I glare at my “supposed” friend. “Jax isn’t my lover!”
She gives me a look that is only best described as I’m-so-not-buying-what-you’re-selling. “Yes, and I don’t have red hair or fantastic tits!” she says at the same time our food arrives.
The poor guy. His face reddens. I focus on the plate he sets in front of me. I bite into the sandwich and moan. The thing melts in my mouth. Yum! I take another bite before I even finish my first one. Classy, I know. I could lick my plate, it’s that good.
“So you’ve been seeing the doctor for a few months now. How’s the sex? Obviously decent if you’re keeping him around . . . Wait! Who’s better, him or the lover?”
I choke on my sandwich. I have no idea how to respond. I scan the room in hopes that I will somehow find the answer. Before I can say anything though, she beats me to it.
“Wait, you two haven’t had sex yet?”
“No,” I say hoping she drops it. She doesn’t.
“No? Why not? It’s not like you’re a virgin.”
I blush. I may not be a virgin, but I don’t have much experience since I’ve only slept with one person.
Her mouth falls open. “You’re a virgin!” she says too loudly, right when the band decides to end the song. Making everyone in close proximity able to hear her. Fantastic! Kill me now, please.
I cover my face in my hands and shake my head. “No, I’m not a virgin.” I drop my hands and stare past her while I admit for the first time to anyone besides Liv, “Jax and I used to sleep together.”
“Wait, you’ve only fucked Jax?”
God, she’s crude. I nod while I chew on my lower lip.
She wiggles her eyebrows. “Recently?”
I shrug. “A few months ago.”
“Wow.”
I nod. “Yeah.”
I resume eating while Harper thinks about my sex life, no doubt. Hopefully she drops it, but I doubt I’ll be able to escape without telling her more. Her smile confirms my suspicions. I sigh as I wipe my mouth on a napkin.
“When did you two start dating?”
So we’re still on the Jax thing. I can’t blame her, if I was in her shoes I would be wondering the same thing. I bring the Heineken to my dry lips. I swallow a long pull of beer to help with the sudden desert forming in my throat.
“We’ve never dated. It wasn’t like that for us. And no, before you ask, Logan doesn’t know anything about it.”
“Okay, A, for effort. Really good try on not telling me the complete truth.” She claps her hands. “Bravo, it really was a nice try.” She applauds me again.
Why am I friends with this chick again?
“Seriously, though, what’s the real story?”
I know that I have to tell her. She won’t let it go. Plus it might feel good getting this secret off my chest. I play with my napkin. I need to be doing something while we have this conversation. Things are about to get heavy. Heavier than she’s expecting. I decide to just lay it all on the table, no pretense.
“Jax had a terrible childhood. Since I was nine, I would sneak him into my room at night. Over the years, our friendship turned into something more. He was my first kiss, my first love. The night before my sixteenth birthday, he flew back to California from NYU and surprised me. I lost my virginity under the stars to the man I loved that night.”
I shiver as I remember him showering me with kisses to wake me up at midnight. It was the best gift he ever gave me.
“Our entire relationship was a secret. I couldn’t tell anyone that I’d spent almost every night with Jax since we were children. He wouldn’t let me share his secret. We hid everything from my family. During the day he was just my best friend, but at night, in my room we were always more.”
I grip my stomach as a painful memory ripples through me. I can’t grasp it, I don’t want to. Something in the back of mind warns me I’m not ready to remember, not yet. I shake the memories away and share the rest of our story to Harper.
“Something happened to me six years ago, and no, I don’t want to talk about it. I lost myself and Jax along the way. For the last six years, I’ve shut down on everyone and everything.”
Wow, not dark at all. It’s the truth, though, and I’m tired of hiding. It’s exhausting pretending to be somebody you’re not, always painting a smile on my face when all I want to do is scream.
“I did the basics. Enough to get me through the day. I lived day-by-day. If you can count what I’ve been doing living. I shut myself out from the world and Jax for too long. I’ve always thought that I would end up with him, but he doesn’t want to be in the picture. Now I’m trying to find the person I used to be.” I shrug. “That’s my story.”
