Spring break arrives and Kendall, Shelby, and I board the large ship that will be our address for the next five days. I’d been reluctant to go on the cruise, partly because the idea of being on a boat, surrounded by water—really, really deep water that we aren’t made to survive in—haunts my nightmares. My even bigger deterrent to going is leaving Max for five days, as lame and dependent as that sounds. The latter however, is actually the reason I finally gave in and decided I’d go. The fact that I was allowing my relationship to affect my decisions freaked me out; no other person has ever affected me the same way Max has. The fact of the matter is it scares the hell out of me. I’ve officially stalked, done crazy, been jealous, craved, and felt insane. It has me starting to slowly ask myself if Max is my other half? My soul mate, according to my own algorithm.
We board and receive an introduction and tour before we’re escorted to our room. Three girls in one room hadn’t seemed all that daunting to me when we were planning the trip, I’ve been on multiple trips to Texas in the back of a minivan with my four older sisters, cramped for space and fighting over whose turn it was to pick the radio station, which direction the air vents blew, and who was crossing who’s invisible boundary lines; I knew this would be a cake walk compared to those two-day road trips.
“Alright, I say we get our nails done and then spend some time at the pool,” Shelby says, opening her suitcase and pulling out a tangle of swimsuit pieces.
My mind immediately travels to Max, wondering what he’s doing right now. I pick up my phone to send a text before we leave, not certain how far out we’ll have coverage.
Me: We made it! There’s an awful lot of water ;) love you!
Max: I already miss u. I love u babe.
Me too. His words hit me squarely in the chest, and I feel both elated and homesick at the same time, wishing I could feel Max beside me.
Me: You’ll be having way too much fun to miss me. We’re about to leave the port. I’ll see you Saturday, xoxoxoxoxo LOVE YOU!
Max: Not possible. Have fun! I’ll b counting down the hours til Sat.
“No more lover boy. Let’s go.” Shelby whines. Her tone sends a small fissure of annoyance through me that I work to suppress as I follow them through the maze of doors and stairs until we reach the mall.
My fingernails and toenails glow bright pink—Feisty Flamingo Pink. Kendall seems aware of my tension and orders three Sex on the Beaches, a drink with a horrible name, but delicious taste. The combination of the vodka and my pink nails improves my mood significantly. I’m even joining in the conversation and listening to the itinerary of events, feeling excited for the first time about this trip.
We head out to the pool and I claim a chair under a large umbrella and crack open one of the two books I’d brought along.
After dinner we return to the pool area where Shelby tirelessly flirts with a guy that looks old enough to be our father, possibly grandfather. I try to not roll my eyes as she giggles for the thousandth time.
“Gosh, I’m feeling exhausted.” Kendall sighs, running a hand through her blond waves. “Shelby, we’re going to go head down to the deck, and hang out a while.”
Shelby hardly acknowledges our departure, and I wonder if it’ll be just Kendall and I in the room tonight.
“How are you feeling out here?”
I look out over the railing only fifteen feet away from the stretch of black that is the Pacific Ocean and give her a half smile, shaking my head. “It’s a little overwhelming.”
Kendall smiles warmly and reaches forward to rest her hand on mine. She lifts her chin to look out into the abyss. The setting sun sends warm orange shadows across her face, and I lean back and watch her. My sister who is so beautiful suddenly looks so womanly. How did this happen? Where did time go? It seems like it was only yesterday that we were trampling around the house in Mom’s high heels five sizes too big for us, decked out with all of our Pretty Pretty Princess bling.
“Are you sad Max isn’t here?” Her question brings me out of my nostalgic mental home video, and I look over to see her crystal blue eyes staring back at me.
I give a small smile then move my hand so I hold hers. “A little,” I admit. “But I’m really glad I’m here with you. I was just thinking how crazy it is that we’re in our twenties now.”
“I know. Mindi is about to be thirty!”
“Yeah, but she’s always been old.”
Kendall throws her head back and laughs, squeezing my hand. “She’d kill you!”
“Why do you think I waited to say it until we were out in the middle of the ocean?”
Kendall laughs again, leaning her head forward on my shoulder. When her laugh quiets, she leaves her head resting against mine and reaches around me with both arms.
“So did Max tell you?”
“Tell me what?” I ask, watching as the sun lowers further into the ocean.
“I’m going to move into the house at the beginning of the summer.” I feel my eyebrows rise as I turn to look at her, and she nods at my silent question.
“I’m going to have to teach Landon how to do his laundry.” Kendall grins at me. “But I think we’re ready for this. I’m sure you think we’re moving a little fast, but I really love him, and I want to be with him. I think it will be a good step toward knowing what will come of our relationship.”
I nod a few times, trying to sort my words. “As long as you’re happy.” I study her face as it brightens into a smile, as though my blessing means something significant.
“I love you too, Ace.”
I wrap my arms around her and squeeze tight. “I love you too.”
Kendall and I are tucked in our bed when Shelby arrives. It’s sometime in the early morning based on the glow from our window, but our alarm clock seems to have been unplugged so I have no idea what time it is. I’ve been awake most of the night missing Max and dying of heat. Occasionally I’m tired enough that I can almost feel Max beside me, hear his soft breathing against my neck, but Kendall moves and wiggles so much my delusions don’t last long. I’d stolen one of his T-shirts to sleep in. The warm scent is comforting and familiar, but also serves to make me more homesick.
I don’t know how much time passes from the time I finally fall asleep to the time I wake up again, but it feels like it’s only been a couple of hours. My entire body is sticky with heat. I lift my head to look at Kendall and Shelby who are both still asleep.
Carefully crawling over Kendall, I head to the restroom. I’m engulfed with darkness as the door swings shut behind me, sending a small chill of terror through me. I reach for the door again and push it open. The sunshine reveals the light switch that I flip several times before accepting it’s not turning on.
I go to my bag and hastily pull on clothes before I check the time on my phone charging on the nightstand.
The light indicating it’s plugged in isn’t on. My eyes and fingers follow my power cord to the base of the lamp and see it’s securely in place. I reach for the lamp, flipping the switch twice and then dropping to the cord of the alarm clock when it doesn’t turn on, still wanting something to disprove what’s quickly gone from a suspicion into a realization. It’s plugged in behind the night stand along with the lamp. A long sigh has my shoulders sagging.