“After I’ve done my spot, I’d like to go out for a drink. What about you, Kim? If you want to watch me onstage, go up to the lighting box and ask the guy in there to let you watch. Or would you rather wait here?”
“No, I’ll watch.”
Although I enjoyed being around Maria and the other Filipino dancers, chatting with them in English and swapping funny stories, felt out of place when I was alone with all those women dressed only in their underwear, half sitting, half kneeling, sprawled out on the floor.
Anyway, they were probably thinking I was out of place, too, just a kid.
Maria stubbed out a cigarette in her black ceramic ashtray and began to change into a long, white dress with a back slit running all the way up to her ass. I watched her from the corner of my eye as I moved toward the dressing room door. As I waited for Maria’s turn onstage, I began to get excited—like I was the one who was going on, not her.
Of all the women milling around in the dressing room, for me she was the only one who had the ability to create a really horny atmosphere onstage. She was the only one who could drive the men wild with lust.
Watching Maria onstage, swaying to the sound of blues music and spreading her legs, I was overwhelmed by the sheer presence of her pussy. Sometimes I sold mine cheap; the pitiful thing between my legs was nothing compared with Maria’s—mine could never be art. Sometimes I wallowed in self-pity just thinking about it, but then I would remember the graffiti Spoon had sprayed on our bathroom walclass="underline" PUSSY IS GOD!!!
Maria came back onstage wearing nothing but high heels and a soft hat. Her supple body writhing slowly, she began her masturbation routine. Her expression was one of ecstasy, but underneath she was completely cool. I wondered what it must be like to be able to perform like that in bed. Not to be absorbed in my own feelings, but to drive a man to ecstasy. I wanted to drive the cool look out of Spoon’s eyes with my own private peep show. I wanted to perform just for him, and like Maria did onstage, I wanted to push him away when he came close to me. I started to get hot with anticipation, just thinking about the next time we would make love. But I was always the one to lose myself first, and I was always the one to cry out, “I want you!”
We were beginning to get too used to each other, me and Spoon. I was always left with a sense of sweet defeat after we made love. Watching Maria perform was similar to the way I used to study for exams in the days when I still had some small hope for the future. Each time I was sure that this time I was going to get a good grade. But for some reason I was always so nervous when I saw the exam that my hands would shake so badly I couldn’t even hold a pencil. And then my confidence would take another blow when the graded tests were returned.
“Spoon? You’ve picked a guy with a strange name this time. Is that his nickname?”
We were sitting at a nearby bar. Maria took a cigarette from her gold cigarette case and lit up. She carried the cigarette case with her everywhere, filling it from a can of Peace cigarettes.
“Has he got a good body, this guy?”
I looked up at her nervously—she seemed to have read my mind.
She looked at me, smiling, from beneath the brim of the soft, black hat she used for her show.
“Are you going to ask me to make love to this one, too?”
I grimaced involuntarily. Which wasn’t like me. Whenever I wanted a relationship with a man, I always asked her to get involved with him, too. I would have been too frightened otherwise. I’d run to her for help whenever I thought I’d found the real thing. I knew I was a bad girl, really bold, but I also knew I was a coward.
Maria always had the same quick response.
“Well, I can’t.”
But then she would add, “Of course, if you only need help in bed, that’s no problem.”
And so I would ask her to do it. It always gave me the sense of security I needed before I could love a man, but it also made me feel a little freaky to depend on her this way.
When she said it this time, though, my response surprised even me.
“Oh, my God! I’ve never seen you look at me like that before! Does this mean you won’t be needing me this time?”
“I don’t know. I’m confused. Usually whatever you say calms me down like some kind of tranquilizer, but for some reason I feel nervous this time. I don’t know what’s wrong….”
“Well, girl, something tells me this is different—you can’t even imagine me going to bed with this one, can you?”
Sure, I could imagine it. I could imagine Spoon leaving bite marks all over another woman’s body the same way he did with me. But then I felt hot tears rolling down my cheeks. I was crying!
Maria brushed away my tears with her finger.
“What’s all this? Crying with jealousy over something that’s only in your imagination? Aren’t you the sweetest thing! Come on now, Kim, don’t cry—it’s just a waste of time. Nothing has actually happened, right? Listen, why don’t you tell me about this guy, huh? I’m really interested. Hell, if he can do this to you…”
“He’s run away from the navy.”
“You mean he’s UA? A deserter?”
I nodded. I knew it meant I would lose him someday. He would be taken away, put in jail on the base, and then sent back to the U.S. And if he was, would I follow him, go all the way to America for him? I couldn’t say. But what if I did, and then waited for his release, what then? If he was just UA, it wasn’t really such a big deal—he’d probably just get kicked out of the navy. Then he could get a job, get married and have kids, and settle down with a family. Damn! What was I thinking?
I couldn’t imagine Spoon as a father! No way! How could his hands ever change from groping at my pussy to stroking a baby’s head?!
“Jesus.” I sighed.
“It seems to me like you’ve picked a guy with a lot of problems. He’s a sailor, right? He’s also a deserter. The next thing you know, he’ll be living off of you.”
“Don’t say that. He’s nothing like that. He’s not weak that way.”
“Is he the kind of guy who makes you feel like he’s a part of you?”
“Yeah. I don’t know how, but he does.”
“Well, you stop worrying about what might happen then. The reason I asked if you feel like he’s a part of you is ’cause that’s the most important thing. You should be thinking about how you can keep what you’ve got—that’ll put some sparkle back in your eyes.”
I felt relieved. “Thanks, Maria. I love you.”
“Who do you love the most? Me or Spoon?”
I was completely lost for words. For some reason I suddenly felt nervous. Maria raised her glass of gin to her lips and smiled. It was sort of a friendly little smile that didn’t suit her beautiful face at all.
“I’m only joking! I just love to see the look on your face when you’re confused.”
She downed the gin in a single gulp, pulled on her black gloves, and stood up,
“Well, I’d better get ready for my next spot. So, anyway, you won’t be needing any ‘advice’ from me this time, right?”
“I’m not sure… I might need—”
She just stood up, picked up the check, and left the bar. It was like she hadn’t even heard me.
I was confused. My heart was pounding and I put my hand up to my chest to calm myself down. I had never felt so alone. It felt like the dice had been rolled and the game had already begun. But I’d never played a game as serious as this before. I picked one of Maria’s cigarette stubs out of the ashtray, lit it, and inhaled hard. This brought on a violent fit of coughing; Maria’s cigarettes were much stronger than what I was used to.
What the hell was going on? I was only living with him after all. ft was ridiculous to get so serious about it. Absolutely ridiculous.