“That’s just a chapter in your story, Addie. Your story isn’t finished yet.”
We clink glasses in a toast. “To writing our stories.”
Harper links her arm through mine as we leave the restaurant. I’m assaulted by the night chill as soon as she pushes through the door. Luckily Harper was smart enough to bring a jacket, me, not so much. I rub my hands up and down my arms for warmth and watch as she summons a cab. As I step closer to her for body warmth, I step in gum. Yuck. There’s a trashcan not two feet away. She supports my arm as I attempt to wipe the gum onto the grass.
“I can’t stop thinking about what you said earlier,” she says while holding the cab door open.
Please don’t ask. Please don’t ask. I’m not ready. Soon . . . Just not yet.
“I understand feeling trapped, for wanting to find yourself. More than you know. I want you to understand that whatever happened to you six years ago changed you. You will never be the same person you once were. Remember that while you find yourself, Addie. Don’t focus on trying to be the girl you were, but be the woman you are now.”
She wraps me into a tight hug. “I think that the woman you are now is inspiring. I think you’ve already found yourself. You just need to see what everyone else does.”
My throat tightens from the sincerity of her words. All I can do is watch as she climbs into the cab in front of mine. The entire trip back to my apartment, I think about what she said to me.
At the end of the week I meet Kohen for a movie night. We settle in our seats and he offers me his bag of popcorn. My disgusted face must be answer enough because he sets it in his lap again.
“I’m a kettle corn person through and through,” I whisper, earning a chuckle from him.
I feel my phone vibrate in my pocket, but I choose to ignore it. I’ve come to realize that Kohen hates when I answer my phone on dates. I should have turned it off like I usually do, but I forgot. My mind is still elsewhere.
I snatch my phone from my pocket to do just that. The opening credits are rolling in, and I don’t want to be the girl whose phone goes off during the movie. That girl sucks. I have every intention of turning it off without looking at my missed text but my thumb has other plans. Before I realize what I’m doing, I’m staring at the unanswered text from Jax. I gulp down my Pepsi as I read it.
Jax: I miss you. Let me fix us, Ads. Come over.
My heart stops working as I re-read the text. I’m so entrapped in it that I don’t even feel Kohen’s breath on my neck as he reads over my shoulder. Before what’s happening clicks into place, he rips my phone from my hands. All I can do is gape wide-eyed at Kohen as he slides my phone into his pocket. My mouth moves but no words emerge.
He stands and holds his hand out for me.
“What about the movie?” I ask stupidly.
After a quick scan of the theater, he forcibly yanks me up by my hand. I glare at him as I sit back down. I make a point to appear comfortable even though my body hums in anger. How embarrassing! I can’t believe he’s acting like this over a text. Granted the text wasn’t the best, but it’s not like Jax confessed his undying love.
“Get up, Adalynn.” Kohen commands quietly, but I don’t miss the threat in his tone.
I raise an eyebrow. “You took me to the movies, so you can either sit down and enjoy it with me, or you can leave without me.” I shrug. “Your choice.”
“Adalynn don—”
“Kohen it’s simple, sit down and let’s enjoy the rest of our night. You’re making a bigger deal out of this than there needs to be.” I tug on his jeans. “Please don’t ruin our night because my friend, who I haven’t seen in a few months, said he misses me. It’s not what you think.”
I’m surprised nobody has yelled at him for blocking the screen. As if reading my mind, Kohen glances around the darken theater again. He huffs loudly and settles in a chair two seats away from me. Mature.
The movie starts before I can demand my phone back. Wanting to change the night around, I lean over to caress his hand with the tips of my fingers. He turns his head to me and shoots me a glare before facing the screen. I roll my eyes as I adjust myself in the chair.
If someone were to ask me what the movie was about, I couldn’t tell them a single thing. It could have been in a foreign language and I wouldn’t have known any better. Because instead of enjoying the new comedy, I focused on the fact that Kohen made no move to sit next to me. He acted as if I wasn’t even there. He’s punishing me for something I have no control over. It’s not like I can tell Jax, someone who’s been in my life for sixteen years, that he can’t text me.
