“I'm not making up, I'm serious.”
“No, I don't believe you. There's no truth.”
Jason yelled, “Did you know in some countries if you let your dick hair grow it is considered ironic?”
Lyndi Wood replied, “That is so interesting.”
Hu Chin yelled, “There's bitter, sweet, salty and sour. That's it, that's the truth, those are the tastes.”
“No, there's umami. It's a fact. Look it up, Lyndi Wood.”
“A woman's pussy juice is salty I believe.”
Jason yelled, “Yes, very much, salty pussy.”
“Some pussies are bitter with irony,” I said.
“Oh yes, the ironic vagina,” Jason said.
“Umami is found in aged foods with glutamate or something. It says it is found a lot in Chinese and Japanese cuisine,” Lyndi Wood said.
“See, Hu. I was right.”
Jason said to me, “But what does a taint smell like?”
“Usually not very good. But I think that is why it is so hot to smell one.”
Lyndi Wood yelled, “What is a taint?”
Hu Chin said, “The space between the asshole and dick or vagina.”
I said, “Why does that space deserve a name?”
Jason said, “There's nothing there but space.”
Petra yelled, “No, that's not the taint.”
Hu, “Then what's the taint?”
I said to Jason, “Is there a 'the taint' or should we say 'a taint?'”
Jason said, “The taint. The taint is very important and we should never forget that all taints require a 'the.'”
“True,” I said.
Hu Chin yelled at Petra, “The taint is the space between the balls and asshole.”
“Do I have the taint?” Petra said.
“Yes, as long as you have a space between your vagina and asshole, you have the taint.”
Lyndi Wood while looking at her cell phone said, “Yes, Hu Chin is correct. We all have the taint.”
Jason, “Thank god Benny, we have the taint.”
“What if an army of the taints took over Seattle?”
“I would give up peacefully and believe in their God.”
Petra said, “I still don't understand what the taint is. It isn't anything but space. Why does it need a name?”
Lyndi Wood said, “The Scottish guy just sent me a text message saying he might want to fuck me later this week.”
Hu Chin said, “Umami is stupid.”
Jason said, “Is it Scots or Irish who wear kilts?”
I said, “It doesn't matter, seriously.”
Jason said, “You mean like the fact at all.”
“No, that fact doesn't matter.”
Petra yelled, “Hu, you don't know anything about taste.”
Hu replied, “Is that a question?”
“No, it's a declarative sentence.”
“I have two small dogs, one day I will order them to eat you, Petra,” Hu said.
“I bet you fucking will, Hu Chin,” said Petra.
“No doubt, Petra,” Hu yelled.
“The Scottish wrote me another text message. It is really sweet,” Lyndi Wood said.
“Irony is when your ass tells your face that there is love in the universe,” I said.
Jason yelled at me, “What if my dick had discordance with my balls?”
“Is that a thought experiment?” I said.
“Yes, very deep and incomprehensible,” Jason said.
“Nothing matters except irony. I have trained myself in the mixed martial arts of irony. I am now I'm an irony sensei. I conquer towns and cities with irony,” Hu Chin said in an ancient voice.
“You're not Japanese, Hu,” said Petra.
“Someday my dogs will kill you, Petra.”
“I am stronger than your dogs.”
“My dogs are a mighty force,” Hu Chin said in a serious tone of voice.
“This is really interminable,” Jason said to me.
“No, this is the apex of human experience,” I said.
“I don't believe you,” said Jason.
“No, this is like the meaning of life. The meaning of all things, logos, the principle that guides the universe,” I said.
“This can't mean anything,” said Jason.
Lyndi Wood yelled, “The Scottish guy wants to see me tomorrow night for drinks.”
Petra said, “Didn't you already see each other for drinks tonight?”
“Everybody is getting drinks,” I said.
“If everybody is getting drinks, then nobody is getting drinks,” said Jason.
“Bean curd is fucking awesome,” said Hu Chin.
“Hmm, you're right. I might start eating this more often,” I said.
“I'm fucking Asian and I can't pick this tofu up with chopsticks,” said Petra.
“They should send you back to Tennessee for such dishonorable behavior,” I said.
“Why don't you go somewhere and feel guilty, you Christian bastard.”
“The Catholic God is the only God for me,” said Jason.
Hu Chin said in a serious tone of voice, “I don't understand; who is God, God or Jesus?”
Jason said, “They are both God.”
“In the beginning there was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God,” I said.
Petra said, “You know that doesn't help anything at all. That sounded like a lot of fucking gibberish.”
Jason said, “You're all going to hell.”
“The God of The Taint,” Hu Chin said.
“The Scottish guy text messaged me again,” Lyndi Wood said smiling.
Twenty Three
The party was all over. I was back in Petra's bed naked. We had sex and were laying there. It was dark in the room. No music was playing. We weren't smoking. It was a no smoking apartment. I didn't have an orgasm which frustrated her. But she was fine with it. She didn't have one either. We were people that didn't have orgasms. Orgasms don't matter that much when you have a nice lower east side apartment.
Petra said, “We look good walking around together.”
I was puzzled by what she said and replied, “That never occurred to me.”
“I think people see us and think we look good together, like a good artsy New Yorker couple.”
“It never occurred to me that people were looking at us.”
“People are looking at us all the time.”
“Are you sure?”
“Oh yeah, that's what New York is about. It is about looking good in front of other people,” Petra said.
“I don't know. I'm not concerned.”
“If you wanna be a big-shot writer you better get concerned.”
“Well, if you think we looked good. I believe your opinion.”
“My opinion is correct.”
“I think this whole us meeting each other thing turned out okay.”
“Yeah, it did. I didn't know what you would be like. There was this one guy who came to visit me when I lived in Austin. He bought me dinner and took me out. When we came back to my place he went in the bedroom took off all his clothes and laid on my bed. I went in the bedroom and he was there totally naked. We hadn't even kissed. I got really mad. I didn't tell him I was mad though. I stood there and explained in the most polite voice possible how I thought we were just friends and it was so 1955 that he thought I would just have sex with him because he bought me things. And that it was 2008 and men and women could be friends now. He didn't seem happy about that all. He put his clothes back on and went to the couch. I took a Vicodin I had and went to sleep.”
“You're silly.”
“Yeah, that was pretty silly.”
“Tomorrow I leave,” I said.
“I know, I'm sad. It will be all over. I think I'm falling in love with you.”
“Is that true?”
“Yeah, I don't know why. I think we get along good. We've talked for almost two years online and we're still sitting here talking. If our relationship was just going to be fucking, you would have given up by now.”