And so Coco and Jesse were left alone together.
Coco’s friends were all very interested to see what would V happen, and one by one they came to visit her to see how she was coping. Like Coco, they had never had anything to do with kids before, so they called in regularly. It was like taking a trip to the circus.
For his part, Jesse made no attempt to get along with Coco, and apart from when it was absolutely necessary, he hardly spoke to her at all. He sat in a corner of the apartment like a caged animal, listening to his music.
Coco decided that the least she could do was feed him. After her workday was over, she still had to go shopping and then cook when she got home. One day, Coco was expecting her friend Kay to drop by, so she started cooking a roast. As the wonderful smell of the beef roasting in the oven filled the apartment, Coco began to feel blue, sad that Rick wasn’t there to share it with them and sad that the roast would disappear without him ever seeing it.
Coco missed Rick. When people care for each other, she thought, they want to talk to each other about their thoughts and feelings, and about the things that happen to them each day. But when there’s no one there to listen, when you can’t tell them those things, that’s when you start to feel lonely.
Coco had only spent the weekends with Rick, but now weekends were no longer enough. Until now, she had never met a guy she wanted to spend much time with. She had no desire to share activities like brushing teeth, taking an afternoon nap, or shopping for clothes. The guys she went out with always brushed their teeth before their dates with her. And they always picked out their own clothes. Seeing Rick wandering around the apartment with a toothbrush hanging out of the corner of his mouth was an entirely new experience for Coco, and there was no difference for her between his brushing his teeth and their making love—they were both as important. So did this mean that sex and brushing your teeth were more or less the same kind of thing? Coco blushed at the thought. Since Rick had been away, she had nearly made the decision to give up her apartment and move in with him.
“Coco!”
The sound of Jesse’s voice brought her out of her reverie.
“What are you making?”
“Roast beef,” she replied.
“Oh, okay…” he mumbled.
Roast beef was Jesse’s favorite. This was the first time in her life that Coco had ever considered cooking to please someone. She had begun to make something every day that Jesse would like. When Rick was there she didn’t need to make any effort—as far as he was concerned, whatever Coco made was the most delicious meal he had ever eaten. Even if she served up a burned omelet, Rick would wolf it down greedily, as though it were his last meal. As only a father can, he also made sure that Jesse ate it, too. But now Coco didn’t have Rick to depend on.
“I’m going out for a hamburger,” Jesse announced.
She was washing vegetables, and she froze at his words.
“I need some money.”
She felt as though the whole world was turning black before her.
There was a long pause, but she finally managed to find her voice.
“Why?”
“I want a cheeseburger, that’s why.”
Coco tried to control her anger, but she couldn’t stop her hands from shaking as she took a five-dollar bill from her purse.
“My mama’s a great cook,” said Jesse, blowing a bubble with his gum and popping it.
“What sort of thing does she make for you?” asked Coco, her voice shaking, too.
“Raw eggs and rice,” came the reply.
Coco turned back toward Jesse and threw the money at him. Grinning, he bent down, picked it up from the floor, and walked out the door.
Coco opened the oven door, took the meat, and threw it angrily into the garbage can, beef juices splashing all over her and the kitchen. As she wiped her face, she wondered what the hell she had done to deserve Jesse—she couldn’t believe that anyone would want to hurt her so much all of the time.
The doorbell rang. It was Kay.
“Hey, what’s going on? The meat do something bad?”
Coco slumped down into a chair and put her head in her hands. She still had grease all over her fingers, and now there were bits of meat and fat all over her face and in her hair, too.
“What the hell have I done?” she wailed in despair. She suddenly realized that nobody had ever insulted her the way Jesse had, and as the anger welled up inside her, she started to cry.
“What is it? What’s wrong?” asked Kay, rushing over to put her arm around Coco’s shoulders.
Sobbing, Coco told her about the way she was looking after Jesse and trying to cook him something he would like, but how every night he would take great delight in upsetting her, making her feel used, grinding her feelings into the ground.
“He’s a child. What do you expect?” said Kay, wiping the table a paper napkin to mop up some of the gravy.
A child? Fuck! Was that the way children behaved? Is that what they were really like?
Coco felt like she was going to explode. There was nothing special about cooking for someone. People did it every day. But not Coco. It wasn’t in her nature to cook for someone else.
“I don’t want to try to be his mother. He’s Rick’s kid. I’m just trying to feed the little bastard.”
“But that was your choice,” said Kay matter-of-factly.
Coco was dumbstruck. She couldn’t say anything. Kay was right. If she wanted to live with Rick, she had to accept that Jesse was part of the deal.
“Of course, I don’t know much about this shit, but aren’t kids just like that anyway? Don’t they do whatever they want without thinking about it first? And especially a kid like Jesse, who has never had a mother to teach him right from wrong. But you know, everybody’s asking the same question, girl. Why are you sticking with this guy? I mean, he’s got a kid and all. And when did you start being his maid? Come on now, tell me the truth. What are you doing? Is it curiosity? Are you just doing it to be nice or what? Guys like him with a kid in tow—can he really be all that special?”
Coco didn’t know how to put her feelings for Rick into words. She had never been in love like this before and she couldn’t explain it. She was confused. When it was just sex, she found that relationships with men were very easy. But when they started to become a part of everyday life, things were much too difficult. Of course there was sex in everyday life, too; the hard part was learning to deal with the toothbrush side of things.
“You’re just not used to kids. That’s all it is,” said Kay.
She was trying desperately to lift Coco’s spirits. Kay and Coco had been close for many years now, sharing their deepest secrets with each other, and now that they were adults there was little need to talk about the details. Kay just understood. Kay could sense that for whatever reason, Coco was falling deeply in love with Rick. Coco wouldn’t admit it, of course. It was too embarrassing for her.
“I think I’m just feeling uptight,” said Coco. “I’m sorry.”
“Hey, I know you’re in love with Rick, okay? But what about the kid? What are you going to do about him? If you don’t think you can put up with him, you shouldn’t let yourself get in too deep.”
“Okay, I admit it—I don’t like Jesse. For one thing, he’s not mine.
His mother is some woman that Rick was in love with before me. Even worse, he’s living proof that Rick screwed her. But Jesse’s mother has dumped him, so if I care for Rick, I’ve got to accept that boy, too. Right now all I want to do is make Rick happy. I love telling him jokes and making him laugh, and I love teaching him stuff he doesn’t know. I love giving him a good time in bed, and, really, looking after Jesse is just another part of that—it’s just something I have to do.”