Somehow I manage to stumble my way to my balcony. I gulp in the cool night air. I should run back inside for a sweater or a blanket, but I can’t. Instead I collapse in one of my lounge chairs and wait for Harper.
It’s not long when I hear her calling my name. I’m too tired to raise my voice. Even though I’m emotionally drained to the point I feel like my head will explode any second, my mind won’t shut off.
I see the blonde troll making Jax laugh while he tells me I’m not enough. I relive the way his eyes sparkled as he confessed his love for me. Then as if that’s not enough, I see Hadley extending her headphones while the sound of my dad’s head smashing into the window as I soundtrack that plays over and over again. The images blur together until I can’t decipher what I’m seeing.
“What happened, Adalynn? Can you hear me?” Harper talks too fast, panicked.
All I can do is nod. Well, I think I nod. My whole body quakes. Is it from the cold outside or from the coldness inside of me? I’m vaguely aware that Harper keeps talking, asking me more questions that I can’t answer. All I hear is Hadley painfully saying my name one last time. Her last word was my name.
She was the only one besides Jax to call me Ads. I’ve never let anyone else call me that, even before she died. She thought it was Jax picking on me when we were younger, that’s why she started calling me Ads. To her horror, it was only a nickname, a nickname that only Jax could use, as he patiently told her. Too bad Hadley has always gotten her way even with Jax. He couldn’t get her to stop calling me Ads. It became their name for me.
When I heard Jax call me Ads the first time in the hospital, I couldn’t breathe through the pain. I would never hear my little sister call me that again, it would only be Jax. As much as it hurt in the beginning, I couldn’t tell him to stop. I think on some level he knew how much I needed it even though I dreaded it. I needed a daily reminder of her that wasn’t tainted from that night.
He gave me that.
I’m aware that Harper has wrapped me in a blanket and is speaking on the phone. I can tell that she’s frantic and all I can do is watch while my mind goes round and round. Troll . . . Jax . . . car accident . . . Hadley. A constant replay.
“She’s here, but not. Her eyes are lifeless and she keeps saying Hadley over and over again.”
Harper pauses to listen. Normally I would care who’s on the other line, I think. I can’t find the energy to care. Not tonight. Tonight I just want to sleep even though it’s pointless. Sleep won’t be coming anytime soon.
“No, I didn’t want to worry him. Besides, something tells me she needs you right now.”
Another pause.
“Because . . . she keeps saying your name too,” Harper says quietly as if she doesn’t want to admit this.
Her voice drowns out again as I relive the last words I ever said to my dad in my head.
I was hurt that he didn’t trust my judgment. He kept asking questions I couldn’t answer. I promised . . . someone . . . it would be our secret . . . nobody would know that it was . . . I groan as that thought floats away, leaving me with more questions I don’t have the answers to.
I was mad that my Dad was pushing me. Mad that my parents ambushed my last swim meet by inviting Jax. I wanted to hurt my Dad. I wanted him to feel how I felt. I said the most untruthful words I’ve ever spoken out loud. Words that I can never take back. Those will forever be the last words he’s ever heard from me. At least with my mom, I was able to say sorry and tell her how much I loved her. I will never get that chance with my dad.
Startling Harper, I jump off the lounge chair and fall to the floor in front of the iron railing. I rock back and forth. I would expect anyone to start freaking out right about now, but nope, not my best friend. She sits right down besides me, throws an arm around my shoulder and hugs me while she helps sway me back and forth. She doesn’t say anything, neither do I.
Harper’s arm drops from my shoulder and she’s gone. I want to cry out to her. To tell her I won’t always be this broken, that I need her, that I can’t be alone right now. I even manage to open my mouth to beg her to stay, but nothing comes out. I just continue to rock into the railing.
“Please . . . Please . . . Help . . . Sister . . . Hurt,” I choke out to the paramedic who is trying to put something over my mouth.
“Shh. I need you to stay calm for me. Okay? Let us do our job. We got her now.” He says it reassuringly, I’m sure to help me relax.
I don’t feel relaxed. I need to see her. Where is she? Why aren’t they working on her? I’m fine. Just a few broken bones. I attempt to tell him again that I’m fine, but nothing comes out. Panic breaks through the surface and I struggle against them, desperate to see Hadley. Where is she? The morning sun blinds me, making it impossible to see without squinting.
Gathering all the strength that I have left, I push the paramedic out of my face, force myself to sit up and scream as loudly as I can, “Hads! Help, Hadley!”
The paramedic gently but firmly pushes me back down onto the gurney. I don’t struggle against him anymore. I’m dying. My breaths are coming slower; this time I don’t fight it. I couldn’t even if I wanted to.
“We’re losing her!” someone shouts in the distance.
I’m surprised he sounds so far away. The guy is hovering over me. Why does he sound so far away? Everything starts to float away. I feel lighter.
Before my eyes close for the final time, I see her. They have my sister. She has a mask over her face. A woman runs out of the ambulance with the defibrillator. The man doing compressions doesn’t pause while the pads are placed on her chest. Everything clicks into place. I gather enough strength to keep my eyes open just a little longer. With everything inside of me, which isn’t a lot, I stay awake. This may be the last time I ever see her alive again. I won’t think of what it’s going to be like to not have her in my life.
Time stops.
One . . . Two . . . Three . . . Four . . . Five . . .
Breathe.
I need you!
“We have a pulse!” the woman announces.
As the blackness takes over, I only have one thought.
She’s alive.
The ground disappears beneath me. I breathe in the scent that reminds me of home. It’s so strong that it lures me out of my self-inflicted torture. Wrapping my arms around his neck, I cuddle into his chest fully aware that I should resist him but I can’t. Not tonight. Tonight I want to be in his arms. Tomorrow I’ll be strong. Tonight I’ll be weak in Jax’s strong arms. Jax’s lays me in my bed and starts to pull away.
“Stay,” I manage to squeak out.
“I’m not going anywhere, Ads. I’m just going to talk to Harper then get you in some pjs. Then we will cuddle like old times. Okay?”
He kisses my nose and waits for me to nod against his lips before walking away. At the door he gives me a warm smile then disappears to talk to Harper. I wait for a minute or two but when I don’t hear the front door opening and closing, I get restless. My mind has finally cleared enough that I am fully aware of what’s going on again. I don’t want to hide away in my room. I need to face Harper so that she knows I’m not mental.
I tiptoe around in the hallway and pause as they speak in the living room. I’m spying. I mold my body close to the wall so I can’t be seen while I listen.
“I knew something was wrong immediately. She sounded like she was crying,” Harper informs Jax.