“Of course it was! I’m the one responsible! If I wasn’t fighting with them, my dad would have been paying attention! I said things that I can never take back! I ruined everything. I killed them. I killed them. I killed them.”
“You weren’t the one who fled an accident. You weren’t the one who decided not to call the police to inform them what happened.”
“I know!”
“Then why do you blame yourself? You didn’t force that woman to drive away.”
“Emily.” I snap. “The drivers name was Emily Hayes.”
Silence descends. Liv waits until I unclench my fist before she continues.
“You’re not Mother-Nature. You didn’t ask for the rain that night. You were mad and expressed yourself. You said things you didn’t mean. They knew how you really felt, they knew you loved them. You aren’t the cause of the accident. You didn’t kill them.”
“I know,” I admit, surprising us both.
I test that word over and over again in my head, looking for doubt. There isn’t any. I didn’t kill them. I didn’t kill my parents. I didn’t kill my little sister. I chant those words over in my head till they blend together. I feel lighter. I can breathe easily without the guilt of killing my family hanging over my head.
Liv has a huge smile on her face as if she can read my mind. The pain is still there, but it’s a different pain from what’s been there for the last six years. The pain I felt for blaming myself was all-consuming. I couldn’t deal, so I shut everyone and everything out.
I don’t feel like that anymore. The pain of knowing that they are never coming back is there, but I am able to breathe. I don’t want to be that girl anymore, that isn’t really here because she lost her family; I want to be that girl who makes her parents proud.
I’ve been wanting happiness for awhile now. I’ve been trying. I’ve been convincing myself that I was happy, but I don’t think I truly was until now with the weight of the guilt finally off my shoulders. I’m not carrying that burden anymore. I can’t fight the smile that plays on my lips.
“Acceptance.”
“What?” I ask, confused.
“Acceptance. You’ve reached acceptance, Addie. That’s what you’re feeling right now.”
I test the word out for myself, “Acceptance.”
After gathering my purse, I turn and give Liv a hug. I don’t say anything. She has helped me so much. I don’t know where I would be without her. Yes I do, I would still be pretending, most likely. Living without actually breathing.
I walk out without another word. I spot my brother in his usual seat waiting for me. He stands as I approach him. I wrap my arms around him. My rock.
“Thank you for always being here for me even when I try to push you away. I’m sorry that I shut down and lost myself. You didn’t deserve that. You lost them too and had to deal with losing me even though I was still here. I love you Logan,” I say into his chest.
Logan is speechless. I can see that he is trying to rein in his emotions.
“I know how much you want to be here for me. But right now I need to be alone. I just have to get my head on straight. I promise I will see you before you leave tomorrow. Just . . . I . . .”
“You got it, baby girl.” He kisses me on top of my head. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”
I smile at him before I leave. I walk around for what feels like hours, but I have no sense of time. I wander the streets of New York without a destination. I keep replaying the word “acceptance” in my head. Is it really this easy? Am I just pretending or am I really better? I know I can’t be that girl I was before the accident. I’m still me, though. Just a different version of myself.
I’m going to continue getting better for the four lives that were lost that night; my dad, my mom, my little sister, and me. I died that night. They were able to bring me back, but I lost something that I can never regain. That piece of my soul, that has forever changed the person that I am, died that night.
A laugh that I will know anywhere snaps me back to reality. Please, please be wrong. I know without a doubt that I’m not. I see a man’s back against a brick wall while a leggy blonde sucks on his neck. I can’t see the man’s face, but I don’t need to see it. I can tell from his unruly hair, the muscles showing through his custom suit, who he is. It’s Jax.
Glancing around, I realize where I am. I’m standing a block away from Jax’s apartment building. Of course I am. Where else would my legs carry me?
I stand still, unable to move or look away. I hear him tell me how much he loves me in my mind while some blonde whispers in his ear, causing him to laugh and shake his head. I want to scream at her to get her slutty hands off him, but I don’t. I freeze, mouth open, while the man that I love lets some tramp have her way with him in the middle of the sidewalk.
I thought the pain of Jax’s rejection was the worst thing that he could do to me. Now I’m not so sure. Seeing him with her floods the pain of losing him back to the surface again. Instead of the heart-shattering pain from before, I’m fucking furious. Especially when I see who the slutty blonde is.
She’s the troll from the bathroom who was considering dyeing her hair based on Jax’s preferences. As if they can feel my staring at them, they both turn their heads my way. The troll looks amused while Jax pales. Good.
Not needing to witness what happens next, I turn around and run away. Jax shouts my name so I run faster. I’m thankful that I wore flats instead of the wedges I pulled out of my closet. The would have made my escape impossible.
I’m about to reach the corner when I’m jerked to a stop. All my anger from not being enough from Jax rises to the surface, and seeing him with the blonde troll pushes me one step closer to losing it. All the pent up anger from not being able to change what happened six years ago makes me lose it. I take all of it out on Jax in the form of a slap.
He releases his tight hold on my wrist as he stumbles back. I’m barely able to keep myself from falling into him. My right hand burns from the force of the blow. I’ve hit him before, but that was child’s play compared to the slap he just received.
There’s an entire imprint of my hand on his left cheek. Good.
“Don’t you EVER fucking touch me again!” I shout.
“Wait, Ads!” he yells after me.
I jump into a cab and scream out my address at the poor driver. I apologize and pretend like I’m not the crazy person he just saw smack some guy on the street. I sigh in relief when the driver veers away right when Jax tries to open the door. I don’t look back even though every part of me begs me to turn around and ask the driver to stop.
Chapter Twenty-Seven
I unlock my front door, hurl my purse on the ground, and slam the door. I continue visualizing the scene over and over again with the stupid melody of him telling me I’m not enough. A sick torture that I can’t escape. I need help. I need a friend right now. Without any thought, I drop to the floor and dig through my purse for my phone. I ignore all the missed messages and call the only person I can. She answers on the first ring.
“Hello love!” Harper sings into the phone.
Throat tight, I weakly choke out, “Hi.”
“I’m on my way. Keep the door unlocked,” Harper says before hanging up.
She doesn’t ask if I want company. She knows I need her. I had a tiny second of doubt that I shouldn’t have called her, that I should be strong enough on my own, but I made the right choice. Needing someone else every once in a while isn’t a bad thing. It doesn’t make me weak.
I desperately want to change into something comfortable, but I can’t find the strength to move. Today had been one hell of a day. I feel as if someone took a metal bat to my head then realized that wasn’t doing enough damage so they grabbed the biggest knife they could find and stabbed me repeatedly in the chest.