Logan crouches next to me. He doesn’t say anything, as he rubs my arm in a soothing manner while I let it all out. I scream for everything I lost, for my family, and for me. It’s then that I realize that I’m not only mad at Jax. I’m mad at them, too. I’m mad at them for leaving me.
I’m mad at my parents and my sister. I’m mad that they’re not here and I am. I’m pissed that I survived. I’m mad that I had to listen to them suffer for hours while I sat there helplessly, unable to do anything but listen to them die. I’m mad at the world for going on and not realizing they were suffering, that my family was dying.
My body trembles in silent sobs. No tears come out. I won’t let them. Logan holds me tighter. Never saying anything, but saying everything in his embrace. I get myself under control after a while.
“Thanks.”
“It’s what I’m here for.” He kisses the top of my head. “Ready to talk about it, sis?”
I used to be able to tell him everything, but I can’t now. I want to, I really do, I just can’t, not about this. I give him a small smile that doesn’t feel right and shake my head.
“Okay then. Want me to guess?”
I narrow my eyes at him and get up. “I think our workout is done.”
“Good idea.” He hands me my water. “Now why don’t you go work things out with Jax.”
I spit water all over my brother while managing to choke at the same time. I was not expecting that. Logan smacks my back. I keep my back to him so he can’t see my shocked face.
“Wh-what?” I squeak out when I can breathe again.
Logan doesn’t answer me at first. I cross my hands over my chest and glare at my brother. I know what he’s doing. He’s stalling to lure a reaction out of me. I won’t fall for it. That’s what I tell myself, anyways.
“Well? Don’t shut up now. I know you are dying to tell me whatever is on your mind!”
“Huh?” he asks, playing dumb.
I’m not falling for it. Not this time. If he wants to say something, he will. I dry the sweat off with a towel then fling it at his head. He ducks, used to my tantrums.
“Okay, well, I’m out of here.”
“Bye.”
I stop and turn to him. Mouth dropped to the floor. I was not expecting that. I know I should leave. I don’t want to know what he has to say about Jax. I don’t want to fall for his stupid trap. I do anyways.
“Spit it out already, Logan.”
“Spit what out?”
“Don’t be a child. If you have something to say, say it.”
“Are you ready to talk yet?” he asks.
“Are you?” I challenge.
Together we sit on the floor against his panoramic window, with the view of the city behind us. I rest my head on his arm again and watch how the sun rays reflect off the punching bag’s metal chain.
“Something happened between you and Jax, didn’t it?” he asks.
I hold my breath. I don’t want to lie to my brother, but I can’t find the words to tell the truth. Saying yes would be so easy if things were different between Jax and I, but sadly things aren’t. My brother takes my silence as an answer.
“You want to talk about it?”
I sigh heavily. “There’s nothing to talk about because nothing happened.”
I’m not sure what my brother knows, but I do know that I won’t be giving any information out. Not about this.
“So you two just avoid each other for fun then?”
“I don’t . . . He’s the . . . Never mind, it doesn’t matter. We’re not avoiding each other.”
Logan studies me, which of course makes me uncomfortable. He frowns. I would cut off my left arm to read his mind. I feel like my brother just tested me on something and I want to know if I passed.
“That’s impressive.”
“What?” I ask, regretting it as soon as the word slips out of my mouth.
“That you say ‘it doesn’t matter’ like you believe it. Too bad I know something is going on between you two and you’re not okay with it.”
“We had a fight. We got over it. We’re not avoiding each other, we just haven’t been in the same room.” He avoids being anywhere I am and doesn’t respond to my texts or calls.
“You two aren’t talking, and you haven’t hung out in I don’t even know how long. Clearly you guys aren’t over it, Addie.”
I don’t bother objecting. There’s no point. Jax and I aren’t friends. That isn’t going to change. I’ve given him every chance in the world and he still avoids me. It sucks, but I’ve accepted it.
“He misses you.”
I laugh. “Right!” Sarcasm laces my voice.
“Even if he won’t admit it, he misses your friendship. Ever since you guys had your falling out months ago, he’s been different . . . lost almost.”
I desperately want his words to be true, but sadly they’re not. If they were, then Jax and I would have been able to get back to normal. We haven’t and it’s not from a lack of trying on my part, either.
“We were never that close,” I say, even though Logan won’t believe me. I don’t even believe myself. “If he’s lost, it’s not because of me. I’m just his best friend’s little sister. I’ve never been his friend.”
I hate how small my voice gets. That is what I fear most with Jax. That he puts up with me for Logan’s sake.
Logan gives me the-don’t-be-stupid look. “You two have been friends since childhood.”
“No, you two have been friends since childhood. I was the little girl that you let tag along.”
Logan stands. I take his offered hand.
“You are as much of his friend as I am. He needs you in his life, Addie, and I know you need him, too.” He gazes out at the city before he continues. “You two have been friends for so long. You shouldn’t throw that away over something stupid.”
“He told you why we got in a fight?”
“No, he didn’t have to. Whatever you guys fought over is stupid if you two aren’t talking. So swallow your pride and talk to him again.”
I let out my breath. I thought Jax told Logan about everything that happened between us. I’m relieved he didn’t. I don’t think my brother would take it badly, but I’m sure he doesn’t want to know that his best friend slept with his sister.
“It’s not pride. He just doesn’t want to fix things.”
“He’s your friend. Just call him.”
“I’ll think about it, that’s the best I can offer.”
“I’ll take it. Now that it’s settled, let’s talk about more important matters,” Logan says as he leads me to his living room.
Whenever I enter this room, one picture always steals my attention. The picture of our parents on their wedding day. They smile at each other, and in that one moment, the photographer captured the love my parents had for each other. It steals my breath away each and every time. I force myself to glance away and make my feet carry me to the grey couch.
“There’s more important matters than Jax and I making up? No!” I grab my chest dramatically.
Logan shakes his head at me, but I know he thinks I’m funny. It’s hard not to, I’m hilarious.
“The fundraiser tomorrow.”
“Oh.”
I don’t know what to say. I know it’s for a great cause. It raises money for foster care. My dad would be happy that we’ve kept it going, I just hate the looks I get from everyone there. I feel like I’m in that dream everyone has. The one when you show up to school naked and everyone points and laughs. Instead of being naked, I’m the girl who survived. Instead of laughing, everyone gives me sad smiles like they understand. They don’t.
“So will you?” Logan asks.
“What?”
“You really need to stop spacing out.”
“Yeah, yeah, yeah, I’m working on it.” I roll my eyes at him. “Seriously, what’s up?”
Logan runs his hand through his buzzed cut brown hair. A gesture I know well. He’s stalling.