“Fuck, Blue. It kills me to think of what you had to go through.” Chase softly held my cheek. I pressed my face harder against his palm in response.
“Thanks.” Thank you for looking at me like you are, right this second.
“I’ve always known you were strong. You’re pure steel, baby. I’m in awe of you.”
“I think ... I kind of like pure sweet better.” I quietly chuckled. Because this man did that for me.
We stared into each other’s eyes for at least a minute. A minute was amazingly long. Our connection had the fine hair on my arms standing. I knew he would gladly take on the burden of my memories if he could, adding to what he already carried on his broad shoulders. To give me peace. Because that’s what you did when you cared for someone. When you loved someone.
But those were not the words Chase spoke when his lips parted. Instead he said what I never had the courage to admit to anyone. Not even myself. “You loved your baby. Don’t be ashamed to admit it. You put your unborn child’s needs ahead of your own grief. That’s what a real mother does. You’re going to be a wonderful mama, Blue. You ... are amazing. You’re everything I’m-” Chase looked back down at the at the sand. He never finished that sentence, but my gut told me it was more about him than me.
His words repeatedly crashed over me, much like the waves now crashed closer to our bare feet. I’m gonna be a mama one day, I can only hope. The tide began to change.
I lifted Chase’s chin to look at me, like he had done to me a million times before.
“Thank you for saying that. Do you have any idea what your understanding means to me?” I used his words. “But there’s something you’re not telling me.” I paused. “Truth?”
Chase deserved to feel a little lighter. To drop some more of the weight. He’d just allowed me this; I wanted to do the same for him.
“Trust me, Chase. Please ... truth.”
“I don’t deserve your trust, Blue. I don’t deserve you.” His vulnerable words stunned me, but I was not letting him run away again ... not from this conversation ... not from me … not from us.
“Don’t you dare.” I used more of his words. They were my weapon until he saw the man I saw. “Stop putting me on a damn pedestal. I do trust you. I need you. Why can’t you see that?” I kicked the sand. I needed him to realize how much I trusted him. Why couldn’t he see it?
“Because I’m a selfish fuck-face, too.”
What? That was so far from the truth. I didn’t believe it for one second.
I grabbed his shoulder and turned him to face me. “No. You. Are. Not.” There wasn’t a question in my mind. Not possible.
“Stop, baby. Listen to me. No. I’d never rape a woman. Not like that sick fuck, but I’m far from a fucking saint. The night of the accident, when I was too busy getting laid, I was also too goddamn selfish to stop when I didn’t have a condom.” My stomach sank. “I convinced Talia it’d be okay, I’d take care of it, I’d pull out. Because a fucking horny drunk eighteen-year-old, who happened to get lucky a handful of times, had any control over shooting his load. I was such a selfish fuck.” Now he kicked the sand, disgust in his eyes. “Fuck. She was Kimi’s best friend—hell, she was one of my best friends. And you want to know how I took care of it? The man you trust? When she came bawling her eyes out to me a month later, scared shitless because she was pregnant ... how I took care of her? I tossed her a few hundred bucks and told her to get rid of it.”
My eyes widened and the sick feeling in my stomach began to rise. All I pictured was a scared shitless kid who just lost his sister and now had to deal with another sad mistake.
A mistake. Why couldn’t he see that?
“Hell, I even had the balls to be pissed at her. Told her I couldn’t believe she didn’t just handle it herself, that she had the fucking nerve to put this on my plate after everything my family was going through with Kimi. The girl was fucking terrified ... terrified, Blue. Damn, she lost her best friend too, and worse, fuck—she told me she was in love with me. Instead of stepping up and supporting her to make her own decision, I used her feelings for me. Told her if she really loved me, she would get an abortion and never bring it up again. Fuck.” He forcefully raked his hands through his unruly hair. “I didn’t even go with her. I never even saw her again after that conversation.” He pulled his knees up and tucked his head between his legs. I saw the weight on his shoulders. “I took her choice away. That makes me no better than selfish fuck-face.”
His guilt on so many levels all made sense. Even Asher’s response, after I went all filter-less and spewed about my unplanned pregnancy, made sense now. He told you? Our fucked up pasts shared so many commonalities, no wonder Chase feared our relationship. That we were unhealthy. I was the reminder of everyone he felt he failed all those years ago. Hell, he went as far as to parallel himself to a rapist. But he was the furthest thing from a selfish fuck-face. He was just a kid who had to live through some really shitty, sad and unfortunate events. And spent a lifetime beating himself up, literally, trying to make up for what was out of his control.
I straddled over Chase’s legs to face him. My hands rested on the sides of his abdomen. Over the characters that sent a chill down my spine. First do no harm. His reasoning replayed in my head—it’s a reminder.
“You are nothing like that bastard. Do you hear me? You are a lot of things ... generous and sweet, sexy and playful. You are intense and bossy, possessive and jealous, but you are not selfish. And you are not dangerous. You were a kid and really shitty things happened. None of which were your fault. And I’m sure, without a doubt, that Talia eventually realized how much pain you were in when you acted out. You were just as scared and lost as she was. And no matter how bad you feel about your behavior, it was still her choice. You didn’t take that away. You need to forgive yourself. Trust me ... if she loved you like she said she did—she forgave you years ago.” I should know, because I love you.
“It doesn’t matter if I spend the rest of my life making up for all of it, it doesn’t change the fact that I’m the reason my own sister and child are dead. I killed them.”
Chase opened his mouth to keep talking, but I’d heard enough. So I responded the only way I knew Chase would hear me. Even if I jumped up and down screaming it’s not your fault, words were futile. I leaned forward and showed him he was worthy of forgiveness and love. My love. My kiss was tender and long.
When I pulled away breathless, I still saw a hint of doubt behind those grey eyes.
“How can you look at me with those beautiful eyes, Blue, knowing what I’ve done? How can you block all of it and not see him when you look at me?”
“Because, I can.”
Something shifted in his eyes; I got through that tough exterior of muscle. He believed me. He trusted me. Since I had his words to thank for penetrating, I inched forward to seal the deal and kissed the tip of his nose.
I couldn’t deflate my swollen heart if I tried. Everything finally felt right. Felt peaceful. No more secrets, no more doubts. The cold saltwater lapped against our legs. Our bottoms were wet. The tide changed and it was perfect.