. No matter how you dressed it up, changed the location or added testosterone to the guest list, showers were showers. But Sierra looked radiantly happy rocking her mini black and pink paisley halter sundress that boasted a neckline that plunged to meet the empire waist, accentuating her girls, as she liked to call them these days. She even insisted on keeping with the theme and highlighted her short pixie haircut with chunky pink streaks. But my personal favorite was her skinny little feet in my four-inch camel colored Louboutins. Probably the first time in our friendship, Sierra asked to borrow something out of my closet. She made eight months of pregnancy look glamorous, and Dodd, her husband of two years couldn’t keep his eyes off her. Adoration consumed his gaze, like she was the most beautiful woman in the world, and he was proud that she was going to be the mother of his children. No one deserved it more.
She opened gift, after gift, after gift—all varying shades of pink everything. I wondered what my life would have been like if I hadn’t miscarried. He or she would have been almost three. The image of a little one tearing the tantalizing Dylan’s candy centerpieces off the tables and trying to bury his or her wet body in the sand clouded my mind. I made a point over the years, to not let those thoughts linger. What-ifs were pointless.