Sniffling I told him, “I was imagining it was your face.”
He smirked. “Nice, but seriously, I’m going to have to teach you how to throw a punch. You could have broken your hand hitting the way that you were. And so you know, we’re going to have to talk about my car too. I’m not going to just forget about it or sweep it under the rug.”
Sighing I told him, “Whatever. I’ll give you money to fix it when you find out how much it costs.”
Camden mashed his teeth together. “No, you won’t. But that’s not what I’m concerned about. Blue, I’ve never seen you so worked up over something, and I’m not sure how I feel that you went haywire on my vehicle instead of approaching me at the restaurant.”
I closed my mouth, refusing to give him an answer when I didn’t even have one myself. Helping me down from the counter, he quickly stripped his clothes off, and we climbed into the shower. The heat on my skin made me hiss. The pain was overwhelming and my head wouldn’t let go of the fact that he hid something that was important from me.
“I looked at your phone,” I announced.
“What?”
I met the brown of his eyes. “Earlier, I saw the texts while you were in the shower. That’s how I knew where you’d be.”
He regarded me for a moment before he said, “I’d like to say I’m upset about that but, I’m not.”
“You should be.”
“Why?”
“Because Camden, it was an invasion of your privacy, and I had no right going through your things. If I had a question, I should have come to you, and talked to you about it.”
“I’m not saying I appreciate you doing it, but I’m not angry with you for it. I should have told you about Bree right from the start.”
“Yes, you should have, but stop giving me the easy out, it’s pissing me off!”
He ran his hands through his damp hair causing it to stick up every which way. “What do you what me to do, huh? Yell at you, scream at you, tell you that you obviously don’t trust me? Because I’m not going to do that. Keegan, what was your gut telling you?” I looked down. “No, you don’t get to close up on me. What did your gut tell you?”
My breathing had picked up, and I clenched my fists despite the pain. “It told me that you were hiding something, okay? That’s why I looked.”
“And is that something that you normally would’ve done?”
“No.”
“Then I’m not mad at you for it.”
“Argh!” I threw my hands up in the air. “That’s partially why this is all so fucked up.” I turned away from him and faced the showerhead. The spray was beating down on me, and I closed my eyes while I let the water wash over my body. He remained quiet, letting me work out whatever was in my head on my own. “I lost it today, completely lost it. I’ve never felt so out of control before in my life. Do you know what that feels like?” My words came out as barely a whisper.
I heard him breathing behind me. “Yes.”
“I don’t even know how to make sense of what’s going on in my head. Camden, until today, I didn’t realize how much you have come to mean to me, how much I really care for you.”
“Keegan, believe me I know.”
I shook my head again, turning around to face him and wiped away the water that was mixing with my tears. “No, I don’t think you do. Until today I’d pushed aside any feelings that were more than just ‘like’. I thought that if I didn’t allow myself to feel how I really do, it wouldn’t affect me. Ignorance is bliss, right? But then I saw you. I thought I was seeing you with another girl, and it broke me. I couldn’t stomach the idea of it but that’s when it happened.”
His eyebrows etched together and he was solely focused on me. “What happened?”
Swallowing hard and threw my cards on the table. “I realized that I am head over heels in love with you, Camden. I know I shouldn’t be. And that you’re not the type to have a serious relationship like that. To tell you truthfully, I don’t even know how long I’ve actually been feeling like this, but now I’m aware, and I don’t think I can ignore it. I’ve let you put yourself in every little crevice of my heart, and I couldn’t stop this even if I tried.”
So many emotions flitted across his face, and I attempted to read every one of them. “Why would you?” His voice sounded timid, which was completely out of the norm for him.
“Because I’m spinning toward the ground and I’m twenty thousand feet up with no safety net. This is not the kind of control that I’m willing to let go of. Today showed me something that’s been blaring in my face for weeks now and just when I’m finally seeing it, I can’t process it. I need a little bit of time.”
“Blue, what do you mean by time?” He reached up and cupped my cheek. I placed my hand over his and felt his compassion seeping into me. Why did he look like I was about to crush him?
Tears were streaming down my face, and I let out a small sob. “You kept something important from me Camden. Honesty could have prevented this whole thing from happening. Not just what you did, but what I did too. I love you, and there’s nothing I can do about it. But I need to take some time to figure out how this makes me feel, how all of this can even work.”
He leaned forward and put his forehead on mine. “We can talk this out, time isn’t necessary.”
“It is.” I had nothing else to say. Stepping away from him, his hand dropped from my face, and I opened the shower door. Getting out I wrapped myself in a towel and walked to my room, retreating into my own space.
Camden didn’t follow me that night. He left me alone to wallow in my thoughts and resolve what a jumbled mess my head had become. I never even let him respond to my news breaking revelation. I hadn’t a clue if the feelings were even mutual, but I doubted it. It was like over the last few weeks I’d compartmentalized the feelings I’d established for Camden and tucked them away because I felt that he wasn’t ready for it. I wasn’t ready for it. Then the issue with Bree? I would have been understanding, I really would have. There was no reason for him to hide it from me. But obviously he didn’t feel that we were close enough that he could share something like that. That was the part the stung the most.
This morning at school I’d run into Dodger, and he apologized profusely for not telling me about Bree, but because he’d just found out himself I forgave him. I asked him some questions about her, which he gladly answered. I think he feared any negative repercussions from Macie. He confirmed that she has always taken to Camden more than the other three brothers, but mostly because he was the protective one, and he figured Camden made her feel safe. Apparently when you tell him something, that secret was on lockdown and he wouldn’t say a word. Yeah… no kidding! When I asked about the pregnancy, he didn’t seem to know much more than I did, except that she apparently had a one night stand with a bartender in the town that she lived and now she didn’t know what to do. I could understand why she’d be waffling about it. Not knowing if this guy was going to stick around when you hadn’t planned on a long term relationship with him, and then the sheer fact that her own mother had considered aborting her; she has quite a bit on her plate right now. I liked Breslin and the little bit that I knew of her now. And it turned out that she was thoroughly amused with my ass kicking of Camden’s car and had approved of me right then and there. She said if I dealt with Camden’s shit like that every time, I’d survive in this family. It made me smile for the first time in twenty-four hours.
I had just gotten home from work and plopped down on the couch. I thought I’d order a pizza and pop in a movie until Camden got home then we could talk. My phone was sitting next to me when it went off. MOM appeared on the screen.
“Hello?”