And something else clicked into place in her head.
James opened his eyes, as Grace watched him with the horrible realisation that their friendship had just turned in on itself. She saw the small flicker of his eyes trying to reach her, searching for somewhere he might comfortably settle within her gaze; and the dull veils of disappointment that descended as he found none. His whole body seemed to pull itself into a stiffer pose with one enormous effort of will, and he bent down to pick up the dropped torch. Grace knew they had just lost something between them that might never be found again.
‘Come on.’ He headed for the stairs without looking back, and she followed him.
Upstairs, Annabel looked bemusedly at both their faces. ‘What happened?’
‘The lights came on before we even touched the box,’ Grace said.
‘Really?’ Annabel glanced around. ‘Perhaps this cottage does have a ghost, after all – switching the lights on and off and stopping and starting the clock.’
‘Don’t say that.’
Annabel saw Grace’s face and laughed. ‘Come on, I was joking. Don’t get paranoid on me. Now, where were we?’
James picked up his cards, took a brief look at them and threw them back on the table. ‘I’m done,’ he said. ‘Think I’ll have an early night. It’s time I went home – I’ve got a long drive tomorrow.’
Annabel stared at him in astonishment, then at Grace for an explanation.
Grace pursed her lips, and glanced away.
They left James buried under a duvet on the sofa, and went up to bed. They both got ready in silence and then Grace put out the light. She lay there, knowing Annabel was awake.
‘Something happened between you two just then,’ Annabel said.
Grace didn’t reply.
‘You’re all over the place, Grace. You have to make up your mind what you want before we can help you.’
Grace heard Annabel roll over, and gathered that was her sister’s way of saying goodnight.
26
James was up and ready to leave by the time Grace headed downstairs with Millie the next morning. She put Millie on the floor, and then looked at him, weighing up how much she dared to say. ‘Don’t leave like this,’ she pleaded.
James came across to her and stroked her cheek, his face so forlorn that it made her want to cry. ‘It’s been lovely spending Christmas with you, Grace,’ he said. ‘But nothing’s ever going to change, is it?’
He knelt on the ground next to Millie. ‘Bye, little lady.’
Millie crawled rapidly over to Grace and clung to her mother’s leg.
‘I’m always here for you,’ he told her fiercely, getting to his feet. He picked up his bags and walked towards the door. ‘Say goodbye to Annabel for me.’
And then he let himself out.
Grace stood by the door, using all her strength to resist the urge to follow him. She knew it would be for her own comfort, and would intimate to James that she wanted something more than his friendship. It wasn’t fair to do that to him. So she listened to his car starting up and driving off, the engine noise getting fainter and fainter until it petered out. Then she sat down, feeling bereft, studying the frost that had formed intricate patterns on the window.
Annabel appeared moments later. ‘Has James gone already?’ she asked in surprise. ‘I heard his car.’
Grace nodded. ‘He said to say goodbye.’
Annabel had softened this morning. She perched on the arm of Grace’s chair. ‘What happened?’
‘He tried to kiss me last night…’
‘Really? I thought he was over all that…’ She leaned back and blew out her breath.
They sat without speaking for a little while, then Annabel sprang up. ‘Jeez, how could I have been so stupid? I’m running through so many things in my head right now, and seeing them differently.’
‘Really?’ Grace asked. ‘Like what?’
‘Well, like yesterday, for one. He followed you outside, a few minutes after you left – and came back in looking really annoyed, saying he’d seen you walking off with Ben.’
Grace felt obliged to explain. ‘I met him when I went out, and he offered to walk with me…’
Annabel said nothing in reply. Grace couldn’t decipher her expression.
‘Bel, are you interested in Ben…?’
Annabel looked at her, amused. ‘Of course not,’ she said. ‘He’s just the most handsome bloke around here to have some fun with. Anyway, he lives in Australia, Grace – I’m all for long-distance romance, but that’s taking it a bit far.’
They were interrupted by a loud crash. James marched into the lounge, leaving the front door wide open, an icy blast of air rushing through the cottage. His face was an angry red.
‘The road is coated in black ice – the bloody car keeps skidding on the damn hill. I can’t even get out of this sodding place…’
‘You’ll never get past the schoolhouse,’ Annabel said. ‘It’s really steep.’
There was a rap on the door, and a moment later Ben poked his head into the lounge room. ‘I heard you having trouble out there, mate,’ he said, looking at James. ‘Can I give you a hand? If you’re able to turn the car around I’ll tow you up this way. It’s not as steep – you can still get onto the motorway, it’s just a bit of a longer way round.’
James muttered a curse, and stormed out again. Ben looked across at the two women in confusion, and then followed James.
Annabel went over to the window, Grace behind her. Soon after the men disappeared, they heard the distant noises of engines, then saw Ben’s Land Rover go past, closely followed by James’s hired Passat, both men staring grimly ahead.
‘Poor James,’ Annabel said, one eyebrow raised, and then collapsed in laughter. Grace joined in, but it felt more like a necessary release than true mirth.
When Annabel sobered, she patted Grace’s arm. ‘Don’t worry, Grace, he’ll be fine – he loves you too much just to disappear out of your life.’
Annabel hadn’t seen his crushed expression last night, Grace thought, but she hoped her sister was right. Then she registered what Annabel had said.
He loves you too much just to disappear out of your life.
Had Adam not loved her enough? Was that it? Should she be trying to come to terms with it and move on, rather than dredging through the past like this?
It would mean letting go of her faith in him. Was she ready to do that? What if one day, against all the odds, he reappeared, and after he explained, she would understand.
But she didn’t really believe it would happen. Such ideas might release her fears for a while, but in the long term she was binding herself to empty promises. Because if she really knew Adam as well as she thought, then the only reason he wouldn’t come back was if he couldn’t.
27
By the time they walked up to the schoolhouse to see Meredith, the snow had receded to the point where they could crunch through it in their Wellingtons; but now it glittered with crystals, forming patches of slick ice, and it took them twice as long to reach the gravel drive as it had done the last time. Grace was glad they had taken Millie in the pushchair, as it was slightly less precarious than carrying her.
‘Meredith definitely agreed to this?’
‘Relax, Grace, she was fine about it,’ Annabel replied, trudging along next to her.
Before they’d even turned off the road, they could hear children squealing. As they watched, three boys raced into view, padded out in thick coats, hats, scarves and gloves. They stopped their chase for a moment, gaping at Grace and Annabel.
‘Is your grandma here?’ Grace asked, at which the youngest boy came over, took her by the hand, and pulled her along towards the side of the house, leaving Annabel and Millie behind.