I hate that I don’t want to hear the answer, but I ask anyways. “And college?”
He reaches for my hand, but I jerk away. If he touches me I’ll crumble.
“If you’re asking if I was a virgin when we slept together, the answer is yes.” He caresses my face with his hands. “I didn’t lie to you.”
I suck in a ragged breath. All this time I thought he was lying to me. I never regretted losing my virginity to him even though I thought he was experienced. I’m glad that I was wrong. It doesn’t escape my notice that he uses past tense. I want to ask what he’s lied to me about since then, but I don’t think I’ll want to hear the answer to that, either.
“Do you know who slept with her?” I ask, getting us back on track. I don’t want us to focus on losing our virginity to each other.
“No idea,” he says with a snicker.
“What’s funny?” I ask.
“You refused to talk to me for two weeks. Two long weeks. All because Lexi got laid that night and I took care of you.” He has a smirk on his face that I ignore while digging into my yogurt.
We eat in a comfortable silence. By comfortable, I mean Jax holds my hand while my mind races over and over again. I have no idea when he’s planning on leaving, and as much as I want to keep him here forever—I would even settle for handcuffing him to my bed—I just want him to leave already. Its beyond confusing. The more he stays here with me, touching me, being so sweet, the more I want to convince him to give us a chance. Which of course is beyond idiotic. We’ve been down that road way too many times. At this point, I’ve lost count. I have to keep reminding myself that I’m free.
I’m free of my past.
I’m free of Jax.
If only my heart could get on the same page, I would be golden. Barely managing to finish my yogurt, I push my full plate away from me and stands up. Surprisingly, Jax doesn’t comment. He probably can sense my nerves, making it impossible to eat.
“So . . .” I cringe at how awkward I’m making this.
“So . . .” Jax repeats, all traces of happiness gone.
Unable to face him, I step on the pedal of the trashcan to lift the lid. I clear my plate while I talk. “I should start getting ready . . . I’m supposed to hang out with Logan and Connor before their flight tonight.”
Jax moves behind me to clear his plate, but I sidestep out of his way so we don’t accidentally touch. Lovey-dovey time is over. Reality has come too soon, but now that it’s here, I can’t ignore it. Jax knows how I feel and I know how he feels. Nothing is going to change. Something that I need to remind myself repeatedly so that I don’t throw myself at Jax and beg him to never leave me.
I shouldn’t have to beg someone to be with me. He either wants me, or he doesn’t. He’s made it clear that he doesn’t. Time to move on. A stupid tear slides down my cheek; hastily I wipe it away. After a few deep breaths, I get myself under control.
“Right.”
“Are you gonna be there?” I ask, hoping that he can’t tell how desperately I want him to say yes at the same time I want him to say no.
Jax shakes his head. “We celebrated the other night. No need to be girls about it, they’re only going to be gone for two weeks.”
“Right.” I shuffle my feet, feeling awkward standing in the kitchen in my raggedy pjs with Jax in his shirt from last night and black briefs. It should be illegal to look that good after waking up. I didn’t even get a chance a check my hair in the mirror earlier. I can feel the bird-nests.
“Well . . . I’m just gonna go get changed . . .” Yup, not awkward at all. Points to me.
“Yeah, me too,” Jax says as he follows me out of my kitchen. I have to force myself not to run and lock myself in my bathroom.
As awkwardly as humanly possible, I linger in the doorway and watch Jax dress. It’s a sight that I can never tire of. His abs flex while he bends to retrieve his clothes from the floor. As he slips his legs into his pants, I bite my lip. This would be so much easier if he wasn’t the most beautiful man in the history of the world, inside and out.
“I need you to stop,” Jax says in that deep bedroom voice I love.
“Huh?” I ask, puzzled.
He zips his pants, “It’s taking everything in me to stay over here . . . I’m not strong enough to do nothing when you keep looking at me like that . . . I’m only human.”
Face reddening, I simply manage to squeak out, “Oh.”
All that’s left is his shoes and then he will be gone. He’s leaving. I know eventually we will be friends again, but it won’t be the same. It can never be the same. I was naive to think that we could ever be friends like before. Everything changed the first time he kissed me on my birthday all those years ago. Everything changed forever when he told me he loves me.
It hits me like crashing into a brick wall. I can’t have him leave. I want a forever with him. I don’t want to be with anyone else. I don’t know how. There’s no substitute for him. He will forever be my first choice, the only choice I want.
“Stay,” I whisper so quietly, I doubt that he can hear me. He freezes. He heard me.
“Ads—”
“I know. I know for whatever reason, you think you’re not good enough. You think that you’ll pull me down with you. You’re wrong. God, you’re so wrong. I love you.”
I close the distance between us and stand in front of the man I love, trying for the last time to make him see what I see.
“You brighten my world. You’re the air I need to breathe. I need you. I love you! I just want you. Please, Jax. I know you love me. We can make this work. Jump with me. All you have to do is love me, Jaxon.”
Tears stream heavily down my face with the truth of my words. His eyes shine.
Gently, as if I’m made of glass, he caresses my face. “I can’t, Ads. I’m sorry. You have no idea how sorry I am. I would have given anything in the world to hear you tell me you love me once upon a time, but it doesn’t matter anymore, too much has happened. I can’t. I’m sorry, but I can’t do this.”
“What do you mean? What’s happened? All that matters is that we love each other.”
“I can’t tell you, not yet. When you’re ready, you’ll see I’m doing us a favor.”
My voice raises. “Tell me! I want to know why you’re giving up on us!”
He remains silent, refusing to tell me the truth once and for all. I push him away from me. Something that I can’t focus on flashes through my eyes. For some reason that tiny flash of black and white brings tears to my eyes. Jax is keeping something important from me. Whatever it is, it’s the reason why he’s ruining us. It’s not just his dysfunctional past and his fear of commitment. There’s something else, something worse.
“You’re keeping something from me! Tell me, I deserve to know what’s driving us apart.”
He remains silent.
“Please,” I beg.
“I can’t force you to remember. One day, you’ll be ready to hear the truth. When that day happens, I’ll be here if you need me, but you won’t. When that day comes, you’ll hate me forever.”
My stomach clenches. Something tears at my mind, but no matter how much I concentrate, I can’t reach it. I rub my temples and will the memory to come forth. It doesn’t. I watch as he leaves my room. It takes a second for me to follow him to my front door. When he opens it, I slam it closed.
“Tell me!”
Without facing me, he asks in a strangled voice, “What were we fighting about six years ago, the day of the accident?”
I want to scream in frustration. He isn’t making sense. He turns to face me, his cheek wet with tears. Whatever I’m repressing is bad.
“What do you remember from that day?” he asks.
“We weren’t fighting. My parents flew you three out for my birthday. You guys met us at my swim meet, surprising me. We had dinner together after.” And then the accident happened.