Silence fills the ride home. He keeps me tucked under his arm in the backseat. Every time I ask if wants to talk about it, he ignores me. When the cab pulls up to our apartment building Kohen tosses cash onto the seat and jerks me out of the taxi. Actually fucking tugs me out of it. This has to be about more than Jax just texting me. Looks like I won’t have to wait too long to get to the bottom of it. After dragging me through the lobby and into the elevator, Kohen pushes me against the nearest wall.
“Are you going to tell me why you lied to me?”
“I didn’t . . .” I trail off at the pressure of his fingers digging into my skin.
“DO. NOT. LIE. TO. ME.”
With each word, he squeezes me harder. I nod but don’t say anything. I don’t know what to say.
“What’s really going on with you and Jax?”
“Nothing!” I say, glad that I can tell the truth.
He squeezes me tighter. I force myself not to react. I’m used to pain. I’ve inflicted pain on myself. This is nothing. I can handle this. I can handle Kohen when he’s irrationally upset over nothing. Well, not nothing since I’m the reason why he’s jealous in the first place.
“I’ve been hanging out with you more and Jax has been busy with work. We keep missing each other when I go to dinner with Logan and Connor. We’ve been friends for sixteen years, he’s my brother’s best friend. He’s always going to be in my life. The sooner you realize this, the better for us. I will not put up with you acting like this.”
His dark blue stormy eyes soften and I know he believes my lies. He blinks as if finally realizing he has me pinned against the wall of the elevator. He releases me and steps back.
“Adalynn, I’m so sorry, baby. I . . . I didn’t mean to hurt you. Please believe me.”
He lightly runs his fingers over my fresh bruises, then covers my cheeks with his hands. “I could never hurt you, Adalynn. I love you.” He trails kisses down my nose to my lips. “I love you so much, Adalynn. I’m so so sorry, baby.”
The pain in his voice hurts me more than the bruises. I know all about doing something you wish you could take back, but you can’t. I know all about hurting the people you love the most. I know all about wanting to change the impossible. I feel his pain as if it’s my own.
I stroke my hands up and down his strong chest. His muscles tense underneath my hands. I stare up at his handsome face so he believes what I have to say.
“I know, I know you didn’t mean it. You didn’t hurt me. You could never really hurt me Kohen.”
I lean up on my tiptoes, pull his head down with my hands and bring his lips to mine. In this one kiss I convey that we are all right, that I don’t blame him, and I’m not mad at him. We separate from each other when the elevator opens on my floor.
“You have nothing to be sorry for.”
He attention fixes on my bruises. I need to make him feel better. If he leaves like this he will only focus on the bruises, on hurting me. I don’t want that. I want to invite him in, to stay the night, but I think it would be best if we slept at our own places tonight. Not because I think I’m afraid of him, but because I think he needs time to himself. Another reason I don’t invite him in is because as much as I try to hide it, whenever he’s in my apartment I feel like I’m betraying Jax.
I’m ridiculous, I know.
I give him a long hug. I know he needs this reassurance before he goes back to his place. I force myself to relax into his embrace, something that’s harder to do than normal.
He kisses the top of my head. “I better go.”
I nod against his chest. After another minute of being in each other’s arms, he gently scoots away. Instead of kissing me in a way that will make my toes curl, he barely brushes his lips against mine.
“I love you, Adalynn. Never forget that.”
I remain silent. I don’t feel the same. He retreats into the elevator without another word.
A few minutes later, I do my nightly routine. I avoid the mirror. I do not want to see the bruises taking residence on my forearms. I can feel them. I don’t want to make a big deal out of nothing. Before I crawl into bed, I delete Jax’s text thread. I’m moving on with Kohen, I don’t need my past with Jax interfering with my present. Suddenly feeling as if all my energy has been stolen away, I’m pulled into a dreamless sleep.