The following came next:
Frau Mahlke: “Should the lady of your heart be the domestic type?”
Herr Schramm: “What does that mean?”
Frau Mahlke: “Would you prefer someone who likes to stay at home, or someone who can join in outdoor activities with you?”
Herr Schramm: “I was an army officer, but I don’t get an officer’s pension.”
Frau Mahlke: “Meaning?”
Herr Schramm: “Meaning I have to work on the black market in the daytime. But don’t write it down just like that. Say I don’t mind what she does during the day, but I’d like her to be at home in the evening.”
Frau Mahlke: “Speaking of work, would you like the lady to have a career?”
Herr Schramm: “I don’t mind.”
Frau Mahlke: “Do you have any hobbies, Herr Schramm?”
Herr Schramm: “I’ve thought of something else to do with the last question.”
Frau Mahlke: “Yes?”
Herr Schramm: “Well, if she does have a job then I’d like that, if she’s happy with it too. Do you see what I mean?”
Frau Mahlke: “I think so.”
Herr Schramm: “It’s very important. Are you happy with your own work, Frau Mahlke?”
Frau Mahlke: “I meet a great many interesting people.”
Herr Schramm: “There you are, then. Ski-jumping and bats.”
Frau Mahlke: “What?”
Herr Schramm: “My hobbies. But I don’t do any ski-jumping myself. Do you know Jens Weissflog?”
Frau Mahlke: “He was that ski-jumper, wasn’t he?”
Herr Schramm: “Not just that ski-jumper, he was the ski-jumper. If there’s a category for it, please put: ‘Would like one who has no objection to ski-jumping.’”
Frau Mahlke: “All right. Under Miscellaneous, maybe. Let’s move on to something else. Do you wish for physical closeness?”
Herr Schramm: “Er. If it happens, if we like each other, I wouldn’t say no.”
Frau Mahlke: “Do you drink alcohol?”
Herr Schramm: “I do drink alcohol, yes.”
Frau Mahlke: “Do you drink more than two glasses a day?”
Herr Schramm: “Two glasses of what?”
Frau Mahlke laughs: “You see, I recently had a gentleman who, well, who liked to drink alcohol very much.”
Herr Schramm: “I like it very much too.”
Frau Mahlke: “Right.”
Herr Schramm: “Yes.”
Frau Mahlke: “Should she drink alcohol as well?”
Herr Schramm: “With me, yes.”
Frau Mahlke: “That’s fine too.”
Herr Schramm: “Yes.”
Frau Mahlke: “There was that Four Skills ski-jumping tournament, I watched that with my son when he was still small, he liked it.”
Herr Schramm: “Four Hills tournament.”
Frau Mahlke: “What?”
Herr Schramm: “Are you married, Frau Mahlke?”
Frau Mahlke: “Not now — how about housework?”
Herr Schramm: “I’ve been doing it myself for ages. That’s no problem.”
Frau Mahlke: “I believe you. But it all depends on your expectations. What do you expect of a woman, and what can she expect of you?”
Herr Schramm: “Could I perhaps mention that I don’t like ironing?”
Frau Mahlke: “We could say: shared work around the house ideal.”
Herr Schramm: “Shared? Good. Shared sounds good.”
Frau Mahlke: “A foreign lady?”
Herr Schramm: “No.”
Frau Mahlke: “Right. Should we concentrate on candidates from this part of the country?”
Herr Schramm: “Well, if there was anyone here I’d know. I can show her everything. And please write that it’s lovely here but not as lovely as some other places.”
Frau Mahlke: “I really like ironing myself.”
Herr Schramm: “I see.”
Frau Mahlke: “How about children? Should the lady have children?”
Herr Schramm: “If they’ve left home then I don’t mind.”
Frau Mahlke: “Right. How would you define yourself politically, Herr Schramm?”
Herr Schramm: “Protest voter.”
Frau Mahlke: “And what kind of political attitude should the lady have?”
Herr Schramm: “FDP.”
Frau Mahlke: “The Free Democratic Party? Ah. — Driving license?”
Herr Schramm: “You can’t manage without one here.”
Frau Mahlke: “Right.”
Herr Schramm: “That bit about the FDP was a joke. And about the lady — you keep saying: the lady. She doesn’t have to be a lady, that’s really not necessary.”
Later, Frau Mahlke and Herr Schramm were sitting outside the butcher’s shop in the sunset, but Frau Mahlke didn’t want anything to eat; she was wearing her sunglasses propped in her hair in spite of the sunlight, and Herr Schramm thought: maybe that’s because her eyes look all right, they’re well worth showing without sunglasses, and he told her so, he put his meatballs on his plate and said, “Frau Mahlke, it’s quite all right that you’re not wearing your sunglasses. Because of your eyes. Because they really look good the way they are.”
And then Frau Mahlke decided to try the meatballs after all, just a little bit of one, and later Herr Schramm signed the agreement, and Frau Mahlke shook hands with him and drove back to Berlin with the sunset in her rearview mirror.
Herr Schramm got into the rowing boat and went out on the lake, alone this time. An edgy character, Herr Schramm. Face like the sole of a boot. Firm and leathery and scarred. Bright white hair, the kind of white ex-soldiers get from stress, thin and sparse. He was smoking. He had smoked a lot that day — it’s two months ago now. We’re not surprised that the representative from the dating agency didn’t ask any questions about smoking. Herr Schramm smoked, and made up his mind to stop, let himself drift until the light was only an idea of the gleam in Frau Mahlke’s eyes as she ate the meatball.
KRONE, BUTCHER’S SHOP AND CAFÉ—LUNCH
Monday: roast meat and gravy (€4.40)
Tuesday: loin of pork with sauerkraut (€4.40)
Wednesday: meatballs (€3.90)
Thursday: sausages wrapped in bacon (€4.40)
Friday: roast meat and gravy (€4.40)
Saturday (Feast Special): grill behind the shop
IN THE YEAR OF OUR LORD 1589, AT THE TIME OF the Anna Feast, it so happened that the Inn-Keeper here, Ulrich Ramelow, lost his Wife, and got Another in her Stead, a Woman that he did not desire to keep. Folk said that Mine Host had not entirely understood the Warning given him, not to serve his Guests bad Beer, for he had brew’d another Draft at the Anna Feast such as caus’d those who partook of it Grave Incommodity, and it was of a Vile Flavor into the Bargain.
So now the Inn-Keeper had that strange Female in his House, and could not find his own Wife any Where. The Woman told him roundly that he must endure her to keep Company with him, nor think of making any Complaint to the Mayor, for if he did so he would put her Person and his Own, and above all the Person of his dear Wife, in even greater Danger than was the Present Case. His Horses, she also informed him, were Well and throve exceedingly.
Our Inn-Keeper knew not What to do, but the Reason for his Plight was, that until he brewed Decent Beer he should not have a Decent Woman. For the Newcomer was a Sloven who thought Nothing of God and His Word, or of the Holy Sacrament, and she was much given to Cursing and Blaspheming, and moreover had a Vile Stench about her.
The Inn-Keeper resign’d himself to his Lot, so that his Wife and his Horses should come to No Harm, and he also swore to brew bad Beer no more. Before he next brewed Beer, none the less, the Sloven had done great Harm to his Name and his Inn. She plagu’d Ramelow mightily with her Desires and her Commands, and all but impoverish’d him. Furthermore she caus’d all Manner of Riffraff, Foreigners and Scoundrels to frequent the Inn, for hardly an Honest Man would show his Face there. There was much Wrangling and Strife among the Guests, who oft came to Fisticuffs for the Favors of that Woman, who made very free with her Charms.