“Go down and eat.” Jax holds my homework hostage. “This will be here when you get back.”
“Fine.”
I race down the stairs. The front door opens at the same time that I reach the last step.
“Come on in,” I say jokingly to Connor.
“Ah . . . Ah . . . Ah,” Connor wiggles a finger in front of my face. “Be nice or I won’t share any of my pizza and I even got your favorite.”
“Have I told you how much I love you lately?” I steal the small box of pizza that I know is mine and lead him to our massive kitchen.
“She’s gonna be trouble when she’s older,” Connor informs Logan.
“Don’t remind me,” Logan says as he pulls down three glasses.
“Three? Aren’t you missing a glass?” Connor says, making my heart beat rapidly. He can’t possibly know that Jax is here.
“Hads is at her friends for the night.” Logan pours soda in all three glasses.
Opening the fridge, I ignore the rest of their conversation as I stare at the yogurt filling the middle shelf. It’s practically overflowing with Greek yogurt.
“Did Mom go shopping?” I ask even though I know she didn’t.
“I don’t think so, why?”
“Just wondering,” I say with a smile as I snag a Powerade and close the fridge.
Connor takes their box of pizza and follows Logan to the living room. I wait a few seconds until I hear the T.V. before I open the fridge again and steal two yogurts and a bottle of water. After loading the yogurts, spoon, water, and Powerade in a bag, I grab a Cliffbar out of the pantry. I don’t know when’s the last time Jax ate, but I’m betting he’s starving like usual.
My steps are slow as I balance everything while climbing the stairs. Jax locks my door and accepts the orange soda from my hands. He takes a sip before setting it on the nightstand. I spread all the food on the floor, sit down and wait for Jax to join me. Once he’s settled, I reach into the bag and hand him a Powerade and grab a slice of pizza for me. Jax helps himself to pizza with a smile on his face.
“Thanks,” I say, pointing my pizza at the yogurt on the floor.
Lightly bumping his shoulder with mine he asks, “Am I forgiven?”
I nod and lean against him while I finish eating. After three slices, I yawn loudly, exhausted, ready for bed. I wasn’t kidding when I told Logan my coach worked us hard today. I shove the homework that I will have to rush to finish tomorrow into my backpack before crawling into bed.
Jax throws all the trash into a pile next to my door and then comes back over to my bed. I scoot over and raise the blanket for him. Without waiting, Jax lays next to me and touches his lips softly against mine. I smile as his fingers find mine. I fall asleep listening to him breathing while he clasps my hand.
“He blames me.” Jax says, pulling me out of the past. “So he took it out on me whenever he could.”
“What?” I ask calmly. Jax isn’t making sense.
“My mom. She left him and he never got over that. I think he blames me. That’s why I always tried to be the perfect kid. That’s why I was able to skip a grade when I was younger. I pushed myself to be the best. I thought if I was good enough, she would come home and we would be this happy family again.
“I never gave up hope that she would come home. I just needed to be better. And whenever I made him mad at me, I thought he was punishing me to teach me a lesson. If I learned my lessons and I wasn’t bad anymore, she would come home.” He snuggles closer to me and breathes me in. “She never came home. She didn’t want us, didn’t want me.”
I feel Jax’s pain as if it’s my own. I can’t even imagine being a child and thinking that. He was so young when his mom left. I don’t need to ask if the beatings started when she left. Everything in me screams “yes.” I see Jax as a bruised child and I have the sudden urge to vomit. I swallow it down and take deep calming breaths. I will stay strong. Jax doesn’t need to be taking care of me.
“I still don’t understand,” I say quietly into the dark.
“He loved her. He loved her more than anything, more than me. I know he never wanted a child. He despises children, but he gave her one because he wanted to make her happy, but I didn’t make her happy, I made matters worse. He would have given her the world. I know what it’s like to love someone and not be able to have them. It breaks you.” His voice trails off.
I turn my head, looking at his face even though I can’t see anything because we’re surrounded in darkness. I know he’s doing the same.
“He was stuck with a kid that he didn’t want. I remind him of her. I look just like her. I will never forgive him and what he did isn’t right, but on some level I understand.”
A lone tear trails down my face onto his chest. For some godawful reason, I see where Jax is coming from. I understand what Jax is getting at, but that’s as far as it will ever go. I will never comprehend why Wyatt did what he did, and I won’t pretend to understand. Some things in life are never meant to be solved. I learned that the hard way.
“You’re. Not. Him,” I say loud and clear.
When Jax stays silent, I try another approach.
“You don’t have to be broken, Jax. You’re not him. You will never be him. You don’t have it in you. You can’t even hate him!”
I feel like if I can get it through his head that he’s not his father, we can be together. I know this is our make-it-or-break-it point. If Jax doesn’t believe me and believe in himself, he will shatter us. We will never have a chance if he thinks that he’s his father. He will never be with me if he thinks he will hurt me.
“I am him! Don’t you see, Ads? I might not beat little kids, but I’m still fucked up in the head. Look at what I do to you!”
“What?” I ask, wishing that I didn’t once the word leaves my mouth.
“I play with you. Over and over again, I lead you on. I let you get close, just to pull away. I can’t love you the way you want me to. I can’t be loved by you. I’m dark. I can’t bring you down in the darkness with me. I won’t.”
“Jax, I want to be there with you. Where do you think I’ve been since high school? Taking a vacation? I’ve been where you are. Shutting the world out. Thinking I don’t deserve happiness. I know what that feels like. Heck, I’m there most days! If you’re surrounded by darkness, than that’s where I want to be. Let me be your light. We’ll fight it together. We’re better together. Don’t you see that?”
“I am not surrounded by darkness, I am the darkness, Adalynn.” I shiver at his tone. When he speaks again, he’s calmer. “It can’t be like that. You deserve more. You deserve someone better. You deserve him.”
“Kohen?”
“Yes, Kohen. The doctor. You don’t see it, but I do. He’s a new beginning, I’m the one who reminds you of your past. He won’t remind you of what you lost like I do. He makes you smile. He’s given you a reason to live again.”
“You’re wrong!” I whisper.
Neither of us yells. We’re barely talking above a whisper, but I can hear each word as if it was announced through a loudspeaker.
“I’m not. You just don’t see the change in yourself that I do.”
“I gave myself a reason to live again. Not you. Not Kohen. Me! The only people in this world that can take credit for helping me live again are gone! They were taken from me. And you’re just going to walk away from me.”
“I’m here. I’ll always be here for you, Ads. As a friend. That’s all we can be. We can’t be more.” Jax says it so sadly that it breaks my heart even more if that’s possible.