She thought about the seminar the company held last autumn. ‘Taking responsibility for your life.’ She had felt energised afterwards; many truths had been uttered that sounded so simple though she had never thought of them herself.
Every moment I choose whether I want to be a victim or the creator of my own destiny.
Full of inspiration she had hurried home to tell Henrik about her experience. He had sat silently and listened, but when she offered to get tickets for the next lecture the man would be giving, he wasn’t interested.
What would you do if you were told you had six months left to live?
That was the question he opened the seminar with.
When it was over it hung in the air unanswered.
She still had done nothing about finding an answer.
On the way home she took a detour past Östermalms Market Hall, bought two lobsters at Elmqvist’s Fish Shop and then continued on to the wine shop on Birger Jarlsgatan.
She had booked the trip during lunch and had the tickets sent by courier to the office.
Everything was going to be fine again.
It was only four thirty when she got home. Axel’s jacket lay flung on the floor inside the front door, and she hung it up on the elephant-shaped hook that she had put up for him at the proper height.
She heard Henrik’s voice from the kitchen.
‘I have to go now. I’ll try to ring you a bit later.’
She took off her coat, hiding the bags with the lobsters and champagne inside the closet, and went up the stairs.
He was sitting at the kitchen table reading Dagens Nyheter. Next to him lay the cordless phone.
‘Hi.’
‘Hi.’
He kept looking at the newspaper. She closed her eyes. Why couldn’t he even make an effort? Why did he always leave the responsibility to her?
She tried to push aside her annoyance.
‘I came home a little earlier today.’
He raised his head and glanced at the digital clock on the microwave oven.
‘I can see that.’
‘I thought I’d drive Axel over to Mamma and Pappa’s and let him sleep there tonight.’
This time he looked up at her. A quick, embarrassed look.
‘Oh? Why?’
She tried to smile.
‘I’m not telling. You’ll see.’
For an instant she thought he looked almost scared.
‘Axel!’
‘I have to work tonight.’
‘Axel! Do you want to stay at Grandma and Grandpa’s tonight?’
Quick steps came running from the living room.
‘Yes!’
‘Come on then, let’s get you packed.’
The familiar drive out to Saltsjöbaden took only fifteen minutes. Axel sat quietly and expectantly in the back seat, and the temporary calm was enough for her to realise that she was nervous. She and Henrik hadn’t slept together since they were in London, and that was almost ten months ago. She actually hadn’t thought about it before now. Neither of them had taken the initiative and so neither of them had been rejected. They probably just hadn’t felt like it, it was no worse than that. And of course Axel always slept between them.
She drove up and parked on the paved driveway. Axel jumped out of the car and ran the short distance up to the porch.
She looked at her childhood home through the windscreen. Large and secure, the yellow turn-of-the-century house with its white gingerbread trim stood where it had always stood, surrounded by gnarled, well-pruned apple trees. In a couple of months they would be covered with white blossoms.
In a couple of months.
By then everything would be back to normal.
All she had to do was muster enough energy to fight a little harder.
Suddenly it occurred to her that she had to ring up the garage and make an appointment to have the winter tyres removed.
The front door opened and Axel disappeared inside. Eva climbed out of the car, took Axel’s bag from the back seat and went towards the house.
Her mother came out on the porch.
‘Hi, have you got time for a cup of coffee?’
‘No, I have to get back right away. Thanks for being able to take him on such short notice.’
She set the bag on the floor of the entryway and gave her mother a quick hug.
‘His toothbrush is in the outside pocket.’
‘Did something come up?’
‘Yes. Henrik got a new client, so we thought we should celebrate a little.’
‘Oh, how nice. Who’s the client?’
‘It’s some kind of series of articles for a big magazine, I don’t know exactly. Axel! I’m leaving now.’
‘I’ll pick him up in the morning. We have to leave by seven thirty if we’re going to make it.’
Axel popped up in the doorway, followed by her father.
‘Hi, sweetheart. You’re not leaving already, are you?’
‘Yes, otherwise I won’t make it.’
Her mother filled in the lie for her this time.
‘Henrik apparently got a great new job that they’re going to celebrate.’
‘There, you see. You’ll have to tell him congratulations from me. And what about you? How did it go with that merger you were having such problems with?’
‘Oh, that worked out fine. We managed to push it through at last.’
He stood in silence, smiling. Then he reached out his hand and put it on Axel’s head.
‘You know, Axel, you have a very talented mamma. When you grow up she’ll probably be just as proud of you as we’ve been of her.’
She suddenly felt like crying. Crawling into his lap and being little again. Not thirty-five and a management consultant and a mother responsible for saving her family. She had always been able to rely on them. A solid foundation. They had always believed in her, supported her, made her believe in her own abilities and that nothing was impossible.
This time there was nothing they could do.
This time she stood utterly alone.
How could she ever admit to them that Henrik might not want to live with their daughter any more. The one they were so proud of, the one who was so talented and strong and successful.
She squatted down in front of Axel and pulled him close to hide her uncertainty.
‘I’ll pick him up in the morning. Have a great time tonight.’
She forced a smile and went down the steps and over to her car. Through the windscreen she could see them standing on the porch and waving.
Together.
Pappa’s arm around Mamma’s shoulders. Forty years and they still stood there, side by side, content with their life and so proud of and grateful for their only daughter.
She would like to stand like that someday herself. It was this childhood home that she wanted to recreate for Axel. The security. A total faith that no matter what happened it would be there.
The family.
Unwavering.
It was what you could always fall back on if everything else went to hell. She had been privileged to grow up that way. With Mamma and Pappa always there if she needed them. Always ready to help out. And the older she got, the less she needed them, as long as she knew they would always be there.