Sylvia watched Aaron. He was so strong, so handsome, so very much a leader. There was so much in the way that he swung his arms, so much in the way he called back to them, that reminded her of Cadmann. Whoever this man Koskov, the one who contributed half of Aaron's genetic material, had been, she knew instinctively that she would have liked him.
She allowed herself a momentary fantasy. What might it have been like to accept the father's genetic material in the more conventional fashion .
...
But there was the very real possibility of damage, things wrong with Aaron that she couldn't see, sicknesses of the spirit beneath anything that she could reach. And if that was true, whose fault was that?
No one's.
So strong, so much a leader, so handsome, and possibly damaged. What kind of mother would she have been? A lot of pain bubbled up with that thought. Pain, and thoughts very different from the intellectual justifications they fed each other about the children. She should have nurtured him in her body. Let him feel her love, her fear, her longings. These are the rhythms of human life. The extreme mood swings of mothers—in a sense, didn't they train the children? Hormonal communications, saying: This is life, my child. These emotions, the highs and the lows. Drink deeply of all of it but no matter what it is that you feel, in the midst of it... there is love, there is this total acceptance within my body.
These experiences Aaron had been denied.
And this was something that she had to live with now. But perhaps, just perhaps, there was still time to do something about it. And if there was, she would.
"It's the richness of it all," Cadmann said. "Everything depends on everything else. Big Chaka showed me twenty parasites and symbiotes living in just the spider devils."
"Samlon too." Aaron smiled. "Every samlon is a colony."
"And these horsemane trees are like a world unto themselves. Hel-lo!"
Those three trees stood like winter-naked beeches. Their manes lay broken, in three parallel lines. They must have fallen away in one piece and broken on impact. New manes were growing, not much more than green fur.
And Aaron was laughing. "Avalon Surprise! Funny, isn't it, how it always makes sense after you know. What happens is, this breed drops its entire mane every so often. It keeps down the parasites. Then it's got to survive while it grows a new mane, so it stores a lot of sugar. We've been thickening the sap by vacuum evaporation. You'll have to tell me, Cadmann, Sylvia; you've tasted maple syrup."
"It won't be the same. Not made that way," Sylvia said. "If you don't caramelize maple sugar, it tastes like sugar water. The flavor comes from half-charring it."
Cadmann had been looking about him with new eyes. "There are a lot of those. One out of four trees is growing a new mane. Why didn't I see it before? Why are they all doing it?"
"Chaka said higher insolation," Aaron said. "More sunlight means more sugar means more congress bugs and Joeys and everything else that lives in a horsemane. When the tree's supporting too many squatters, it just pushes the house over."
"We get to those rocks, I want to stop. I've got a pebble in my shoe," Sylvia said.
Cadmann looked at her a moment. "I'll just move on ahead. Aaron, I wouldn't do that in strange territory."
Aaron caught the implication. "We've been dumping speed in this lake once a week for the past six months. It doesn't drain, Cadmann. There aren't any grendels here. I was hoping we'd find you our bear, though."
"You mentioned that at breakfast."
"There was something like a bear here two years ago, when we did the preliminary. Three hundred kilos, it looked like. Possibly an overgrown Joey. We can't find hide nor hair of it now."
"Maybe it hibernates?"
"It isn't winter."
"Estivates, then."
Sylvia stopped to adjust her boot. Her eyes met Cadmann's briefly. He smiled and walked on ahead, leaving her with Aaron. A dozen times, in two dozen different ways, Sylvia almost asked Aaron the crucial question. Do you know that you are my son? Do you care? Would it be good for him to know? Did it matter?
And because there was no answer to any of her questions, she wanted to engage his interest, his mind. She wanted to know who the young man was behind the perfect physique, the handsome face, the piercing eyes.
"What was it like for you?" he finally said, breaking the silence. "In the very early days?" He stopped, and then smiled almost shyly. "No. That's not really the question I wanted to ask."
"What is?"
"The question I really wanted to ask was why did you really come to another star?"
"I don't understand."
"I know the official answers: exploration, adventure... but why you? Why this particular adventure? All of you. All of the Earth Born have a conservative streak which would seem to be completely different from the heigh-ho adventurers that came out here originally. So... what's the real truth?"
She was a little startled by the question, but caught the meaning behind it almost immediately.
They told themselves that they came to capture and tame a new world. Settlers had always dealt with such emotions—and dealt with losses such as the Earth Born had sustained.
They told themselves that they grew more conservative, more fearful because they didn't know if anyone would ever come to join them from Earth. Or, indeed, if something had happened on Earth, something terrible, which precluded anyone else from following them to the stars.
But maybe...
"You're quiet," he said.
"I was just thinking. That was a good question. I guess if I was to answer for myself—and I certainly can't answer for anyone else—I'd have to say that I had my husband, and he had a dream. I shared the dream. Maybe not as much as he did."
"What did you lose coming out?" he asked.
"I had family. Friends."
"And career?"
"No! Avalon fits my career fine. But I think on some deep level I got pulled out of my academics by my husband."
"And then you met Cadmann?" Aaron smiled.
"Aboard ship. You know a lot about those early days," she said.
"There are a lot of diaries and journals on public record. Interesting blank spots in them, too. A lot of public video. It was easy to see that your attraction to Cadmann began while you were still married."
She sighed. "He was dashing. And I think that I'd never met anyone quite like him. And I... guess that it was a little overwhelming. A new world, with new sights and smells. I think that there is a part of a woman that wants to line up behind or beside the strongest, wildest male she can find, and have his children."
"But you didn't do anything about that?"
"Not until after Terry died, no."
"But you thought about it."
She had to grin. "Yes, I thought about it. Now that's enough questions, darn it." Stop prying into Mother's business...
His smile was secretive but warm, and he broke the trail ahead of them step by step, her son making the way for the mother he didn't know.
It was what mountaineers called a "hanging lake" tucked onto a ledge. The ground sloped up steeply on the south and west sides, so that long shadows fell on that side of the water well before it would be dusk anywhere else. Now those long shadows stretched across the lake, creating a false evening. Cadmann believed that he could hear the hum of nearby bees, but could no longer see them.
His war specs were on thermal mode.
The shadows went orange. The trees surrounding the lake floated in a ghostly haze. There was little there that could have been seen in broad daylight. The entire mood was quiet, calm.
A sudden movement behind the stand of trees captured his attention instantly. What the hell... ?