With gentle fingers I touch his swollen nose.
"Oh that feels good." He closes his eyes. "Nice and cold."
My heart skips a beat as he raises his hand and places it on top of mine. He hovers above it making sure not to fall straight through my fingers. His eyes open and he gives me a long, steady gaze.
"Want to come home with me?"
I listen for sounds of my parents' conversation. It's getting heated, but that's not why I want to say yes.
I let go of his nose and reach for his hand. He senses what I'm doing and spreads his fingers.
"Let's go."
With a soft smile, he opens the door and we walk into the cool night air.
CHAPTER NINETEEN
When we reach his house, we climb the stairs in silence. Dale closes the door behind him and I take a seat on his bed.
"Where's Jester?"
"He's been banished for the day after peeing on Mom's Persian."
I chuckle and move further back on the bed as Dale lies down on his back. I lay down so my head is resting near his then roll onto my side so I can see him. He turns in my direction.
"I wish I could touch you right now."
"Why?"
For some reason that makes me nervous. Plenty of other boys have said that to me before and I've always given in. I don't want it to be like that with Dale. Not that I can actually sleep with him right now, but if I could and I did... would he speak to me in the morning?
My voice shakes as I ask, "What would you do?"
"Well," Dale smiles, "you know your long bangs, how they always fall forward and cover up your left eye?"
I nod.
Dale moves to his side, so we're lying face to face. "I'd tuck them behind your ear and make sure you were looking at me so I could tell you that I don't think you're horrible, I think you're amazing."
"No you don't." I scoff.
He grins at me.
"I think that's another reason why I was so annoyed this morning. All the people you choose to hang out with have no idea who you really are. They're spending too much time bringing out the worst in you to discover how awesome you can be."
"I'm not awesome, Dale."
"Yes you are. I asked around... talked to your old friends. One of them told me you used to write these amazing poems. Brody, the guy from your English class, said you used to invite everyone over for these movie marathons and your mom would cook enough popcorn to feed a country."
I smile as I remember the large bowls we used to fill to overflowing. Popcorn would be found for days afterwards, shoved behind couch cushions, hidden under the rug. Dad would get so riled and Mom would just giggle and shake her head... then Jody would start eating it.
"Lisa from your dance class said you guys would spend hours choreographing moves and performing these recitals for your parents. And Jake from Graphics said you used to read books and then redesign their covers. And-"
"That's enough Dale." Far out. Had he been playing reporter all day?
"Don't you see, Nicky? You're brilliant."
I think about all the covers I had spent hours designing on photoshop. It's what I wanted to do with my life, become a graphic designer and work for authors all over the globe. I used to spend hours in bookstores studying covers, pointing out things I liked and would have done differently to anyone who would listen. My mother used to accuse me of being obsessed. I used to pin my designs up all over my walls.
The summer after Jody died, I ripped them all down and threw them away.
I lick my lips and look to the ceiling.
Shaking my head, I sigh. "When Jody died my whole family shut down. We had nothing to say to each other."
I could hardly tell them the truth about that day. I swallow and shoot a nervous glance at Dale. Thankfully he can't see me.
"I didn't know what to do. I was so lost and when I got to high school, Brad Schuman noticed me. He thought I was cute... or vulnerable, I don't know. When he started flirting with me, I couldn't resist. He was the first person to talk to me and not follow it up with some sympathetic look or awkward hug. He pulled me into his life and just made me forget about everything. Once I slept with Chris all the girls thought I was cool and all the guys thought I was easy. It was a done deal after that." I grimace at the memories. “Before this happened, I would have sworn I'd be lost without them."
"Pretty big wake up call, huh?"
I turn back to look at him.
"Anything like yours?"
He wrinkles his nose.
"Come on. What were you like before the scars?"
Dale's laugh is cold and hard.
"Awful. I was a little shit." He swallows. "My mom was sixteen when she had my sister. It was pretty bad. Dad was a senior heading off to seminary and they made a mistake. Mom was whisked away to live with her grandparents and they never thought they'd see each other again. Ten years later they bumped into each other and got married before anyone could stop them... and then I came along.
“They had so much to prove. So many people against them. I think they were just afraid that if they weren't super strict that Rachel and I would make the same mistakes."
He sighs.
"Rachel didn't care, she was such a good kid and loved following the rules. I felt suffocated. When I turned thirteen I started hanging out with the bad kids at school, just to stress my mom out. They didn't know what to do with me."
He starts picking at a thread on the pocket of his jeans.
"I was thirteen when I started smoking, a few months later I picked up alcohol and then came the joy riding. We'd break into really nice cars and drive as fast as we could around the back roads. Then we'd ditch them in the woods and run home laughing. It was a rush. We nearly got caught by the cops a couple of times."
His face bunches with pain as he goes quiet.
"What?" I touch his frown lines, trying to smooth them away. He looks at me, his eyes filling with a sorrow he'll never fully be rid of. He closes his eyes and sighs.
"I wasn't driving the night of the accident. I was squished into the back seat with two other guys. I don't know what happened. We hit something and tumbled down a hill. The guy next to me went straight through the windshield. It took an hour for the driver to die and then another two before the guy next to him stopped moaning. I don't know when Hugh died. He was in the seat across from me and spent about an hour screaming that his leg hurt. I couldn't do anything. I was pinned. My face was caught on something sharp and nasty. Every time I tried to move, I thought I might rip my head off and my shoulder was just radiating pain. I didn't think I'd ever be able to use it again."
I blink at tears as I listen to his story. His voice is detached as he runs through the rest of the details.
"Eventually it got really, really quiet. I knew it was only a matter of time before I joined these guys and I knew I deserved to go to hell. I don't know why, but I just started talking out loud. I wanted to live, so I started pleading."
"With who?"
"God." A gentle smile crosses his face. "I told him if I survived this I would make it worth his while. I'd stop wasting the life he'd given me and start using it for good."
He looks serious as he nods.
"I think about it every day... and every day it motivates me."
I thought I liked him before this story, now he's moved up another few notches and all I want to do is be close to him. I shuffle to his side, wanting to curl into his arms, but knowing I can't. I rest my knee against his leg.