I’d given this exact speech to distraught families more times than I cared to remember. At least it wasn’t the speech going on downstairs. Fuck, that could have been Blue. My heart ached; it fucking ached.
“Do what you need to do, Chase, I trust you. Lili trusts you.” His words sucker punched my gut. Lili trusts you. “Just save my babydoll.” Jim pulled his wife tighter to his side as his own tears pooled. Jim Porter just left his daughter’s life completely in my hands. FUCK. That was his blessing. Do what you need to do.
I swiped my ID card and walked into the ICU. A nurse led me to Lili’s glass encased room. She looked so small and peaceful lying there, my girl. Just like she did every sunrise when I left her dreaming. But the scene was all fucking wrong. She wasn’t curled in a naked ball under our soft sheets. She was propped flat on her back in a sterile blue hospital gown. And I didn’t need to tuck her brown curls away to kiss the tip of her nose because the fucking white bandage around her head kept her blood-soaked hair tied back. And her face didn’t look like perfect porcelain, instead her raccoon eyes were ten times darker than when I found her at the bottom of the stairs. And she wasn’t in our warm bed that smelled like sex, she was in a cold intensive care unit that reeked of fucking Lysol. Worst of all, she wasn’t soundly sleeping. She was in a fucking coma.
I scooted a chair against her bed. I wanted to be closer. Hell, I wanted to climb in. I needed a minute alone with her, a minute to explain. She needed to hear this from me. I promised her truth. Always. A promise I broke once and wasn’t going to do again.
I held her small hand against my face, maneuvering her IV tubing out of the way. The rhythm of the monitors filled the silence. I closed my eyes and did something I hadn’t done in eighteen years. Prayed.
The last time I prayed, I was in a sterile room similar to this. But it was my sister lying in the bed. I remember lifting her paralyzed eyelids. She was awake. Pure anguish and nothing but an empty darkness haunted her lifeless eyes. After being abandoned by her family for three long years and trapped in her own fucking mind while schizophrenic maniacs raped her, with no hope of escape … I only had to ask once. She was my twin, my other half, and her tears were answer enough. If hell was my destiny, so be it. My selfishness put her there; I was willing to sacrifice eternity to set her free. It was like closing a curtain over a mirror when I shut her eyes. Her light was gone. There was nothing but darkness. It is time to close your eyes. My world went dark too.
Eyes clenched, head bowed, a serious fucking prayer. Not for Kimi, because she was pure, innocent and heaven called her by her first name. But selfishly, I prayed for myself, for my own salvation. Then I hummed. Our favorite song. A song that Kimi and I played a million times while we sat in the sand with the sun at our backs and the wind in our hair. The crash of the ocean waves created a constant rhythm as we strummed our guitars. Music was our happy place. One last time.
I never expected forgiveness, nor did I deserve it. The harsh truth was I made the decision and deserved to carry the burden of guilt. The harsher truth was I would do it again for my sister in a fucking heartbeat.
So after that day, I made a solemn vow and permanently marked myself as a reminder. First do no harm. That was going to be my truth.
A lifetime later, I was ready to pray again.
“I’m sorry, baby, but this is my truth.” I kissed her open palm. “Now I need a simple promise from you. I need you to wake up. Please, baby, I can’t breathe without you.”
“Ahem, Dr. Colton, I’m Dr. Quinn Finley from OB. I can come back…”
Shit, I thought I asked for no interruptions. I lifted my gaze from Lili’s face to see a slender woman with long blonde hair standing in the doorway, looking entirely too chipper for my liking.
“No, it’s fine, call me Chase.” Enough with fucking formalities.
“Dr. Gupta filled me in, I’d like to do an ultrasound as soon as possible. Is now a good time?”
I nodded.
A few short minutes later the tiny fluid-filled sac appeared on the screen. Our baby. The small white flicker contrasted against the black image. I brought Lili’s hand to my lips and held it there. She would have loved this. This was all fucking wrong. I should have been wiping away those sweet happy tears, not holding her comatose hand.
“By gestational sac and fetal pole, she’s about six weeks. But even this early, I usually like to see a faster heartbeat. It may have just started beating and that’s why it’s a bit slower. We will just have to wait and see.”
Wait and fucking see.
“We will scan her again in a day or so and reevaluate the strength.” She unplugged the portable ultrasound and neatly tucked Blue under the blanket. Her face was somber. “I wish I had more to tell you.”
Me too.
Now I was left with a decision. I walked out toward the ICU nurses’ station and saw my team waiting. They all looked distraught.
“Chase, man, I just heard, what the fuck?” Jack shook his head. “I can’t believe that asshole, fucking strung out on his own anesthesia meds.”
“How is she?” Guy asked.
“Same. She needs the KimCore. Got to get this swelling down if she has a fucking chance of waking up ... intact.” They knew exactly what I meant. Coming out of a coma after a traumatic brain injury was one thing, but waking up without residual damage to deal with for the rest of your life was another fucking matter completely. “Get the sterile tray set up, I’m doing it.” I waited for the whole conflict of interest bullshit to come up, but it didn’t. My team knew better.
“No problem. I’m on it.” Guy rolled in the cart holding the small pump that regulated temperature and the packaged cooling catheter and tubing. The unit I spent eighteen hours a day working on to develop. The unit that might have given my sister a fucking chance if it had existed the night of her accident. Kimi’s unit. I rubbed the burn behind my sternum. I wondered if this was what a heart attack felt like.
“Chase, you okay?”
“No.” I wasn’t. I wouldn’t be until my girl was awake and smiling again.
Her groin was prepped and draped and I placed my fingers over her pulse. Her pulse was my lifeline. It was our connection. We were perfectly synced. There was no way I was going to let this pulse stop beating.
The tiny catheter slid easily into position and the cool liquid infiltrated her system. I hated that only time would tell. I sunk into the chair that became my new home and did the only thing I could. I waited. And I prayed.
Hours turned into days. People came and went, but I never budged. Kate and Leanne, my driver Pete, even her security buddies and her fucking cart guy came to show their support. I wasn’t surprised. Blue was selfless. She accepted everyone, no questions asked. She listened and never judged. These people fucking loved her. She loved them just the same. She was pure sweet in every sense of the word. And she was mine.
I ate, slept and showered, never leaving the tenth floor. Asher showed up a day after the attack and parked his ass by my side. If it weren’t for him, I’d be in the same scrubs, eating fucking saltines. He was my only connection to the outside world.
Forty-eight hours passed in a fucking blur. “Chase, it’s time to pull the catheter. She’s completely rewarmed.” Guy pulled me from my groggy state. I lifted my heavy head from her bed; no more words were spoken.
Guy and Sam rounded to the other side of her bed and hesitated. My residents were waiting for the go-ahead. I nodded and rubbed Lili’s hand. It no longer felt like ice. Guy folded the blanket over, uncovering her bare groin. Fuck, I hated how exposed she was. I closed my eyes. I couldn’t watch.