Well, now I felt like an ass. It wasn’t like he was pinching my nipples to the point of them falling off, I just didn’t want to go upstairs with him. Fuck me.
“I’m sorry, Jett. I just didn’t—”
“Don’t,” he interrupted me and pulled me in even closer. “When you first came here, Kace told me you were different, that you needed more than a physical connection, that you needed an emotional one and I knew that going into this. I just chose to ignore that because I’m a selfish prick but I can see that he was right, you do need that aspect of being with someone. I don’t do emotions. I’m a fucked-up bastard who has a problem with showing his emotions for many reasons that I won’t get into so it’s hard for me to give you what you need. I don’t know if I ever will be able to...” his voice trailed.
We both lay on my bed in silence as we thought about what was transpiring between us. I could feel him pulling away from me, not physically, no, he had a death grip on my torso but mentally, he was checking out and it was scaring the shit out of me.
“I don’t need it all the time, Jett. I just had some bad thoughts in my head and going to the Bourbon Room just wasn’t what I needed. I’m sorry.”
Why was I apologizing? I heard myself gripping on to any loose end that Jett would throw me and I hated the way my voice sounded, like a desperate woman trying to hang on. But wasn’t that what I was? I wanted Jett so fucking bad. There was this undeniable force that brought me to him and even though he says he’s an emotionless bastard, I still feel his pain. I didn’t want to lose anything we had and right now, it felt like he was minutes from cutting me loose by the way his silence continued. Panic set in.
“Talk to me,” I almost demanded. “Tell me what you need, Jett.”
He took a second to gather himself before he said, “You, Goldie. I just need you.”
My gut twisted. He was so vulnerable, I didn’t know what to say. When I tried turning around to face him, he wouldn’t let me so instead, I just let him hold me like I wanted but if I were honest, it almost felt like he needed more than anything to hold me at that moment, rather than me needing him.
Instead of talking, we stayed silent and lay in my bed. As Jett wrapped his body around me, my heart tore in two. I wanted this man, more than anything but was he really willing to give me everything? Was he able to give me not just his body but his mind, his soul as well? I wasn’t too sure and that realization made my stomach churn from the thought of not being able to keep Jett in my life.
Sleep eluded me as my brain worked overtime and when I woke up the next morning, Jett was nowhere to be found but there was a note on my table. Written in green marker, was a note from Jett.
I will be out of town for a while. Listen to Kace. – J
What the fuck?
Chapter Ten
“Wake Me Up”
Jett
Canal Street was lit up with lights and tourists exploring the real city of New Orleans. Palm trees flanked the middle of the street where the trolley breezed through. I loved this city. I loved the richness of it, the tradition, the history and the people. I wouldn’t want to be anywhere else.
I picked at the plate of gumbo that room service brought up to my suite. I wasn’t very hungry. I hadn’t been hungry since I left the club, since I practically gave myself over to Goldie.
She told me her safe word. Hearing her say that one little word nearly gutted me. I always considered myself to be a controlled man able to gauge people’s feelings, especially the women I brought up to the Bourbon Room but Goldie was different. She was a mystery to me most of the time.
She wanted things I couldn’t give her. She wanted a relationship, she wanted someone to hold her and be emotionally there for her but I was too broken after Natasha left me, after she told me I wasn’t good enough.
I’ve worked hard my entire life to be better than my dad, to do good with my money and to give my mom her one wish, to see me settle down with someone, to be taken care of by someone. Knowing that I failed my mom’s one wish was almost debilitating. I thought I found the woman I was going to spend the rest of my life with in Natasha but when she told me she wanted more, that I wasn’t good enough for her, I changed. She crushed my dreams, my mom’s dreams and I’ve never been the same since.
I’m a confident man in every aspect of my life besides holding on to a relationship, of being emotionally there for someone because how could I do that if I was so fucked up? All I would do is fuck up whoever was with me and that meant Goldie. I wanted nothing but good things for her. She deserved so much, so damn much.
“Did you really think you could hide forever, dickhead?”
Kace.
I turned around in my chair and saw Kace slip a room key into his pocket. The asshole must have fucked the lady at the front desk at one time or another because there was no way they would have given him a key otherwise.
“What the hell do you want?” I asked as I turned back around to stare down at Canal Street.
Heavy footsteps rang in the air as Kace approached me. He walked around the desk I was sitting at and sat on the sill of the window I was looking out of, blocking my view.
“What the fuck are you doing here, Jett?”
I turned away but Kace stopped my chair.
“Don’t fucking block me out,” Kace said, growing irritated with my child-like behavior.
I ran a hand through my hair as I said, “It’s getting too fucking serious. She wants too much from me.”
“You’re lucky you have an event tonight that’s fucking important because I am inches away from punching that dumb ass head of yours.”
I looked up at Kace, a little shocked. He was pissed…at me.
“Is that right?” I asked as I brushed off my pant leg, trying to keep calm.
“You’re a moron, you know that? You have a woman, waiting back at your club just dying for a little bit of your attention and instead of manning up, you’re hiding out like a fucking vagina stuck in a pair of crusty shit catchers.”
The man was one with words.
“Why do you care so much?”
“Because, if I was in your position, I would be fucking her every night and holding on to her until the morning. I would bury my head in her hair and inhale her sweet scent. I would revel in the way her soft body feels pressed up against mine and I wouldn’t ever let her out on that stage because I would want her to be only for me and me alone.”
My heart fucking seized as my hand reached out for Kace’s shirt when I stood up out of pure blind rage. I pinned him against the window and said, “You have no right to talk about Goldie like that.”
Laughing, Kace shook his head and said, “Why not? You have no claim over her. You treat her like every other girl at the club, you just pay extra attention to her but you have given her no reason to stay, no reason to not stray when she leaves which she will, I guarantee you that. You might have calmed the storm when you gave her a set but without you giving yourself over to her, fully, she’s not going to stay, man.”
I was still gripping his shirt but it was doing nothing, the man was scared of nothing.
I tossed my hand to the side and started pacing the length of the room.
“I can’t, Kace,” I stated softly.
“Don’t let your past dictate how you live your future,” he countered.
“I could say the same about you,” I stated as I put my hands on my hips and looked over at Kace.
“I’m different. I lost my life the same day the man in the bar lost his. I’m done, Jett. You know that. What I care about is seeing you get past your bullshit complex and really living life. One of us has to enjoy life and it sure as hell is not going to be me. Don’t throw away something good because you’re scared.”
“I’m not good enough. I’m not someone she can rely on.”
“That’s fucking donkey piss. You’re the best thing that has happened to that girl. You might be a giant ass but you treat her with respect, you take care of her and honestly, I think you might actually have feelings for her.