"I must make it brief, Carolan. But you must understand that I cannot convey everything in the short time I have. You must see beyond my words. You must visualize a happy childhood; you must see everything that was mine. A good home, tender parents, an excellent education ... right up to the time I was fourteen. Then my father died. My mother was a dear woman, a tender woman, but an unwise woman. A year after my father's death, she sought to replace him. My stepfather? Ah! What stories I could tell you of that man. But I waste my words. Suffice it that, in less than a year after that disastrous marriage, my mother was dead. Her money was his; I had nothing. He had arranged it so.
Sometimes I think he arranged her death. That sounds melodramatic, Carolan, but it is nevertheless true. I was alone; I was penniless. I stole some money from my stepfather and came to London. What dreams I had. You can well imagine what they were. I would make a fortune at the gaming-table, for were there not fortunes to be made in London! I will not harass you with my adventures; perhaps one day, in the secure, rich times ahead I may tell you. I will not tell you how I sank and sank. There is a life here in this great city of which I hope you will never know. I shall not tell you. Have you ever heard of a thieves' kitchen, Carolan? It is a place... they abound here... where one is taught to pick pockets. These hands of mine -sensitive, are they not?
Once they were to have been a musician's hands; now they are pickers of pockets. They learned well. Ah! I was as apt a pupil with a pocket as I ever was with the spinet. I was caught, Carolan." He paused to smile at her. Here "We can at least guide our footsteps upon the safest paths!”
He laid his hands on her shoulders.
"Why, you tremble, child! I am safe now; I am not such a fool as I was ... I shall not again be so easily caught. I am too wily now. The memory of that is too strong within me. You thought I was thirty, Carolan, and I am barely twenty-four. You see the lines about my face, do you not?
That is what transportation does to you, Carolan. That is what stifling in the stinking hold of a convict ship for months on end does for you, Carolan. Oh, Carolan ... Carolan, see me as I might have been had my father lived. A happy youth ... for twenty-four is not so very old. A young man of substance, a fit companion for you, Carolan. And see me now ... see me now.
See me as I should have been... not as life has made me!”
Her eyes were swimming with tears.
"You have suffered very much, Marcus. And I have hurt you; I am so stupid, so ignorant! There is so much I do not know.”
"And never shall know! I am sorry I had to speak of these things to you, Carolan. I would have it that you never knew of their existence.”
"Life is very cruel to some, Marcus.”
"It is also kind.”
"You can say that?”
"I can say it now, because I see that though I have told you so little, you have seen beyond my words. I see that when I come to that happy parsonage home I shall be welcomed in like an old friend.”
"You will," said Carolan.
"You will! But, Marcus, this is folly surely! To go on with this ... after that...”
His eyes lit up.
"The risk! The excitement! The adventure! And the hope, of course, that one day... one day ... I shall settle down to security; that is when my eyes are not so sharp and my hands not so quick. Tonight you have made me wonder if that day is not approaching!”
"Marcus, how I wish I could do something! Words are such inadequate things; it is easy to talk sympathy ... but I feel it, Marcus, I feel it.”
"You are right when you say words are inadequate; there can be so much behind them .. or just nothing at all. If! What a word! If my father had not died! If I had been an honest man, and if you had not been engaged to many a parson. Ah, Carolan! What a word it is!”
He had moved closer to her, and his eyes were brilliant.
"Oh, come!" she said coldly, for she was a little afraid of that passion in him.
"I know you well, Marcus; you have had many adventures of all kinds.
You seek adventure right and left; at Vauxhall Gardens and here in my father's shop among these musty old coats. Do not think I cannot understand.”
His hands hung at his sides, and a smile turned up the corners of his mouth.
"An adventurer! That is what you think of me, eh?”
"I fear so, Marcus. What would happen to you if they found the purse in your possession?”
He made a gesture to indicate the tying of a rope about his neck.
"Or," he added, "I might be sent back to Botany Bay.”
"Marcus, you have suffered a good deal. You would prefer the hanging?”
"Never! Life is sweet; it is only those who have been in danger of losing it who know how sweet. Carolan, but now you know this, what now?”
"I cannot say. But of one thing I am certain; you must give this up.
If you were caught, Marcus, if you were caught...”
"You would care so much?”
"One does not like to think of a friend with a noose about his neck!”
"You still think of me as a friend?”
"What rubbish you talk!”
"Carolan, I shall always remember.”
"And you will not... run these risks ?”
"I will think on it very seriously.”
"You have some money?”
"A little.”
"It is cheap, living in the country. You could work.”
He looked down at his hands, and grimaced.
"Perhaps there will be one very like you, Carolan.”
"I think you do not take this very seriously.”
"It is a mistake to take life seriously. Is it not by laughing at things serious that we render them ridiculous?"
"I wish you had not lied about the handkerchief you stole from me.”
"I... lied?”
"You said it was the first offence.”
"Indeed it was!”
"And the purse? And the many, many others?”
Those were stolen from society, a society which is rotten and decayed, a society which made me what I am. The handkerchief was stolen from you.”
Then you are sorry for having stolen it?”
"I could wish that you had given it.”
"You anger me, Marcus. You are no fool; surely there are ways in which you could earn a living!”
"A man who returns from Botany Bay has not much chance, Carolan.”
"But surely, having taken your punishment...”
He smiled at her wistfully.
"Carolan, one day I shall tell you the story of my life. It will run into many chapters.”
"I shall look forward to hearing it. I want to understand. But in the meantime you frighten me ... What if...”
"Never fear, Carolan! I shall not be caught; I am too old a hand! It is not the hardened sinner who is most frequently caught, believe me!”
She shivered, and he went on softly: "Carolan, it is sweet to see you so concerned for me. I could almost be glad I am what I am, to so earn your sweet sympathy.”
She stamped her foot.
"How foolish you are! How ridiculous! I dislike that exaggerated talk, those honeyed compliments. You are glad you are a thief so that I can be sorry for you! I assure you I am not... not in the least, when you talk in that strain!”
"Now I adore you! Why is it that an angry woman can be so enchanting ... if she is beautiful? Of course an ugly angry woman is a vile object, but if she be beautiful... If, again, you see... that little word!”
Carolan turned away, tears smarting in her eyes. She felt weary and depressed.
"Why did you come here tonight?" she demanded. To see my father?”
"When I come here," he said slowly, 'it is always in the hope of seeing you.”
"I believe I heat his footsteps. He is coming up from below.”
"Carolan ..." He caught her hand and looked at her pleadingly.