They did not thrust to match my rhythm.
They were silent.
“Ash …” This time it wasn’t a moan. Instead it was a shaky almost melancholic tone. I hated it.
“Relax, let me take care of you.” I lifted my eyes to meet hers, letting her know I was not giving up. I would spend all night—or eternity—between her legs discovering exactly what she needed now. I feverishly alternated my penetrating rhythm from gentle to punishing by adding another finger while my mouth teased her delicious bundle of nerves. My cock throbbed and my spine tingled, but my desire to give this to her overshadowed my own need. It was all consuming. Despite my constant lubrication, the friction was increasing with each pass. Hoping I still possessed the key to her detonation and knowing how she had grown to love it, I pressed my thumb against her tight ring, seeking entrance. I strained to listen for spikes in her breathing and changes to her melodic tempo. And I waited for her moans to crescendo.
But I heard nothing. Her song was over.
She was silent.
She cupped my chin and coaxed me to eye level. “I love you. So much. You know that will never change. And thank you so much for trying.”
Wait. She was giving up. No.
“It’s our first try, Teeps. Doesn’t mean anything. We have forever to try again.”
Even though she soothingly held my face between her palms I saw nothing but pure devastation cracking her brave facade. “I’m fine. Really.” There was nothing fine about the look on her face. She must have seen an equal amount of devastation on mine. I felt like I failed her. “You need to know that I love being this close to you again, that’s enough for me … but it isn’t enough for you.”
“Tal-” She pressed a finger over my lips, sealing them. I did not like where this was going.
“No, listen to me. I know you love me, I know you will take me however you can get me, but I also know you’re a man. So please, I don’t want to stop yet. I need this. I need to know that I can do this for you. Let me taste you.” She reached for my cock and bit her lip.
“What. No.” I clipped way harsher than I meant. But if she thought she was going to suck me off while she lay there, she had another thing coming. She flinched and a wave of anguish and disappointment flooded her beautiful face. “Shit, Teeps, that didn’t come out right. Of course I would want you to … just not like… I mean … I wanted you to … I don’t know.” I clenched my lids and raked my hair so hard, a bald spot wouldn’t have been surprising.
This was a complete clusterfuck. No, I was the complete fuck up.
“I am so sorry.” Her voice cracked. “I know … I know this is hard.”
Hell no.
She was crying.
I braced my weight on my forearms and leaned so we were chest to chest. Heart to heart. Lips to lips. Breath to breath. And said the only thing that mattered. “Let me make love to you.”
“But-”
“No buts, Teeps. I am going to make love to you.” I moved my lips from her mouth to her cheeks and began to kiss away every tear that continued to flow. I couldn’t explain with words how this was good enough, how she was all I’d ever need. So I showed her.
Careful to not hurt her, I widened her legs some more and reached for some lube. Then I closed the distance between us, shut out our fears and made us one. I made love to her mouth at the same pace as to her body, slow and rhythmic with no end point in sight.
I was wrong, it wasn’t good enough.
It was everything.
We never made it to that little cafe.
Chapter 25 Rounds
Something changed between us that day, and not for the better. We didn’t discuss it and we certainly didn’t try again. It was one of the giant elephants we pretended wasn’t there. I figured Tal would let me know when she was ready. Though I hated to admit, I felt like it might be never. We fell back into our normal routine, but there was nothing normal about it. And even though Tal was the exception, I was realizing she wanted nothing more than to be the norm. And I wanted to give her that.
I brought up wedding planning a couple of times since we left the hospital, thinking this would pull her from her funk, get her excited, but she skirted that topic as well. As far as I was concerned, it was a done deal. She was already my wife, my forever. Granted, it was far from a traditional proposal and if she wanted to be Kurt and Goldie, fine by me. But after everything and knowing what I knew, we needed that piece of paper. I’d prefer the marriage certificate emblazoned with the name Talia Craig, but I’d settle for a health care proxy. Definitely not as romantic, but got the job done. I’m yours, you’re mine, as long as we both shall live—or more likely in my case, remember. Because one day we might not have Chase, Tal might not be on staff, and I might not sit on the board of trustees. And no one was going to question my place at my woman’s side or vice versa.
What sucked more was I tried to make plans for her birthday late next month, knowing a surprise wouldn’t go over well, and she kept telling me to wait, ‘hold off for now, let’s see how I’m feeling.’ After the sick mountain bike trip she surprised me with back in June, I owed her big time. Whatever, I wasn’t taking no for an answer, she still had plenty of time to change her mind.
But what topped the list of suck was she wasn’t even feeling a trip to Harry Winston’s. What woman didn’t want to shop for bling? I got that I’d probably never snag a lead in any romance novel, but we weren’t twenty-two. Tal was a sophisticated woman with an opinion. And watching her eyes sparkle picking out the ring of her dreams was a fantasy I could only wish would come true.
Despite my best efforts, Tal was pulling a little further away with each passing summer day. She stopped asking me for help with daily tasks. She showered by herself, dressed herself, and transferred to and from her chair without assistance, even when I was always right there happily willing to lift her. Truth be told, I would have carried her anywhere. I wanted to carry every ounce of that bullet’s burden. But life didn’t ask me what I wanted.
Last week she made arrangements with Julius to continue her therapy at the hospital facility instead of at home. When I questioned why she would add an unnecessary inconvenience to her life she said, “Because it’s what people do. You wake up, you go to work, you go somewhere … you live. Otherwise you’re just wasting precious time. We only get one shot at this.”
I hated how much pressure she was putting on herself, physically and emotionally. I also hated that since she ‘was already there’ she felt obligated to help out her interim replacement by preparing the residents’ afternoon lecture. She had officially taken a leave of absence for the academic year. If the new guy couldn’t hack it, it was the department’s problem, not hers. I made sure the board knew it.
And I really hated that she insisted on traveling back and forth alone. Or more accurately, without me. When I gently pointed out that Bostonians drove like maniacs and anything could happen in the quarter mile, Tal said, “This chair already owns some of my independence, I’m not letting fear have the rest.” I respected her idealism, I did. But I didn’t agree. And I may have not-so-gently put my foot down and possibly said (in a slightly louder tone than an inside voice) something along the lines of, “over my dementia ridden dead body will I let something ever happen to you again.” Needless to say, that didn’t go over so well.
After an hour-long shower, which I assumed she set on cold, Tal ended the silent treatment and calmly laid it out for me. “Sierra’s new place is around the corner from the hospital, and since she convinced herself Zumba might harm the babies, she’s now some crazy speed walker. Anyway, when she passes here, I’ll go with her. Besides, I’m worried about her. She’s struggling with everything that happened. I’m hoping spending some time together will help. As far as the afternoon, Tack has a few early days this semester, he won’t mind, or if you happen to have hospital business, then great. Otherwise, I’ll figure it out. This will give you a chance for you. Okay?”