“What!” I roar.
“Let me finish,” Connor says, not caring in the slightest that my world is falling apart again.
As much as I remind myself it doesn’t matter what that liar does, I can’t help the sickening sensation that overwhelms me and it has nothing to do with the taste of vodka in my mouth.
“He’s seeing Olivia. For about a month now.”
I think I might pass out. What happened to the troll? Jax is dating my therapist. I think that’s illegal. Patient confidentiality and all that. Where does he get off? Where does Liv get off? She’s married and twice his age. I’ve told her things about us that nobody knows. Oh God.
“As a patient . . .” Connor says, breaking through my horrid thoughts.
Spitting out my beer, I choke out. “What?”
Connor squeezes my hand. “He’s been getting help.”
My mind spins and it has nothing to do with the small amount of alcohol that I’ve consumed. Jax is seeing my therapist. He’s getting help.
“Why her?”
Surely there has to be a million therapists in New York. Okay maybe not a million, but pretty freaking close. Why her? I can’t believe she didn’t tell me. Then again she can’t. Connor studies his beer bottle. Suddenly his label fascinates him. I know whatever he’s going to say, I’m not going to like it.
Still examining his bottle he says so quietly I have to strain to hear, “Don’t kill the messenger, but it’s because of you.”
“Me?” I’m this close to banging his head against the wall to get answers.
The words tumble out of Connor’s mouth as if he can’t hold it in anymore. “She’s helped you. We’ve all seen it, Addie. You weren’t here. Then you started working with Olivia and all of a sudden, you started coming back. We all thought we’d lost you.”
Connor looks up at me, expecting me to disagree or jump down his throat, I’m assuming. I give him a weak smile, which encourages him to continue.
“I think on some level Jax needed to see her. I don’t think he would have been able to get help from anyone else. He saw the change in you. He kept telling Logan and me that you were going to be okay. He believed that you were coming back to us before Logan or I saw it. If he’s going to get help, it has to be from Olivia.”
“Why didn’t he tell me?”
Connor just raises an eyebrow. “Is that your question?”
I shake my head and force away all thoughts of Jax. I don’t care if he’s seeing Liv. I can’t care, not anymore. Not after him refusing to reveal my own memories to me. Connor point to the only remaining shot glass on the table. Hastily, I bring it to my lips. It doesn’t taste any better going down a second time.
“What really happened six years ago between Jax and me?” I ask before I set the glass down.
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“Cut the crap. You said a shot for a question. I took the shot, now answer me! I deserve to know what happened, what I can’t remember!” My voices raises, my earlier frustration gushing back with a vengeance.
When he meets my eyes, regret fills his brown ones. “I’m sorry, but I can’t.”
I slam down my hands. “Why?”
“Ask me anything else and I’ll tell you.”
Everyone in my life is lying to me. I thought I could always count on my guys, but I was wrong. Without a word, I get up.
“Addie, wait,” Connor says as he reaches for me.
I step to the side so he doesn’t touch me. “Jax refuses to tell me what happened. Now you, too. What is so bad that I don’t deserve to know?”
He runs a shaky hand through his long blonde hair. “It isn’t my secret to share.”
“Whose is it?”
“Yours and Jax’s.”
I need to hit something. “I don’t remember and Jax isn’t telling me anything! If it’s my secret then tell me, I want to know!”
He sighs. “I can’t, I’m sorry.”
“Why?”
“Because we were told that we needed to wait until you remembered to talk about it. If we brought it up before you were ready, you would . . .” His voice trails off.
“I would what, Connor?”
He gulps loudly. “You might attempt suicide again if you found out before you’re truly ready to remember.”
He makes no sense. “What are you talking about?”
“Why did you try to kill yourself five years ago, Addie?”
I hate that I have to answer him. “Because I felt guilty about the car accident and them dying.”
“Who?”
Is he stupid? Does he really need me to spell it out for him? He raises his eyebrow. Apparently so.
“My parents and Hadley. I felt guilty that I survived. I didn’t think I could live without them, so five years ago I swallowed enough pills to kill me. If it wasn’t for Jax finding me, I would have succeeded.”
“No.”
“What do you mean, no? That’s why I tried to kill myself.”
“That wasn’t the only reason.”
I will seriously hurt him if he doesn’t stop speaking in riddles. “Then what was?”
He stays silent. I want to bang my head against the table. I’m no closer to assembling the pieces then I was this morning.
“You’re not going to tell me?”
“I’m sorry, but I can’t. You need to be the one to remember.”
I glare at him, hating that another person I thought I could trust is keeping something from me. “Have a safe flight.”
He reaches for me but I yank my arm away.
“No, Connor! If you’re not going to tell me, fine. I’ll find out eventually. From this point forward, we’re no longer friends. Friends don’t keep things from each other.”
“Adalynn!” he shouts as I flee.
I rush back to my apartment building, to the only man in my life that isn’t lying to me. When the elevator doors close, I press Kohen’s floor instead of mine, figuring I should just get this over with before I lose my nerve. I need to talk to him and tell him things need to change if he wants to be in my life.
I lift my hand twice to knock, but each time I pull away at the last second. I don’t know why I’m so nervous. I have nothing to fear from him. On my fourth try, I’m finally able to knock.
Chapter Thirty-One
Hesitantly, I knock again. The first time could barely be considered a knock since you couldn’t hear it. I should just call him. I grab my phone to do just that, but when I hit the home button, nothing happens. I forgot to charge it . . . again. I really need to start remembering to charge this sucker. Sighing, I rest my forehead on his door, I wanted to talk to him tonight before I chicken out. Suddenly the door gives away and I’m falling.
“Ouch,” I say when I face-plant into Kohen’s hard chest.
Once I’m able to recover and stand on my own, Kohen asks, “Are you okay? Did something happen?”
I bite my lip, my nervousness flooding back again. I have no idea what I want to tell him now that I’m in front of him. Okay, that’s a lie, I know what I want to say, I just don’t know where to start.
Nodding, I give him a weak smile that doesn’t reach my eyes. This may be it for us. He might leave me, too. Panic comes so quickly that my step falters. I’m going to be alone. Kohen mistakes my panic for something else. He takes several steps back with his hands in the air. Surrendering.
“I won’t hurt you. God, Adalynn, I could never hurt you. You mean too much to me. Please don’t be scared of me . . . don’t leave me.” His voice cracks and his eyes glisten with unshed tears. He thinks I’m leaving him and it terrifies him.
“I’m not . . . I’m not leaving.” He still doesn’t put his hands down or make a move to come closer. “I’m not afraid of you . . . I’m here to talk.” Deciding that I’ll have to be the one to make all the moves tonight, I slowly approach him. “Let’s go sit down so we can talk.”