I winced, stepping back. “Not do it with him, not in that way, but… yeah. I kinda like him. He seems like a good guy. A bit of a loner, which is why I guess he came here, but not a bad person. He was…” I flushed. “He was kind to me. When we spoke. And he repeated several times that this wouldn’t be a sexual arrangement in any way. I don’t think he’s at all interested in humans like that.”
Violet’s shoulders slumped in relief. “Okay, that’s… that’s good. Not that—If you did find yourself wanting a demiurgus for a partner, there’s nothing wrong with that, Beryl. Don’t let what you’ve been surrounded by here taint your view of the demiurgus as a people. They’re just normal folk. They probably think this place is as weird as you and I do.”
“I know.” I chuckled. “Greid told me it creeped him the hell out.”
Violet finally cracked a smile, then sighed and looked down. “Sometimes I… Sometimes I wish we’d left when your dad brought you here. Gone out into the world so you could experience a normal childhood. But I was scared. Scared I wouldn’t be able to provide for you or I’d fall into my old ways. Scared I’d be a shitty parent. It wasn’t like I had any good examples to follow—my parents sucked, which you can probably tell from how your dad and I turned out.”
“Dad was an asshole, but you’re an amazing person, Violet,” I said defensively. “You were a great parent to me. You still are. I hate him for what he did, but I’m glad he left me here. I’m glad you were the one who raised me. Not him. Not my mother, wherever the fuck she is.”
Violet’s eyes glistened with tears as she hugged me tight. “I just hope I did right by you. If this is what you want, I support you, but please, please keep in touch with me so I know you’re safe. And if you hate it with him but don’t want to come back here, we’ll find a way. I can—I have a small pension saved. It should be enough to tide us over—”
“No.” I squeezed her before letting go. “I want to do this, Violet. I want to be brave. I can’t keep falling back into my safety net when things get difficult.”
My eyes were watering just like hers, so I swiped at them roughly. “Greid said he’d help me find a job. And if I don’t want to stay with him, I can save up to find my own place. And then if you wanted to leave, you could retire and live with me.”
She smiled, cheeks flushed and forehead splotchy from her tears, just like mine got. “It sounds crazy, but I’ll probably just stay here even when I retire. I do like it here. It’s peaceful. And easy. And it keeps me out of trouble.”
I nodded in understanding. Violet and her past boyfriend had been fairly heavy drug users, which was how she’d ended up in prison for theft—she’d been caught stealing stuff to fence for drug money. I knew she’d found peace here, so I didn’t judge her for wanting to stay. It was pretty peaceful, once you learned how to tune out all the fervent gushing about sexy demiurgus.
“I can’t believe I’m actually leaving.” I let out a nervous, slightly hysterical laugh and pressed a hand to my chest over my racing heart. “Tonight’s my last night here.”
She gave me a watery smile. “I’m happy for you, Beryl. But I’m going to miss you.”
I sniffed. “I’ll miss you too, Auntie. But I’ll come and visit. I’ll just make up some stuff about how amazing Greid’s magical dick is when the rest of them inevitably ask.”
She chuckled, then eyed me. “He got your medical record, right? He knows that even if he is interested that way, that kind of sex is off the table?”
My stomach squirmed with discomfort. “Yeah, he got it. He didn’t open it before he left, though.”
I’d been so desperate for him to see it before, thinking it would save me, but now the thought of him reading my private information felt horribly invasive. Which it absolutely was.
Something told me though, that Greid may not have opened that brown envelope. Or if he had, not realising what it was, he would have thrown it down in disgust. He seemed like an intensely private person, so hopefully that extended to respecting my privacy too.
I supposed I’d find out tomorrow. I’d find out a lot of things tomorrow. Like what a demiurgus home looked like. What it was like to sleep in the middle of a bustling city with constant noise, not up at the top of a hill with nothing but utter silence at night.
What it was like to eat whatever I wanted without having to guiltily hide snacks in my room. What alcohol tasted like. What it was like to get high.
What it was like to step out onto a busy street knowing I could go literally anywhere and do literally anything.
I wouldn’t have to exercise every single day if I didn’t want to—although I often ducked out of it here anyway. I would be able to eat whatever I wanted, not carefully portioned healthy meals with the optimum ratio of protein to carbs to fat. I could take up painting or cycling or cookery. I could do anything.
After saying goodnight to Violet and promising we would have a proper goodbye before I left tomorrow, I started packing up all my stuff in the embarrassing luggage. It didn’t take that long—after throwing my clothes into one, I neatly packed my skincare and bath products into the other, as well as the meagre collection of items hidden in my nightstand. An old gossip magazine, a notepad for doodling in, a crossword book for when I was really bored.
Seeing the entire contents of my life, the only things I owned, fitting so easily into two suitcases was kind of depressing, to be honest. But instead of moping about how I’d reached thirty-five having achieved so little, I thought about all the things I could buy myself once I had a proper job. Cute furniture and clothes that weren’t just flowy trousers and loose shirts. I’d allowed myself just a hint of rebellion by wearing things that weren’t plain beige, but I hadn’t wanted to draw any more attention to myself here.
Once I was completely packed, I turned off the lights and climbed into my big bed for the last time—the bed I’d slept in for more than two-thirds of my life. It had seemed so enormous when I was a kid. It had been terrifying when I first got here—being given my own giant room when I was used to sleeping on a pull-out in the dirty, messy living room of my dad’s tiny apartment, his TV constantly on in the next room and a string of women coming and going.
What would my room at Greid’s be like? He’d said his house was big, but obviously it wouldn’t be as enormous as the compound. It might be nice to live in a house that wasn’t such an extreme. Not a tiny, cramped apartment nor a gigantic, sprawling, lifeless building. Just a normal house. A normal demiurgus house, anyway.
I was too wired to even attempt shutting my eyes, staring up at the dark ceiling as my thoughts raced. Would Greid be wearing another slick three-piece suit when he came back to get me? For some reason, I got the sense that it wasn’t his usual attire, and not just because he’d been wildly uncomfortable the whole time he’d been here.
What would we eat for dinner? What would we watch on TV? Maybe it was silly to get excited about such mundane things, but I was. I was excited.
I’d mocked all the others for acting like kids on Christmas morning when Greid had been about to make his grand entrance in the courtyard, but that was exactly how I felt now.
Chapter Nine
