“Shh-shh.” Her finger covered my lips. “You listen. I know all I need to know. I know you love me. I know you’d do anything for me. I’m ready to spend the rest of my life as yours. Yours. Whatever you have to say, whatever you may have done, isn’t going to change that. Ever. I’m not blind, Chase, I see it. I still see the pain in your eyes. I see the weight you carry on your shoulders. And when you’re ready, you’ll tell me. When you’re ready. Not for me, but for you. You waited for me; I’ll wait for you. We have forever.”
The knock on the door interrupted the sweetest, gentlest kiss of my life.
“Hi Lili. I’m Dr. Finley. It’s awesome to see you awake.” She was still too fucking chipper, given the fact that forty-eight hours ago she was concerned about the viability of our baby. Fuck. The baby Lili had no clue about yet.
I sighed, slid off her bed and kissed the tip of her nose. Now or never. I would have done anything to shield her from more pain, but she needed to hear this from me. This was too fucking cruel. “Baby, there’s more, but I need you to be strong. Dr. Finley is an OBGYN, she’s here to check you out.”
Her smile fucking vanished..
“OB?” she whispered. “I’m pregnant? Or are you telling me I was pregnant?” Her voice was so small and broken. I fucking hated myself. I wished I had more time to explain. It didn’t help that Chipper was in the room ready to chime in.
“Lili, you’re very early on, about six weeks. The baby has been through a lot, so we need to do an ultrasound to see where things stand.”
Lili eyes welled. This sucked.
Salty tears spilled down her cheeks and wet my lips, as she mumbled, “I’m sorry, so sorry.”
I sat back to look her in the eyes. “Sorry? Why are you sorry? Baby, there is absolutely nothing for you to be sorry about. Nothing. Do you hear me? We made this baby together. I love you, more than anything.”
She thought I regretted that she was pregnant. Fuck no. She needed to know I was never upset about the baby. I wasn’t that same selfish scared kid. She wasn’t going to suffer this loss alone.
I leaned in close and whispered back, “Truth, baby. I want this as much as you. I’m the one who’s sorry.” I made the call that cost us our baby. I couldn’t speak past the burn in my throat, so I nodded in Quinn’s direction. Prolonging the inevitable was not going to help.
Quinn positioned the ultrasound probe low on her abdomen. I zeroed in to the same dark sac that was there two days ago, and waited ... and there it was ... the tiny white flicker. A heartbeat.
“Lili, there’s your baby,” Quinn said in the best chipper voice and pointed to the screen.
My Blue gasped before breaking out into a smile that passed her beautiful blue eyes and pierced my fucking heart. Then there they were, just like they were supposed to be—her tears of joy streamed down her face.
“The heartbeat looks much stronger today, I’m pleased. But as I explained to Chase the other day, it really is too soon to tell. First trimester exposures to any extremes, whether it be drugs, radiation or even temperature, they usually have an all or nothing effect. You and your body have been through a lot, Lili. We will just have to wait and see.”
Blue looked at me. She said it herself; she was so not blind. She got it. “Temperature? You used the KimCore on me, didn’t you?”
“I had to, baby. I couldn’t lose you. I couldn’t just sit around waiting and seeing.” Please understand. Please forgive me.
“You saved me, Chase. You’re the reason I woke up. Don’t you dare second-guess yourself. You made the right choice. You always do, you always have.” Her eyes locked on mine with an intensity I’d never seen before, like somehow she knew what I needed to hear, like somehow she knew what I’d done. Her eyes told me she knew. I didn’t know how or to what extent. But she knew. I wished she would repeat those words one day when I was brave enough to say it out loud. When I was ready to forgive myself for the only choice I had.
Fuck waiting and seeing.
We were getting married. We were having a baby. We were a family.
In the words I learned from my beautiful selfless girl—fuck guilt, fuck sleep-running. No more pauses, no more rewinds. This was playing out live. Forever started now. I tucked her into my side and kissed her sweet nose.
“My girl’s gonna be a mama. I love you, Blue.”
Acknowledgments
We fell in love with Chase and Lili over a two-week beach vacation and way more than two bottles of wine. But bringing their story to life took us a year, a seriously long year, of late night writing, editing, laughing, rewriting, and A LOT more editing to get it done. But we did it, we finally finished our first book! We would have never been able to do it without each other, nor would we have wanted to. When anyone asks who wrote “those” scenes, we have the perfect answer: “She did.” By the end, we were literally typing together—thanks to a shared Google document—and finishing each other sentences! Every minute was a blast (ok, not every minute, but most) and through it all we aren’t sick of each other yet. Our friendship has grown to unattainable heights! Love you, Asspuck. Right back at ya! Ready for round two?
But it was the unbelievable support of some amazing people along our way that made it possible to push the publish button … eek!
To our smokin’ hot, sexy, heart-stopping husbands and five perfect children who kept our secret, encouraged us to write outside the box and indulged us when we completely tuned out and grunted answers because we were half listening and half writing. Your two cents is most important and always will be. We love you ... you are our HEAs. That’s truth!
Lori Sabin, our talented editor: You took us on a whim, you endured our iPhone edits, and you undoubtedly, hands down, have the politest way of saying rewrite it again, still too long. You made us more concise, you made our surgeon a little more sanitary, you made our straight quotes (the ones that ruined your vacation) curly, and most importantly, you made us work insanely hard to see you write “love”... you don’t throw the L word around lightly. And when we were toning down you gave us the courage to bring back the “steam.” You are truly inspiring and unbelievably patient. Thank you just does not suffice … and to think all we had to offer you was CRUMBS.
All of our girls … you know who you are ... please don’t be mad. No more secrets, we promise! Hopefully you will recognize a taste of each of you and your humor. You were with us every step of the way, even if you didn’t know it. You gave us examples of true friendship to write about and endless supplies of laughs! You are all our Sierra. Thanks for making each day a little lighter, a little funnier and making us realize everyone is a teensy bit bat-shit crazy. Just sayin’!
To our parents: Surprise! We wrote a book—cue, mumble under breath—a contemporary romance with some, um … racy scenes. In true amazing parent fashion, as always, your pride and support outshined your shock. Sorry we disappeared for a year! But you taught us to finish what you start and never give up …Yes, I can. Thank you for that.
To our siblings: Thanks for NOT telling Mom and Dad right away and being sketchy beta readers for us … LOL!
To Jill & company: Even though you failed at beta reading, sista, you came through big time with our amazingly sleek and modern website … not to mention the tats (wink ;)). And who would answer all of our endless social media questions at any hour, day or night? You’re the best.