He yells into the receiver, “How fucking many?”
The pain in his voice breaks me. Something’s wrong—very wrong. I walk over to him, but he puts his hand up to stop me.
His entire body is shaking and his voice cracks when he asks, “Aaron?” A short pause. “Fuck! No …” The sound that comes from his chest tears through me. It’s a cry and a scream all mixed into one, and I’m sure it’s the worst thing I’ve ever heard. Immediately, tears begin to form in his eyes. I want to go to him, but he turns his back to me.
I start putting the pieces together. Aaron is his buddy that works for him. He was also on the mission in Afghanistan, the one where they lost friends. He was going to maybe handle something overseas? My hand covers my mouth as I start to draw conclusions.
His hands fist into his hair as he leans forward with his head against the wall. I pray this isn’t what I think it is. He can’t lose another friend.
Please, God, don’t do this to him.
“I can’t—” he says but stops as a tear falls from his eye. “No! I’ll call her. Get the fucking plans in motion. We leave tonight! I don’t give a shit what you have to do. Wake everyone—we’re wheels up in three hours.” His phone tumbles to the floor as he stands there with a vacant look.
Jackson’s chest is heaving with exaggerated breaths. Hesitantly, I take a step toward him.
“Jackson, what happened?” I ask quietly. He turns, eyes glistening with tears, but he doesn’t respond.
I watch as he crumples to the floor. Every part of his body is quivering. I rush over, wrapping my arms around him as he sobs. He’s breaking. My chest is cracking open watching the man I love fall apart. Tears fall with every strangled, broken sound that Jackson releases. All I can do is hold him close while he unloads his grief.
Chapter Twenty-Eight
“Talk to me. What happened?” I croon softly, not releasing my hold. “Hey.” I lift his face, trying to get him to look at me.
He shifts, pulling away from my embrace. I feel the loss everywhere and see the change as soon as he stands. He’s shutting down. Two steps forward, one step back. The mask of indifference has secured itself.
With eyes closed, he takes two deep breaths before speaking. “What happened?” Jackson asks sarcastically. He pushes the air from his lungs in frustration. “I’ll tell you what happened—I did it again!”
“Did what again?” I ask quietly.
He throws his hands in the air and begins to pace the room. “I fucking knew it.”
I start to approach him, trying to keep my tone calm. “I don’t understand. What did you know?”
Jackson stops moving. His eyes widen as if he forgot I was here. The harshness in his voice slices through me. “I’m no good for you.”
“Why would you say that?” His statement stuns me, especially since he just said he’d fight for me. What the hell happened on the phone to make him think this?
“Don’t you get it? Everyone I love dies!” Jackson approaches but stops. “I can’t let you be the next one. I’ll die before I let that happen.”
I’m lost. “Jackson, talk to me.” I place my hand on his arm, but he shoves it away. The rejection burns through my veins. “Don’t push me away. I’m trying to understand,” I urge him.
“I’m not pushing you away. I’m saving you!” he yells and walks over to grab his phone. “I won’t let it happen to you too!”
“Let what happen? You’re not making any sense!” I say to him as he heads toward the door. “Stop! Talk to me!” I beg him. He made me promise not to run but that’s exactly what he’s doing.
It’s like we’ve gone back to three days ago, only now I’m on the other side. He’s breaking and I can’t stop it. Desperate to get him to listen, I run in front of him, placing myself between him and the door and hoping it will stop him. His eyes are unfocused and void as the storm rages within him. He’s going to break my heart right here. The irony is not lost on me—I gave it to him only to have it shattered. My stomach churns as I see the truth of that reflected in his eyes. Whether I’m standing here or not, he’s walking out this door. I’ve already lost him.
His face is ashen as he chokes out the words. He’s speaking but not to me. “How many more tattoos do I have to get? Huh? How many ways do I have to mark my mistakes?” Jackson looks at me, desperation flashing across his face. “I’m protecting you, Catherine. I won’t let you love me.”
A tear cascades as the words fall out. “Too late.”
His eyes snap up at my admission and his nostrils flare. He quickly pushes forward. “Don’t! Don’t say that!” The muscles in his neck are pulsing with rage and frustration.
“I will say it because it’s true. What did you think was going to happen? I knew I was falling for you. Then you told me … you told me I was it for you! Don’t walk away. Don’t give up on us.”
Leaning close to my face, his warm breath washes over my cheek while my tears fall freely. Ever so slowly, his hand lifts. He gently removes a droplet of pain from my cheek only to have more follow in its path. His lips tenderly find purchase on my temple. “I’m not giving up. I’m giving you a chance.”
I refuse to move from the door. If he leaves, I’ll never get him back. I can’t lose him. My pulse is racing, but I stand strong. I have to do something to make him see me.
“Jackson, I love you! Give us a chance,” I beg him, praying he’ll listen to me.
His arms wrap around me, dispelling my fears and the breath I was holding. With my eyes closed, I take this moment, finding the tiniest bit of relief in it. He didn’t leave. I told him I loved him and he’s here, enveloping me in his warmth. I could stay in his arms forever. I feel his lips press against my forehead. When I look up into his eyes, hoping to see him recovered, the color drains from my face. There’s no love or recovery there, just determination. It rolls off him like thunder.
“No …” The strangled sound of my voice doesn’t register.
Jackson’s hold disappears along with my hope. With each step he takes, the floor falls a little further down, and my heart follows. He doesn’t stop or look back.
No.
His hand touches the handle and my breath hitches.
Please don’t do this.
I want to tell him, but the words won’t come out!
Dammit, Jackson, stop!
“Jackson.” I say his name like a prayer.
He stops but doesn’t turn as his hands clench the door jam. “You said I shouldn’t run.” The pain lances through me, fueling my anger to flames. “You lied to me! You’re doing what you promised you wouldn’t—leave.” Still he says nothing, so I step toward him. “Fine. Be a coward! Go! Walk away just like they all do.”
His hands drop but he doesn’t turn. Shoulders slumped, defeated, broken—he’s not the man I know. Jackson is strong, a fighter, loyal, and I’m desperate to get him back.
“Coward? I’m fucking saving you. The only thing I’m afraid of is losing you.”
“I can’t do this again, Jackson. Please don’t walk out that door after I’ve told you how I feel.”
I watch his head shake from side to side and everything inside me rattles. Jackson remains in the door with his back to me, his voice quiet and strained. “I can’t lose you like that. I’d rather walk away.”
Anger that was simmering beneath the hurt is starting to boil. How dare he do this? He comes here, fucks me, tells me not to run, and then he’s going to do exactly that? I’m pissed. I’m talking volcano erupting, fire burning, hulk smashing kind of pissed the fuck off.