My bag falls to the floor as I go to wrap my arms around him. “You’re the best.”
Max presses a kiss to my temple and I feel his smile against my skin. “Where’s Kendall?”
“She went to bed. We’re tired.”
The three of us sprawl out on the couch and dig into the bags of street tacos. Food has never tasted so good.
“I guess the bonus is that you got really tan.” Landon smiles hopefully at me.
“Forget the tan. The last three days were hell. I don’t want to discuss a silver lining right now.” I tuck myself into Max’s side and fall asleep within seconds, feeling complete and relaxed.
Max’s phone ringing wakes us both up the following morning. I feel like I could sleep another five days.
I hear Max grunt a greeting into the phone as his arm snakes around my waist and pulls me closer to him, making me groan in protest as I hear Wes’s happy tone on the other end inviting Max to go hang out.
“No, not today. Sorry, dude, I’m hanging out with Ace today, or the Venezuelan posing as my girlfriend.” He chuckles at his own joke, and I glare at him before lifting the duvet over my head and snuggling closer to his warmth.
As Max wraps up his call with Wes there’s a loud knocking on the door, earning another groan from me as I pull the duvet off and glare toward it.
“Wakey, wakey!” Jameson calls, opening the door before either of us grant him permission. “Hey, get your lazy asses out of bed. We’re going to breakfast.”
Max laughs an acceptance as I scrub at my eyes, trying to will the sleep from them.
“I don’t think I’ll ever be able to eat a crab cake again.” Kendall groans as we pour over our menus.
“You and me both,” I mutter.
“That’s alright. I haven’t been able to touch seafood in over a year,” Jameson shares. I watch him with mild interest as he fishes an ice cube out of his water.
“So only a couple of months left until summer. What are we going to do?” Landon asks, throwing a sugar packet at Jameson in retaliation for flicking the ice cube at him.
“Ace is going to need to hide.” Kendall turns her eyes to me. “Mom is going to freak out that you still haven’t declared a major. She was a little crazed when you decided to take that poetry course.” I feel the daunting wave of the future roll over us as I shoot her a look to shut up. The last thing I want to discuss this morning is my lack of a future plan.
“Why don’t you just move in too?” Jameson suggests.
I feel my eyebrows shoot to my hairline as I look at him dumbfounded. The sleepiness that’s been lingering over me like a shadow instantly vaporizes. I turn to see Max staring at me with a calculated expression.
“You could. We spend most of our time there anyways. It’s closer to the campus and you wouldn’t have to constantly be going back and forth getting things.”
“I don’t know,” I quietly murmur, suddenly exerting far too much attention to my coffee as I add cream to it.
Jameson’s need to flick more ice cubes across the table is a distraction, but I can feel that this discussion isn’t over.
I lie in bed beside Max, my exhaustion covers me like a lead weight, but I’m having a difficult time allowing it to win over my racing thoughts.
I’m twenty. I want to travel and experience life. I have a difficult time choosing a major because I don’t know what I want to do. All I’m certain of is that I want to make a difference and in some way improve the world and people’s lives. How am I going to explore the world and life if I move in with my boyfriend at twenty? And then what? Will we get married? Will I be twenty-two, married, and pregnant? Is that what I want? My heart thrums in my chest as my eyes dart around the room, noticing the stacks of my books and clothes that clutter so many surfaces now. I have a section of his closet and a few designated drawers. I have tampons in his bathroom.
My eyes land on Max as he sleeps beside me and fall upon his finger exposing his tattoo. How did this happen without me even realizing it? I can’t do this. I’m not ready for this.
I sneak out of bed and wander through the room, gathering my things and shoving what I can into my duffel. Grabbing a few more things in my arms, I quietly head to the bedroom door and back to my apartment.
Pacing through the apartment, I rake my hands through my hair as I try to understand the rush of emotions constricting my chest. My breathing turns labored. I’m having my first panic attack.
A forceful knocking wakes me. My heart thrums and I know without asking that it’s Max.
I slowly open the door, exposing Max in a pair of cargo shorts and T-shirt, his eyes wide and wild. “Where’d you go? What’s going on?”
“What do you mean?”
“What do I mean?” Max rears his head back as though I’ve slapped him. “I wake up and you’re gone and half your shit is missing. What’s going on?”
“I just …” A heavy sigh seeps through the air between us. “I can’t do this, Max. I just need some space.”
“Can’t do what?” he asks, his eyes dancing over my face with a pleading expression.
“I just need some time. I think we’re going too fast.”
“Ace, you don’t have to move in. It was just a suggestion. Forget about it.”
I shake my head a few times, dropping my eyes to the floor.
“You said you loved me.”
“I do, Max, but—”
“No, Ace. There aren’t buts in love. You either do or you don’t. Love isn’t a conditional thing. I’m not going to do this. My dad walked out on me, and I’m not doing this again. If you’re done, then that’s it. I’m not going to chase after you and wait.” I chance a glance at him and see his eyes filled with anger and hurt.
“I’m only twenty—”
“Jesus Christ, I know how old you are!” His hand runs through his hair as he releases a deep breath and shakes his head, his eyes focusing on the ceiling. “This isn’t a fucking game. I’m done chasing you. I don’t want to hear from you. I don’t want you contacting me. I’m done.”
He turns to leave and I don’t move to stop him as the door slams behind him.
My heart now beats violently in my chest that feels much too small for how large both my lungs and heart are in this moment. What have I just done?
Kendall arrives as I’m scrubbing my kitchen floor clean trying to think of how I can resolve this. There has to be a way. I don’t know how to handle this, though. The times that I’ve seen Max upset it was never like this, never at me. Because of me.
“What happened?” she asks.
I shake my head, not sure of where to even begin. “I freaked out … I am freaking out. I don’t know what to do,” I admit. “I feel like everything’s moving too fast. I just need things to slow down a little, but Max thinks that me wanting things to slow down means that I don’t love him and he compared it to his dad.”
Kendall leans against the counter beside me. I can’t read her expression, too many thoughts are crossing my own mind for me to focus. “How did things leave off?”
“I don’t know.” My eyes grow wide as I hear his words replay through my head.
“Ace, you need to talk to him. What are you doing here?” I don’t have to look to see the disappointment. I can hear it in her voice.
“I’m trying to give him some space to let him think about things. He was really angry when he left.”
“What did he say?”
Tears clog my throat as I relive the words. “He said that he’s done.”
Kendall drops beside me and pulls me into her. “He didn’t mean it, Ace. It was just out of anger and hurt.”
After explaining the morning to my sister, she encourages me to get changed and go back over so that I can explain things to Max.