“Don’t be. I did it. I got to live with it, but I don’t know if I regret it. I mean, I didn’t want to kill a goddamn baby, but…”
“But?”
“I guess it doesn’t matter. What’s done is done.”
“I’m not sure I could be ’at cold ’bout it, but ’at don’t mean I thank any less of you. I can say all kinds of shit ’bout this and ’at, ’bout what I would’ve did, but I don’t know. I ain’t judgin. Ain’t like I was happy ’bout ’em.”
“I didn’t ask for any of this shit, but neither did you or any of our friends. We have to make the best of it. More importantly, we have to stay alive by whatever means necessary.”
He filled his arms with the last bits of wood and was about to head out the door when he stopped. “Can I ask you, somethin?”
“Sure.”
“Why did you kill ’em?”
“They were happy.”
“Huh?”
“After we finished talking, and I started pulling the tape off Kelley, I happened to glance at Bob. He was happy as a fucking fiddle, and Kelley was looking at him like he was her senior prom date. The next thing I knew my hand was in my waistband… grabbing for the gun. I didn’t say anything. I don’t even remember being mad – may be crazy, but not mad. At that moment, it seemed like the right thing to do.”
The small wood stove wasn’t going to turn the cabin into a sauna, but it was a hell of a lot better than nothing. It also provided much-needed light that our quickly fading lamps couldn’t. We were going to have to restock on batteries soon, or we were going to have to evolve swiftly eyesight that allowed us to see in the pitch dark. Batteries weren’t all we needed. Food, water, diesel for the Ripsaw, and ammunition were on the shortlist of things we couldn’t do without.
Ammunition: the idea of a new reality where bullets for guns were right up there with food and water was something I really couldn’t square. I had killed three or four people with the bullets I’d used so far. How many more would I have to shoot and kill in the coming days? More bullets equated to more killing. That was something you didn’t usually have to think about.
I looked around at the haggard gathering. No one talked. Instead, everyone was content with eating their MREs, while staring aimlessly in a direction allowing them to avoid human interaction. What bothered me most, I think, was Sam’s pained face. On that day or night or however in the shit you wanted to classify it, he stared blank-eyed off in the distance. The only thing that defined him more than his mustache and colorful language was his infinite gregariousness. In that short moment of him letting his guard down, I saw the face of someone who was as afraid and affected by everything as the rest of us.
Then there was Tish. I was beginning to not trust her. Looking back, how she acted while I was gathering things up at the radar site fueled that distrust. I felt like she was watching me, making sure I didn’t have time to properly go through the soldiers’ belongings. She didn’t see me get the phone, I didn’t think, and I was going to make sure it stayed that way. Still, I was aggravated for thinking such thoughts, and I told myself I wasn’t going to let my unproven suspicions dictate how I treated her. Everybody handled things differently, I kept reminding myself.
Avery had a seat next to me. In between bites of whatever disgusting MRE he seemed to be enjoying way too much, he asked me about what I had seen at the radar base.
Between bites of my then tasteless and very much lukewarm macaroni and cheese, I said, “Mainly just the radar dish.”
“You said you thought it was Russian? How could you know that?”
Tish sighed, but I somehow managed to ignore her. “Probably because it had Russian lettering on it.”
“What did it look like?”
“It was hexagonal and solid, maybe a half foot thick. The camo was a digitized pattern… white, light blue, and light brown.”
“Odd,” he said, after thinking about it.
“What does that mean?”
Rare for Avery, he looked befuddled. “I am not sure.”
I finished eating the nasty macaroni and cheese. Needing to stand up, I grabbed some of the trash on the floor around us and placed it along with a couple pieces of firewood in the woodstove.
“Did you take inventory?” I asked Avery, but his mind was somewhere else. “Earth to Avery.”
He jerked his head toward me. “Yes… Uh, we have six MREs, two gallons of water, thirty rounds of 9mm, ninety rounds of 5.56, and thirty rounds of 7.62. We also have a box of shotgun shells with no shotgun and a box of .45 caliber pistol ammunition with no .45 caliber pistol.”
“Sam, can you translate that?”
“We have four AR 15s and the one M4 you got from the radar site. They use the five, five-six ammo. That means we have ’bout fifteen rounds each for ’em. That ain’t shit. The 7.62 is for the AK you was shootin. Those thirty rounds will fill one magazine. ’At’s it. We have, I think, three 9mm pistols.”
Avery interrupted. “We have two.”
Sam rolled his eyes. “I like how you pay ’tention when you get ta be a dick ’bout somthin.”
“What about batteries, Avery?” I quickly asked.
“What we have in the lanterns and headlamps is what we have. I believe one of the bags we left at Miley’s was a bag that held batteries and 5.56 ammunition.”
I sighed. “Great.”
“So, what are you working your way up to here, William? What’s the plan?” Titouan asked.
“I don’t have one yet, Titouan. That’s what we’re doing here, planning.”
Avery had Kelley’s phone out and looking at it. “With what you saw at the radar site, it is even more important that I be able to see what kind of information is on this phone. I need a charge cord and a Korean Language book from the library.”
Tish began shaking her head. “Miley had the right idea. I say we get diesel, head straight to Prudhoe Bay, and then jet on down to Fairbanks.”
Avery looked towards the ceiling, which was a clear sign he was doing math in his head. “As the crow flies, I would estimate Prudhoe Bay being two hundred to two-hundred-fifty miles away. That means we need a tank of diesel plus a little extra for good measure.”
“Well, let’s grab the diesel and go,” she said.
I slowly lowered myself to the floor, before saying the hell with it and allowed gravity to do with my body as it chose. The floor creaked as my ass smacked against the shoddy floor, Avery shouldering some of the blow as I nearly fell over on him. Sam chuckled. I mouthed “fuck you” to him before getting serious again.
“We’re on our own, Tish. There’s no one to save us. If we break down on the way without food and water, we’re screwed. Prudhoe Bay is a great idea, but only if we’re smart about it.”
“You think going to the library and getting a book is a particularly smart thing to do?” she countered.
“That phone has information that could potentially help us stay alive.”
She shook her head. “If we can go to Fairbanks, I’m sure there will be someone who could legitimately analyze it. There is a real military base there.”
“I don’t disagree.” Avery looked saddened to hear I was agreeing about letting someone else look at the phone. “But what if there are no bases in Fairbanks? Hell, what if there are no bases anywhere?”
She laughed. “In that case, it won’t matter either way, then, will it, William?”
“I don’t think it’s particularly funny, but, yeah, it matters to us.”
“What if we get killed trying to get the book?”
I rubbed my temples. I was getting a massive headache. “What are we going to eat when the MREs are gone, Tish? We have to go to Barrow anyway. Why not spend an extra few minutes getting the book?”
Avery chimed in. “If I didn’t have the access code, I could not break this phone. I am not sure anyone could. I have it. Not only can I read the messages on this phone, but I can also get to the underlying code. In my mind, I do not see how the added time looking for a book is not warranted, given the potential upside.”