He shakes his head.
“Tell me what I’m missing.”
“Do you remember what was happening between us before that day?”
My silence is answer enough. For some reason it’s fuzzy and it shouldn’t be. I thought I was only blocking out the accident and the memories of my family. Until now, I had no clue that I was forgetting something major between us. I study him, begging him silently to explain. If he doesn’t, if he chooses to let me live in the void, I will never be able to forgive him.
“We weren’t talking, Ads. We didn’t talk for the three months leading up to the accident. You refused to take my calls.”
I put my hands in my face and weep. “I can’t remember!”
“And I can’t help you.”
My hands fall to their sides. “Why?”
He wipes his face with the back of his hand. “Because you’re not ready.” He reaches behind him and opens the door again. “When you are, you’ll remember.”
“If you leave without telling me the truth, I’ll never speak to you again. You and I will be done.” I step closer so he can see how serious I am. “I will erase you from my memory. Every laugh, every kiss, every touch, will be gone. I will forget everything about us, Jaxon. You’ll be just my brother’s friend. If you leave without telling me why I stopped talking to you, you will be dead to me.”
The tears flow down both our faces. He caresses my cheek. I don’t pull away, I allow myself one last touch from him. His hand falls back to his side.
“You’ll hate me when you remember. Either way I lose you, Ads.”
“If you tell me the truth right now, I promise I won’t hate you,” I vow, desperate for answers.
“You can’t promise that. Just know that no matter how much you despise me when you find out, I’ve hated myself for these last six years, and I’ll never forgive myself for what happened.”
“I’ll remember.”
“I know,” he says before walking out the door.
I sob as I watch him leave. I hate that my mind has betrayed me. I hate that he’s hiding something important from me. My legs give out as I bawl for something that I lost, but can’t remember. I rub my face as I replay every encounter I’ve ever had with him. I promise myself I’ll do this only once; after that I’ll throw away everything of his, anything that reminds me of him. The memories blur. I can’t remember a single thing about Jax in the few months before my seventeenth birthday. It’s as if during that time, Jax didn’t exist, which is a lie. I know it, I can feel it.
What am I forgetting? I couldn’t block out the accident, the images of that night have been burned into my soul, forever haunting me, but I’ve successfully erased an entire chapter out of my life.
What was so traumatizing that I forced myself to forget?
Chapter Thirty
My mind is elsewhere while I hang out with Connor and Logan. The questions are on an endless cycle in my mind. I can’t stop thinking which memories are fake, and which are real. Several times I’ve attempted to ask Logan, but the words wouldn’t come. I have a nagging feeling he wouldn’t tell me anyways if I asked. I feel like they’re all in this together.
“Why so glum? You don’t need to worry.” Connor sits down next to me on Logan’s sofa.
“Huh?”
Without missing a beat, Connor says with a smirk, “I’ll send you a picture of this sexy face every day.” He even goes as far as to point to said face. “So you can cheer up. You won’t go a day without seeing me.”
He’s attempting to lift my mood, but for the first time, it’s not working. I know he’s in on it, too. All these years, they have kept something vital from me. I just wish I knew what. I don’t even know if I have the right to be upset with them. They might have a good reason. No, I push that thought away. I deserve the truth.
When Logan comes up behind us with bags of Thai food, I open my mouth to ask him the question that’s been on my mind since I got here, but nothing comes out. I’ve been here since twelve. It’s now eight. I lost count of how many times I’ve attempted to voice my thoughts.
I force myself to stay calm. I don’t need to get into a fight with them right before they take off. They’ll be back in two weeks. I’ve waited six years to find out the truth to something I don’t even have the questions to, I can wait fourteen more days.
Standing up quicker than I thought was possible, I snatch the bags from my brother and sit back down. I didn’t even get a plate. I ignore Connor’s jab and dig into my food. After shoveling half of my Pad-see-ew into my mouth, I glance up to see my brother and Connor watching me.
“When’s the last time you ate?” Logan asks, voice full of concern.
“Eh . . . This morning?” I hate that it comes out a question. And hate even more that I feel like I can’t trust them. I know they won’t tell me, I need to remember on my own. Their eyes narrow.
“Relax. I was busy. I’m eating now.” I don’t mention that I was busy forcing myself to remember something that I’ve chosen to forget. I went for a swim, hoping the water would relax my mind enough for me to latch onto my memories. No luck.
Lowering his food, Logan studies me. “Are you sure you’re okay? You can always meet us out there.”
“Yes! I’ll book your flight now.” Connor plucks his phone off the table.
“No!” I force myself to relax.
If I react, they’ll continue in this pointless charade until I agree to go. Which I can’t afford to do at the moment. I won’t be able to keep my thoughts to myself. I’ll lash out at them, and possibly ruin their meeting because they’ll be concentrating on me.
“Ada—” Logan starts, but I cut him off.
“No. I’m fine really.”
This isn’t their fault. They weren’t the ones that chose to forget, I did. Heck, they might not even know. There’s a lot they don’t know about Jax and me. As much as I want to believe that, I can’t. It’s a gut feeling that I can’t ignore.
“I have bad days more than good days, but I can honestly say I’m going to be okay. I haven’t been able to say that since the accident and actually mean it. I’m okay, Logan.”
Logan doesn’t respond for so long I panic. I can see how much of a struggle this is for him. He’s used to telling me what to do and I go with it, always wanting to make his life easier and not really caring what I do.
I care now. I’m taking charge of my life.
“Okay,” Logan says with a wary smile.
“Okay,” I repeat.
The rest of the evening passes in a blur. My phone beeps with a new text message, I ignore it. I want to spend the evening with them, without interruptions. Which is hard since I have to keep reminding myself to focus on them instead of my missing memory. No matter how much I try, I can’t get Jax out of my head. Ironic, the one thing I want to remember involves the one person I want to forget.
Pushing back the thoughts about Jax, I listen to their conversation.
“Yeah. I have everything taken care of. Relax, Logan. Not my first time,” Connor tells my brother.
“Sorry man. This is just—”
“I know,” Connor says with a grin.
I tune them out again as they talk about business. The two of them can get lost in their own conversation for ages. Forcing my thoughts away from Jax, I think of Kohen instead.
I can understand to a point why he gets mad, but I’m not going to make excuses for him anymore. He might not be fully aware of what he’s doing when he’s upset, but he needs help. I can’t be with him if he keeps lashing out at me. I’m finally living again and I won’t live under his shadow.
I don’t want to give up on him . . . not yet. Even though he has his issues, he’s a good person. He’s the only one not keeping secrets from me. He’s the only one I can fully trust. I have to offer him the benefit of the doubt, and give him room to change. He and I will work. For a few seconds, I wonder if I’m trying to convince myself or if I actually believe it.