“I think you should give the speech this year.” He raises his hands up to stop me from interrupting him. “Before you say no and give me every excuse in the book, just think about it.”
“Besides the fact that everyone expects the speech to be by you, not me, I still can’t do it.”
“Why?”
“You do realize the event is tomorrow, right?” I ask him.
“Your point?”
“My point? Oh, I don’t know, maybe that I can’t write it, practice and in less than twenty-four hours give a speech that I’m not prepared for.”
“Okay, I’ll give you that, but what’s the real reason.”
Logan crosses his arms over his chest. I know he won’t drop this until I tell him why I can’t. My brother is stubborn.
“I just can’t give the speech. I can’t deal with the stares from everyone.”
“You can do whatever you set your mind to, Addie. And they’re not staring at you in the way you think. They’re staring at you because they can’t believe that after everything you’ve been through, you’re still here. It’s something we all admire, especially me.”
“With a speech like that, I can’t wait to hear what you come up with tomorrow.”
“So you won’t do it?”
I shake my head because that’s my usual answer. Each year Logan asks me and each year I say no. I know he thinks this year will be different. So far this year has been different. I’ve been different. But it’s still not the year for me to stand up in front of everyone and give a speech.
“Not this year, but maybe next year.”
Logan thinks about it for a second. “Fine, are you actually going to stay and listen this year?”
“I promise I’ll try. You know I hate these things.”
“No you don’t, you love them.”
“No, I love the pretty dresses. That’s about it. Everyone there is always so fake.”
“And you wouldn’t know anything about being fake in public?”
I shrug. We both know it’s true. I’m not the only one guilty of that though, everyone does it. Nobody wants the world to really see them. They want that one special person to break down the walls and accept them as they are. The only difference between everyone and me is that I don’t want anyone to break down my walls. I like them in their place. Without them I would be naked. Nobody has the patience to break down my walls anyway. With me, every brick that falls, another one comes back in its place.
After eating an early dinner with my brother, I return home. I still can’t get over that my awkwardness with Jax is obvious to everyone. I thought we were doing a pretty good job acting like everything was fine. Guess I was wrong.
I know my brother is right. I should talk to Jax. I’ve avoided him as much as he’s avoided me.
I tell myself this is the last chance that I will give Jaxon Chandler. That’s what I want to believe anyway, but deep down I know it’s bullshit. I will always give Jax every chance in the world. I wish I had more backbone when it comes to him. Maybe one day. Yeah, one day I’ll be able to say enough is enough and mean it. Too bad today isn’t that day. I send him a quick text, needing to get this over with before I lose my nerve.
Me: We need to talk . . . Can you come over?
Jax: Sure. What time
Not gonna lie, his quick response surprises me. Not as much as him agreeing to come over. I bite my lip, wondering if I should freshen up. I quickly shake that idea out of my head. I do not want to look good for him. I’m glad that I just got done working out with Logan. I’m definitely not looking my best right now.
Me: Now?
Jax: See you soon.
I sit on my couch and wait. A little less than twenty minutes later, I hear him outside my apartment. I wonder where Jax was because I know he wasn’t at his place. It’s not possible to get to each other’s building in this short amount of time.
That’s not the point. I need to focus on the matter at hand.
Calm and collected. No yelling. Just stay calm and collected. Calm and collected, should be easy right? From my spot on the couch I can hear him sliding a key into the lock. I stand, all previous thoughts vanish. I march over to the foyer.
“WHAT THE FUCK!” I say a little too loudly before he can even close the door.
“Hello to you too, Ads,” Jax says.
Fucking cocky bastard. He walks past me to my living room and sits on the coffee table. I despise arrogant Jax. At least it’s easier to stay mad at him when he’s like this.
“Why do you still have a key? Never mind, it doesn’t matter,” I say when I realize that I never demanded it back. I blame The God for distracting me.
“What matters then?” he asks before I can finish my train of thought.
I point my finger at his face.
“Me?”
He slides his keys in his back pocket. If he didn’t ask “me” in a way that sadly makes my skin ignite, I would be a little nicer. Too bad Jax is the only man who can make me want to kill him and kiss him at the same time. I am not going to be nice or easy on him. I may be losing it here, but I can’t find the will to care.
I’m pissed. I’m outraged that he’s hardly talked to me and just swaggers in here. Who does he think he is? I bite my lip in a way that I think is sexy and look him up and down. I watch him closely to see if I can ignite a reaction. All I want is a small one. Bingo! He swallows loudly and his pupils dilate. It’s the exact reaction I wanted.
“Yes you,” I say in a voice that I hope is seductive.
I know I’m playing with fire here.
“Me?” he asks again, this time his voice a little deeper.
I smile on the inside knowing that I got to him. I narrow my eyes at him. I’m done playing with fire now.
“Who do you think you are, Jaxon? We’ve barely talked in months. MONTHS! And you just walk in here like you own the place. Who does that?”
“Ads, calm down, it hasn’t been months we just saw each other at brunch. Besides, I don’t see why you’re making such a big deal. I’ve always had a key and I’ve always used it. I don’t see why you would care now.”
“Calm down? Really, you want to tell me to calm down?” I shove him back a little. “A key to someone’s place is either from a friend or a lover. You aren’t my friend and you are definitely not my lover, Jaxon!”
I know I should calm down, but now that he’s here, all sense has left. Did I even have any to begin with? Not when he’s near.
“Talking is having a conversation. Not nodding your head and saying hello and goodbye to each other,” I say with venom dripping out of my voice.
“We are friends! I don’t know what else you want from me, Ads!”
“We’re friends, really? Okay, Jax, since we’re such close friends, what’s been going on in my life? Because I have no idea what’s going on in yours! That’s not a friendship and you know it!”
Jax’s silence angers me more.
“Exactly! You have no idea what’s been going on in my life because you haven’t been here! You’ve been avoiding me for no reason! We slept together again, get over it! I have!”
Jax opens his mouth to say something, but I talk over him.
“You want to know what I want? I want you, Jax! I want you in my life! I don’t care about the stupid bullshit that happened between us. It was nothing and didn’t mean anything to either one of us. I just want my friend back.”
“Ads, I haven’t been avoiding you. I’ve been busy with work and you know that we are friends.”
“It’s Adalynn! Not Ads!”
“Come on, Ads, don’t be like this.”
Jax makes an attempt to embrace me, but I step out of reach. His arms fall to his side. I will not let him walk all over me like this again. I deserve the truth.
“It’s Adalynn, not Ads! We’re not friends so you don’t get to have a nickname for me!”
I shake my head when he moves closer. I know if he touches me, I will lose it. I will collapse into his arms and breathe in his heavenly scent. I can’t do that. It can’t be that easy, not this time.