“How was therapy?”
I should have known better. Jax isn’t known for letting things go.
“Fine.”
“Obviously you got worked up. That’s why you went on a walk. That’s why I found you like I did.” He says the last part quietly.
I don’t even attempt to count and calm down. I can’t. Not about this. I’m out of bed glaring at him.
“Who do you think you are? You don’t know me! You don’t care! You weren’t here! You didn’t find me! Harper called you! You left! You fucking left me like always!”
I’m crackling in anger. My entire body trembles from the physical need to hit something or someone, but I refuse to give into the urge. In the next second, Jax wraps me in his arms. I thrash, squirming to get away from him. It’s pointless, I know it, but I can’t stop fighting him. I don’t need him. I want to hurt him. Not because he’s Jax, but because he’s here. I don’t want to be the only one dying inside.
“I-I . . .” I can’t even say I hate him. I don’t, and no matter what, the words won’t come out.
Out of nowhere a memory of Jax leaving me standing in the middle of LAX airport bombards my thoughts. I’m begging him to stay with me in California, not to go back to NYU. He didn’t even look at me as he broke my heart and walked away, without a promise to return. As I concentrate on when this was, everything surrounding it, the vague memory drifts away, leaving more questions.
“You left me,” I murmur again and again.
I repeatedly pound my fist into his chest. He doesn’t say anything or try to stop me. I’m not hitting him hard enough to hurt him, but even if I was, I doubt that he would stop me.
“It’s okay,” Jax says once I drop my hands to my side.
I gaze into his green eyes. His sincerity is why words tumble out of my mouth without any conscious thought.
“They left me. I listened to them die, Jax. I wasn’t able to do anything but watch as my mom died right before my eyes! I’m so mad at them. All of the time. Why did they die and I survived?”
My legs give out, but before I can fall to to the floor, Jax catches me. Instead of carrying me the short distance to my bed like I expect, he sinks to the ground and leans against my bed frame with me in his lap. I rest my head against his shoulder and lay my hand over his beating heart. Jax stops rubbing my arm, laces his fingers through mine. Warmth radiates off his hand. He makes me feel safe.
“How could they leave me? I can’t . . . I miss them every day. There’s days I wake up and I forget about the accident and I’m happy. I’m blissfully happy. Then reality comes back with a vengeance and I lose them all over again. There’s times when I even go as far to call out for my dad. I hate that! I hate not knowing when I’m going to wake up and think that they’re alive. I fucking hate that I live for those mornings, just to be truly happy, only to be crushed all over again.”
Jax wipes his thumb over my cheek and it’s then that I realize I’m bawling. Reaching up, I touch my face. The wetness I feel is foreign. I don’t cry. Ever. I haven’t cried in six years.
“I’m so angry! All of the time! I’m so angry at them! They left me!” I cry into his shirt.
I don’t know how long we stay like this, me sobbing into his shirt while he holds me. He never tries to tell me it will be okay or some other bullshit advice. He kisses the top of my head while drawing patterns on my arms. It feels like I’m going to run out of tears, but just keep pouring down my cheeks. I can’t stop mourning what I lost, what was stolen from me.
I cry for the death of my parents.
I cry for the death of Hadley.
I cry for the death of me.
Feeling like it’s been hours since I started weeping I try to calm down. Which of course just makes me cry harder. Why can’t I stop sobbing? I clutch onto Jax, afraid that he’s going to get up and leave me like this.
“Don’t . . . I—”
“I know, just let it out. I’m not going anywhere,” Jax whispers into my hair.
Just hearing that he isn’t leaving me is enough to help me breathe again. I gave up wiping my face a long time ago since it’s pointless. I snuggle into Jax’s chest and breathe him in, willing the tears to stop. After what feels like another hour, the tears finally dry up. I wipe my face and nose with the end of Jax’s dress shirt.
“Sorry,” I mumble, not feeling sorry at all.
Jax brushes the hair out of my face and kisses my nose. “Don’t be.”
When I’m finally calmed down again, Jax picks me up as if I weigh nothing and strolls to the bathroom with me in his strong arms. He cleans off my face with a warm towel while I sit and watch him take care of me. Once he’s satisfied, he carries me back to my bed. After covering me in my blanket, he turns off the light. My side lamp is on so I can still see clearly, but I’m not blinded by the light anymore. He kicks off his shoes. After stripping out of his shirt and carelessly throwing it on the floor, he unbuttons his pants.
“We’re gonna cuddle like old times and if you want to talk more, I’m going to listen. If you just want me to hold you, then you’ll be in my arms all night.”
I study his face while he strips out of his pants. As much as I want to stare at other places on his body, I can’t. Nothing has changed between us and I need my friend right now.
Jax peels back the duvet and slides in next to me. He lifts his arm in the air, an invitation for me to cuddle. I don’t need to be told twice. I eagerly lay my head on his chest, and wrap my leg over him, while he holds onto me tightly. I melt into him, expecting to sleep but to my surprise, I open up more.
“I told Liv about the crash . . . It was like I was there all over again. Reliving it all. I could see it all as clear as I can see you. I was so scared. I didn’t know what to do. I couldn’t save them. I couldn’t—”
“Stop. You did everything that you could. You need to stop blaming yourself. It wasn’t your fault. I miss them too, but I’m not sorry that you’re here, Ads. I need you to be here. I can’t imagine losing you.” His voice cracks.
Gazing into his eyes, I know he’s telling the truth. Which makes it impossible for my heart not to break a little more. He loves me. I know he does. Everything he does proves it over and over again, but he’s not willing to do anything about it for whatever reason. Hearing the sincerity in his voice shatters me.
“I don’t know how to live without them,” I admit.
“One day at a time,” he says, repeating what Liv has told me countless times.
“I know, it’s just hard.” Stalling, I nuzzle closer to him. “I felt like I was betraying them somehow. I wouldn’t allow myself to be happy because they weren’t here. Anytime I started to live again, I could hear my dad’s head hit the window. I’d hear my mom’s last words and, mostly I would see Hadley’s lifeless body while the paramedics tried to save her.”
“They wouldn’t—”
“I know. That’s why I started trying. I realized that if things were different and she was here instead of me, I wouldn’t want her weighed down by guilt. I would want her to live to the fullest because I couldn’t. I would want her to live for me. That’s what I’m doing. I’m living for all of them, especially Hadley. She was so young, she didn’t get to experience life. I feel like I tainted their memories somehow because I haven’t been experiencing life for so long.”
I close my eyes and picture my parents and my little sister. Instead of seeing their lifeless bodies, I see them alive and happy. I see my dad hugging my mom while they dance in our kitchen, and I see Hadley twirling around the house in a tutu when she was eight. I’m surprised that the images don’t make me fall apart. Instead they make me smile, a sad smile, but it’s still more than I’ve been able to do in the last six years. Anytime I remember them, I’ve always felt guilty. It’s strange not having that guilt anymore.
“That’s why I won’t go back to the way I was. I can’t. I know if I do, I won’t be able to pull myself out of it again. And I couldn’t do that to them. My mom told me to be strong and I need to start being the strong person she believed I was.”