“God, that s-sounds so p-pathetic.” She slid down the wall, and I quickly yanked my leg in so she could lie down.
“I’m sorry,” I said desperately. “I didn’t mean it like—Beryl, please don’t cry. You’re gonna make me cry.”
She started crying harder. Big, ugly sobs as she wiped her nose with the sleeve of her onesie. “God, Greid, you’re so fucking nice.” She covered her face with her hands. “I’m sorry, I think I’m just… I haven’t let myself think too hard about everything that’s happened, and now it’s all just coming out.”
“That’s okay.” I fidgeted with the hem of my onesie to stop myself reaching for her. “Do you… do you want me to leave you alone? In the nest?”
“No,” she burst out, moving her hands to look up at me with red-rimmed eyes. Her mouth trembled, more tears dripping. “I want—I want… Can you hug me again, Greid? Please?”
“Sure, of course. Yes.” I awkwardly shifted to lie down beside her, and equally as awkwardly wrapped my arm around her curled-up frame.
She immediately shuffled closer until I could get my other arm under her and she was buried against my chest. My hearts thudded hard, eyes falling closed as my chin rested on the top of her curls.
This was okay, right? She’d asked me to hug her. She wanted comfort. This wasn’t me leering at her like a creep and asking, Can I have a hug? Hehehe.
It wasn’t even like I could really feel her through our giant onesies. She was just a little mound of soft fabric shaking against me as she cried into my chest. I was desperate to thread my fingers through her soft curls, but obviously I didn’t. I just gave her back soothing rubs, frantically trying to think of a way to make her feel better.
But then, maybe she needed to let it all out. Maybe she just needed to let herself process all the recent changes in her life.
After a few minutes she started to calm down, but she didn’t move away. Her hot forehead rested in the hollow of my throat, and I could feel her small hands clutching the front of my onesie, so I clung to her tighter, curling my legs up to cradle her body completely.
“I don’t think I ever truly realised how much the cult has fucked me up,” she said with a wet sniff. “Growing up there was… not normal. As much as my aunt tried to shield me from all the cult stuff.”
I swallowed. “Yeah. It must have been lonely.”
I’d been picked on and teased by my siblings, and belittled by my dad, but at least I’d grown up with a big family. A proper family, not a group of strangers who lived together for a very odd reason that was entirely inappropriate for a child to be exposed to. My mother was ridiculously overbearing, but I knew she loved me. My siblings loved me too, they were just assholes. But loveable assholes. Not like my dad.
“I always thought I was so independent and confident,” Beryl said hoarsely. “But if I’m so independent, why did I stay there for years? Why didn’t I leave?”
“It’s hard to walk away from things. Especially everything at once. And you—your dad abandoned you, so why would you be eager to leave the person who took you in after that? If your aunt is there, it makes sense that you’d want to stay.” I allowed myself to briefly stroke the back of her head. “It just takes time, Beryl. Even if you’d just moved from another city or town, it takes time to find your footing in a new place. But, I mean, look at you. It’s only been a couple of weeks and you’ve already found a job. You’re doing great. You’re really brave.”
Beryl’s breaths calmed. She sniffed again, then tried to shuffle even closer. “Thanks, Greid. Thank you for everything.”
My pulse leapt with alarm when she started blubbering again, but then she said, “I’m glad I left with you and not before. I can’t imagine not knowing you now.”
“Me neither,” I said, squeezing her a little tighter. “You’re the best, Beryl.”
“I’m not,” she said with a watery laugh. “I’m not anything. I’m just beige, like The Order’s compound and everything in it.”
“You’re not beige,” I said, horrified. “You’re the furthest thing from beige. I-I noticed you—god, this is fucking embarrassing—but I noticed you at the compound because… you were the only one there who actually looked like a real person. You weren’t standing in line like the rest of them, and you were glaring at me like you’d rip my balls off if I went near you, and it… You looked… real.”
Squirming with embarrassment, I cleared my throat and added, “And I, um, I liked your hair. And your freckles. You looked interesting.”
She snuffled a tiny laugh, face still buried against my chest. Which was probably a good thing—I wasn’t sure I wanted to look at her while I humiliated myself like this by admitting I’d been instantly drawn to her.
“There are other members there with red hair. Well, I wouldn’t call my hair red. More like a boring ginger.”
“It’s not boring,” I said immediately. “And I know, but… I didn’t notice any of them. I noticed you.”
She was quiet for a minute, but I felt her clutch the front of my onesie tighter. Eventually, she rasped, “I was kind of annoyed when I saw how handsome you are.”
I froze. Beryl thinks I’m handsome? Ignoring my pounding hearts—fuck, I hoped she couldn’t feel them—I let out a weak chuckle. “Um… okay.”
“Only because I knew they would all be falling over themselves to become your mate, and I didn’t like the thought of some demiurgus going in there and taking advantage of their devotion.”
I cringed. “Fuck. Not my finest moment.”
She shook her head, still buried against me. “I get why you went there, Greid. And being out here, seeing how normal demiurgus are… I mean, I’d always believed it anyway, but never really got to see it. I can understand how it… doesn’t really seem believable from a distance that there are a bunch of humans living up that hill just waiting and desperate to become a demiurgus lover. Treating you all like you’re gods.”
“It was a mindfuck,” I admitted. “I knew about the cult, obviously, but… yeah. I didn’t really think it would be like that. I thought it might just be, like, humans who are super fascinated by our kind and want to study us or something. Not… you know. The sex stuff.”
She snorted. “Yeah.”
“I did try and tell the old man that we’re not, like, mystical god-like sex demons. I’m pretty sure I even brought up pooping.”
Beryl burst out laughing. “Well, I mean, everybody poops.” She poked me lightly in the ribs. “Even mystical god-like sex demons, apparently.”
I grinned, then realised I’d buried my nose and mouth in her curls at some point. Jerking my head back up onto the pillow, I tightened my arms around her to pull her even closer.
Was this weird? That we were still lying like this while just talking? Should I let her go and apologise for not doing it sooner?
But then Beryl let out a long sigh and snuggled closer. One of her curls tickled my chin, and my eyes slid shut as I breathed in her warm scent.
If she still wanted me to keep holding her like this, I’d sooner have all my limbs torn off by wild animals than willingly let go. This might be the only chance I got to be this close to her.
I was going to cling to it for as long as possible.
Chapter Twenty-One
Beryl
As I stared at Greid’s sleeping face the next morning, just inches from my own, I finally let myself admit it.