My eyes instinctively widened and I pursed my lips tightly together. I didn’t blame him, his parents sucked. Even at her death, it was all about the money. My heart ached for him, what he endured when he was still just a kid, and alone.
“They just wanted the whole damn show. The funeral, the headstone, the grief stricken parents. No fucking chance, there was no way I was going to let Kimi’s death be about them and their drama. She would have hated that shit. I had her cremated, then Ash and I spread her ashes in the ocean ... Cape Cod.”
The significance of that last part of what he said was not lost on me. Not by a long shot. And the look on his face told me it was not lost on him either.
“I had a flower garden with a memorial fountain designed for the park. Two of the three things she loved. Flowers and the water. The other was her guitar. I was close to having music piped through the entire park as well.”
For the first time I pictured Chase and Kim strumming on their guitars, singing their hearts out, without a worry in the world. I couldn’t blame him for shutting music out of his life. It hurt too much.
“You know, if she wasn’t rocking out on her guitar with me, she was in the garden planting or pruning shit on a Saturday morning. If she wasn’t doing either one of those, she was on her way to the beach. And she wasn’t one to sit around sunbathing in her bikini all day. She loved the water. Body surf, paddleboard, water ski—she was a fish, even when we were really little. Just loved to be in the water.”
I leaned over the console and ran my hand along the nape of his neck. I could have bounced a penny off his rigid shoulders. Talking about Kimi was disquieting.
“I love hearing you talk about your sister. She was such an important part of your life. I want to hear these memories, all of them. She played a huge role in forming the man I love. I want to know everything. The good and the bad.” I squeezed his shoulders repeatedly, hoping for some release and steadied my voice. “You need to know I love you for who you are today. She made you this man.” I quickly swatted at a lone tear that snaked across my nose, hopefully hidden under my sunglasses. I needed to stay strong.
He released his hand from the steering wheel and caressed my inner thigh. The intimate gesture was his unspoken words. The emotion he kept pent up for so many years was finally surfacing. I knew he never thought about himself the way that I did. Selfless. Generous. Compassionate. Hell, the list could go on all day.
He spoke not another word while parking the car. He continued to use only his soft touch and gentle lips to speak to me. As much as I feared the retreat into his head, I left him alone to his thoughts. He was not retreating from me. I hoped I was his solace. We passed under an arched wrought iron pergola veiled in variegated ivies, climbing roses and wisteria. The floral combination was breathtaking. This led us to a maze of stone pathways flanked by a sea of perfectly manicured green grass, dark green hedges and pristine flower gardens. Stone park benches were interspersed across the landscape.
“Let’s sit,” I whispered. The natural beauty of the scene and its emotional meaning was completely overwhelming. This park was created in memory of Kimi.
“Not yet,” he mouthed, pulling me close. Chest to chest, I heard the erratic beat of his heart and his labored breath. He struggled for any ounce of control exposing his vulnerability. The heartache in his gaze was desperate; he was crumbling.
“You are strong enough, Chase.” I lifted my sunglasses, exposing my eyes. He needed our connection, our calm. “If I could give you just one thing in this moment it would be to see yourself through my eyes. To see just how strong you are. How special you are. How you’ve taken the most horrendous tragedy and created nothing but pure sweet.” The tears he tried so hard to control spilled over. I gently ran my finger along the edge of his jaw, wiping them away. “Oh Chase, she loves you, she’s not mad at you, she never was. She would have never wanted you to live your life with this bottled-up guilt. Let it go—for her, for you, for us.”
It was as if I told him it was okay. Okay to finally let it out. The tears that streamed from his eyes were not angry or guilty; they were tears of relief and forgiveness.
I enclosed my arms around his waist and hung on as his body trembled. I squeezed tighter. He rested his forehead against the top of my head. I listened to his heart hammer against his chest. His warm tears slid down my cheek, mixing with my own. We stood in silence for a long time, until our breathing regulated and our hearts slowed before he finally released me. He raised my chin so our lips could meet.
He choked on a whisper. “I love you is not enough, Blue. Thank you, baby.”
I ran my hand across his cheeks and he did the same for me. He tucked me into his side, where I fit perfectly. This space was made for me. This was my safe place.
“There’s something else I want you to see,” he uttered against my temple.
We continued down the stony path and the distant sound of running water became closer. The pathway bordered by green hedges opened into a serene sanctuary. I had an instantaneous calm overwhelm my mind. Chase clutched me closer and sucked in a single sharp breath. My eyes welled with tears, understanding how difficult it was for him to seek this closure. I dragged a finger under my wet eyes and absorbed the entire expanse. A tall, modern copper wall was flanked by stacked natural stone shorter walls. A single, smooth curtain waterfall plunged from a horizontal opening at the top of the wall. The waterfall cascaded into a shallow rectangular pool where three simple elevated square copper tiles acted as stepping stones. The water feature was peaceful and perfect.
Chase led me across the water to a single stone bench that was angled to capture the entire oasis. A simple In loving memory inscription was engraved into the stone seat. We stood in silence staring at the bench. Under her name was the proof of how truly short her life was cut. Her birthday was February 7th. And of course that meant Chase’s birthday was February 7th. I realized we had never talked about our birthdays. And the date of her death just in July. July 10th.
The memories of that day in July came flooding back to me. The bloodbath in the operating room, the kiss and the one-sided phone call I listened to. He was talking about his sister that day. The call was from his father. The she was his mother.
Chase released me and walked to the edge of the pool. “I’ve only come here once. I came when they finished construction, because I had to. The designer insisted I was present for the final walk through. I never came back. She would have liked it here. It’s peaceful.” His solemn voice was barely heard over the waterfall. His eyes were fixed on the crashing water. My heart was breaking all over again. Just another reason why he felt guilty. His shoulders slumped forward and he let go of the breath he was holding. He sighed. Was the remaining weight lifted?
“It’s perfect, Chase.” I placed my hand in his. He looked down at our connection and led us back to the bench. We both sat while life paused. Chase closed his eyes. I only imagined what was going on in his mind because he spoke not another word. Maybe he was saying goodbye or I loved having you as my sister or you were my best friend, or thank you for being you. I wished that someday he would share his unspoken words. But for now I took solace in the fact that he brought me to the place he had never been able to come.
I angled my body to face him on the small bench and gripped his hand tighter. “Chase, you never need to be okay with Kimi’s death. Her precious life was cut insanely short and that was not okay. But you need to accept her death without anger and guilt. It was not your fault she died. Ever. Tragedy happens every day and it’s no one’s fault. It’s just life. She would want you to be happy and to love yours. You have an amazing life. You aren’t betraying her. She will always have that place in your heart.” I ran my free hand along his cheek, wiping away several more tears. “I love you so much, Chase, so much.”