Naked.
Oh God. My scar.
Sure he saw it last night, but this is the light of day. This is undeniable reality.
I start to slip out of the warm bed so I can search for a shirt or scarf or something, but Levi’s fingers wrap around my wrist before I can make my escape.
I quickly position my free arm over my chest in an awkward attempt at covering up my damaged skin. Not my boobs, however. Those babies are just hanging out in the open like they’re trying to get a tan or something.
“Where are you going?” He opens his sleepy eyes and looks up at me.
My room! The bathroom! A pet store! All better answers than what actually comes out of my mouth.
“Boob tan.”
“Boob tan?” He starts to smile, but his eyes drop to my chest and his smile fades. “Pixie,” he says softly. “Move your arm.”
I make a face.
He slowly pries my arm from my chest, and now my scar is just there. In between us, under the sun and highlighted in blue.
I hold my breath.
He moves his fingers up my arm and traces them gently over my elbow, up along my shoulder, and back down my scar. The touch is so careful and unburdened I could cry.
“You’re beautiful,” he says, his eyes roving over my naked body. For the first time, no part of me wishes to hide from him. Not my scar, not my body, not my heart, my dreams, my fears. Nothing. I want to be completely seen by him and known by him and loved by him and—
My heart starts to race.
I love him.
Oh my God. I love him.
I mean, I’ve always loved him. But I just realized I love him in the mushy gushy kind of way. The irrevocable way. The true way. The way that changes you forever.
And I’m suddenly scared out of my mind.
“I have to go,” I say, quickly moving off the bed.
I wrap myself in a sheet and look around at the paint stains on the floor and the walls. Crap. We’re in my room. It’s hard to flee gracefully and without question from your own room.
I twitch my lips. “I mean, you have to go.”
“What?” He sits up with a furrowed brow.
“You have to go,” I repeat, looking just beyond him so I don’t meet his eyes. My gaze lands on a red handprint on my headboard and my heart twists.
“Pix, what’s wrong—”
“Fine, I’ll go!” I throw a hand up and stomp out my door like a true drama queen. I don’t look back. I don’t blink. I just shut myself in the bathroom across the hall and stare at the blue dots on the wallpaper until everything goes blurry.
Love—real love—that’s going all in. That’s putting everything at stake. But I can’t lose him again. We’ve barely recovered our friendship, and this—whatever this is—could backfire and steal him away from me forever. And what’s going to happen when summer ends and school starts and life gets real? Oh God, oh God.
Things need to go back to being normal. Platonic. Friendly. Sexless.
God, did I really have sex with Levi last night?
I did.
Hot sex. Great sex. Real, honest-to-God, clawing-at-the-sheets-and-begging-for-more sex. And it was everything it was supposed to be. I wasn’t distracted or caught up in my own head. I was a crazy lunatic who couldn’t get close enough to Levi’s skin and his mouth and his hands, and it was perfect. Powerful, stormy, perfect sex.
But never again. I can’t afford to lose Levi, so I can’t risk having him.
The blue dots grow even more blurry as my eyes fill completely.
56 Levi
I tap my knuckles on the bathroom door. “Pix?” I hear her sniffle from within and my stomach drops. “Please let me in.”
She opens the door but only halfway, looking up at me through hastily dried eyes as she clutches her bedsheet to her chest. “Leaves, hey,” she says, like this is a perfectly normal conversation.
I pause. “Are you okay?”
“Yeah, I’m fine.” She sniffles again.
I lean into the bathroom, occupying her space so she can see me, really see me, when I say, “What’s wrong? Was it… was it last night?”
“No.” She shakes her head. “No. Last night was perfect.”
I scan her face, completely at a loss.
She looks at the floor and swallows before looking back up at me. “Remember when we were like eleven and twelve and you taught me how to fish? I thought fishing was disgusting, which it is, but you taught me how to bait a hook and cast a line and wait patiently for a bite? And we fished all afternoon but didn’t catch a single thing? But we didn’t care because we had fun all day joking about what it would be like to grow up and be famous and drive fancy cars and have butlers?”
I slowly nod.
She swallows again. “That’s what I need from you, forever. Friendship.”
“You have that.”
“Do I?” She shakes her head. “Because I thought I had that when I was eleven, but then I lost you after Charity died, and I… I can’t lose you again.”
“You’re not going to lose me.”
“But I could.”
“You won’t.”
“But I COULD.” She overenunciates the last word with defiance in her eyes.
I lean back. “So what are you saying?”
“I’m saying.” She inhales. “I’m saying that we need to be just friends. No complicated sex stuff or relationship stuff. It’s too risky. We could lose each other. We could lose everything we’ve just barely started to repair.” Her voice is incredibly steady despite the tear rolling down her face. She swipes it away.
A muscle flexes in my jaw. “You want to be just friends?”
She nods.
“Pix.” I lean back in, closer this time. “We stopped being just friends before Charity died.”
“Yeah, well.” She shrugs with a jerk. “Maybe if we had stayed just friends I wouldn’t have been trashed that night and I wouldn’t have told Charity to drive drunk and—”
“Bullshit,” I snap.
“I’m being serious.”
“You’re making excuses.”
She says, “For what?”
“Hell if I know. You’re standing there in a sheet covered in sex and blue paint, trying to tell me that we should be just friends?”
“Think about it! What if we jump into something and it all goes to hell, what then? No more friendship. No more us. No more… anything.” Her voice cracks. “I can’t DO that, Levi. I can’t.” She shakes her head. “Please don’t ask me to risk losing you again.”
“You’re not going to lose me—”
“Please?” she pleads as another tear falls.