Stephenie pinched her smile and tried not to laugh. Sometimes it was impossible not to laugh. Carrie was constantly saying things in ways only a child would consider appropriate. "Madeleine Nyssa told you that, did she?"
"Uh-huh. Yes she did. She also said her mommy got mad at her daddy and they were kissing and then she got a bleeding nose."
"Oh really?"
"Uh-huh."
"Well, I don't think we're going to run out of gas there babe, so don't get too worried about it."
"Okay mommy. I won't get too worried about it. I'll try to keep my nose from getting all bleedy too."
Stephenie smiled. "That sounds good. How bad do you need the washroom, really bad?"
Carrie grabbed her Coke and put the straw to her lips and enjoyed another drink. She put the can down and said, "Yes. I have to go reallybad. It might come out in my pants a little."
"Well don't do that. If you need to pee I'll stop the car and you can pee at the side of the road. Do you want me to pull over so you can go?"
"No. I can hold it inside my tummy 'til we find a bathroom."
Stephenie put pressure on the gas petal and the car moved a little faster. The highway was pretty much empty so she could drive as fast as she wanted. She didn't need a speeding ticket though, so if worst came to worst she wouldpull over and Carrie could relieve herself at the side of the road whether she thought it was a good idea or not.
She said, "Do me a favor, babe?"
"Yeah?"
"Stop drinking the Coke. It only makes you need the bathroom more."
Carrie eyed the can suspiciously. "Okay, I won't have any more until after I go." She grinned, showing the big hole where a tooth had once been.
"Great. Do you have to go number one or number two?"
"Number one." She held up a single finger so her mother could see.
Stephenie nodded her head and Carrie smiled.
Carrie loved her mommy more than Kermit, the Care Bears and SpongeBob together. And after watching Stephenie nod her head, she decided to nod her head too.
2
Ten minutes passed.
Stephenie turned on the radio and flipped through the stations. She found a song that wasn't too annoying, might have been Radiohead. She turned it low and let it play. Resting an elbow on the open window she looked at the gas gauge again.
She was almost out of gas.
She didn't tell Carrie this information, but she was worried about how much gas was in the tank and how far it would take them. Being stranded at the side of the road was quickly becoming more realistic and today wasn't a great day for that type of adventure. It was hot outside. The late August sun wasn't fighting its way through many clouds and the wind factor was nonexistent. Then again, it was nearly 7:30 pm. The heat was sure to ease soon.
Carrie flipped through the pages of her photo album.
Looking at a photo of her daddy, her face saddened. It had been five months since daddy had gone to heaven and she was finally beginning to accept the fact he wasn't coming back. It wasn't fair. Madeleine Nyssa's daddy didn't have to go to heaven. In fact, none of the kids she played with had daddies that had to go away forever.
She wanted her daddy to come home. Sometimes she asked God to send daddy home and she promised to keep it a secret and not tell anybody. Sometimes she asked God if daddy could drop by for a visit because she missed him, and because she wanted to show him the tooth that fell from her mouth after she wiggled it with her tongue. God didn't respond. She wasn't sure if she liked God. She knew she was supposed to love him and figured that loving him was okay, but she didn't know if she liked him. God didn't play fair. He never responded to her questions, he never dropped by to say hello, and he was keeping her daddy all to himself. Mommy said people that don't like sharing are spoiled brats. Sometimes she thought God was a spoiled brat but she never said anything because she didn't want to say any swears.
Stephenie looked at Carrie; her brow furrowed.
Carrie didn't notice.
Stephenie said, "Do you miss him?"
Carrie turned the page. "Yes."
"It's okay to miss him you know. I miss him. I think about him every day."
"So do I."
"We'll be okay babe. We'll get through this. Every day things get a little easier so don't worry. It's okay to miss him but try not to worry."
"Are you going to get us a new daddy?"
Stephenie took a moment to find the right combination of words. "I don't know what to tell you babe. Right now I'm not looking for a new daddy but I don't want to say there won't ever be one. Do you want me to find a new daddy?"
"No. I want the old one back."
"Carrie, you know----"
"Yeah, I know, I know. Daddy is on an elevator for heaven and he can't come back to visit us ever, even if God says it's alright. You don't hafta tell me. I know he's not coming home. God won't let him."
Stephenie didn't say anything. She didn't know what to say. This wasn't a new conversation; they had talked about Hal's death a hundred times or more.
Hal had a terrible accident while he was at work and now he was dead and life goes on, even though it's hard. And it washard. The past five months had been hard for so many reasons. Hal's death was the big reason, of course. But the fact Stephenie had been in-and-out of therapy and prescribed a handful of drugs wasn't helping anything. She was irritable and irregular and her nightmares had her waking up in tears. The doctors (all four of them) were telling Stephenie that when they found a suitable combination of drugs and dosages, sleep would be easier and her body would function more regularly. Until that time she had to be strong, pay close attention to her body and let them know what was happening.
Stephenie figured the trip would be good for both of them. Visiting mom and dad was something she didn't do often enough. And besides, a six and a half hour drive wasn't that far. It was doable. And it was time.
Hanging from the rearview mirror was a small portrait of Jesus Christ.
Stephenie's mother had given it to her at Hal's funeral. She hung the portrait around the mirror for no real reason, aside from the fact that her mother would notice it and appreciate it being there. Oddly enough, she liked it there too. She wasn't a Catholic or a Christian, but she found comfort in the image. Jesus had eyes that were kind and sad and without a trace of anger. And if the stories were true he had a reason to be angry, beyondangry. If the stories were just stories, well then, she supposed there was something worth thinking about inside the message.
Stephenie looked at the gas gauge again.
Empty.
A cold sweat threatened to break out on her forehead.
Carrie said, "Are you okay mommy?"
Stephenie took her eyes off the road and looked at her daughter. "What's that babe?"
"I said are you alright?"
Stephenie was emotionally charged, strung out on meds, and had a reoccurring nightmare where her husband fell eighteen stories and landed on a sign that said DANGER - MEN WORKING. Sometimes Hal screamed as he fell and sometimes he didn't. Sometimes he said things as he dropped. Things like, I told you I didn't want to go to work today. I told you I wasn't feeling well, right babe? Why did you push me into going to work today Stephenie? Why didn't you let me stay home? I knew I wasn't feeling well and you said I was being a lazy baby. You said I was making excuses and now I'm dead. Is that what you wanted Stephenie? Is that what you wanted, babe? Who's going to take care of Carrie now, huh? Who's going to bring home the bacon? Not you Stephenie. You're falling apart. You're falling apart and I'm just falling. And when I hit the ground I won't make a simple little splat on the sidewalk, I'll come down on the fence and my body will be severed in half. It will be a closed casket funeral and while you're standing above my remains it will occur to you that I could have been placed in two separate boxes. Whose fault do you think that is, huh babe? Do you have an answer for me? Huh? Do you or not? Do you know what I think? I think it's your fault I was chopped in half at the waist Stephenie. I think it's ALL YOUR FAULT.