“I'll call a couple of painters today.”
“I thought you already had an estimate.”
“That was over a year ago. Prices have probably gone up. And besides, I'm not sure it was the cheapest one I could have gotten-”
“Cheapest is not always best. What about Dave?”
“What?”
“How come he hasn't been to see me?”
The pathways that my mother's mind follows are twisted and impossible to chart. Suddenly I felt weary and went to sit on the chair by the bed.
“Well,” Mama said, “did you have a fight or what?”
“We didn't have a fight. It's just that.…” I stopped, feeling trapped by the web of motherhood that they weave and throw over you. “Dave and I broke up.”
Mama's brow knit. “Broke up? You broke up with him?”
“He broke up with me.”
“Por Dios, por que?” When Mama gets upset, she usually starts speaking in Spanish.
“He said it wasn't working out. I don't know why.”
Mama became silent, picking at the border of the blanket with her fingernails. Then she said, in English again, “I think that should be pretty clear to you.”
“What does that mean?”
“Well, take a good look at the two of you. Dave's an Anglo-”
“Mama, you're the only one who thinks that's a problem.”
She went on as if I hadn't spoken. “And he was raised different from you. He's from a nice middle-class Anglo family, and they never had trouble making ends meet. He expects different things from life than you do.”
“That's not true!”
She sighed. “Oh, Elena, you were always fighting over those differences.”
“We were not!”
“Think about it.” Mama held up her hand and began to tick items off on her fingers. “Last winter when you went away for five days: You wanted to go to San Francisco, see some shows, eat in some new restaurants. Why? Because those were the things we never could afford to do when you were growing up. But Dave is used to shows and nice restaurants; instead he wanted to go skiing, which is something no Oliverez has ever considered doing. You went to San Francisco, but not until you'd had a terrible battle. And I have a feeling neither of you had much fun. Then, a few months ago, he bought some expensive camera equipment. Remember? You said you thought it was extravagant and unnecessary. So he turned around and told you that he thought your buying the Candelario cloud sculpture to go with the sun face was stupid. You didn't speak for days after that.”
It was true, but then Dave had only been learning about Mexican art, and Candelario's works could be a little bizarre. Besides, I'd had no business telling him how to spend his money-and I'd admitted as much.
“Even Christmas was almost spoiled by those differences,” Mama added. “Dave told you your tree was gaudy. And he didn't say anything, but when we all went to Jesse Herrera's party, I sensed he was secretly laughing at the nacimiento.”
I didn't contradict her, because I, too, had sensed that. Jesse's nacimiento-the boxlike Christmas scene many of our people place in their front windows-had been especially beautiful, containing not only the traditional manger, but also miniatures of some of Jesse's own animal creations, the fantastical papier-mache camaleones. One of the highlights of the party had been the adoration of the figure of the Christ child before it was placed in the manger, and I'd felt Dave found it all very foreign. Well, it was very Mexican. But very American, too.
“So you see,” Mama went on triumphantly, “you and Dave were always having trouble. It comes as no surprise to me that you broke up.”
My temper flared at her smug look, but I tried to control it. After all, she was not yet a well woman. “Dave and I never had any serious problems,” I said mildly.
“Yes, you did.”
“We did not!” So much for mildness.
“You just refuse to see them.”
The anger I'd been holding in check broke loose. Why did Mama always have to have the last righteous word? Who was she to talk about refusing to see things? Look at the way she'd been acting since she'd been in the hospital!
I stood up and said, “Is that so? You're a fine one to talk. I'm not the only one in this family who refuses to see the obvious.”
“And what do you mean by that?”
“I mean you. You're also denying reality. Ever since you got sick, you've been lying there and acting shocked that you have an ulcer and feeling sorry for yourself. You've been pretending you were never sick before, when you know that just isn't so. And you've been making Nick and Carlota and me miserable. You've got to face facts, Mama-and one of those is that you'll have to take better care of yourself in the future!”
Mama's eyes grew wide, and then she looked down at the covers. Her mouth began to work, and her roughened fingers squeezed together spasmodically.
My anger evaporated. I felt sorry for her, sorry I'd hurt her, and I wanted to take her in my arms and pet her and tell her I didn't mean a word of it.
But I had meant it-as much as she'd meant what she'd said about Dave and me. We'd both needed to say what had been said.
Tears began to slip down Mama's cheeks. Horrified, I turned and fled before I began to cry myself.
TWO
When I left the hospital, I automatically drove toward the museum. But as I waited in a long line of left-turning cars on Route 101 near the central district, I calmed down long enough to take a good look at what I was doing.
I've always been ruled by a tyrannical work ethic, and when I'm upset, I plunge into one chore or another to take my mind off my problems. But this was supposed to be my vacation, and in spite of that I'd already been in to the office once. Today I'd resolved to stay away from the place, and now I reaffirmed that promise to myself. I'd go for a drive instead and try to sort out my feelings about the unhappy events of the last few days. Probably part of the reason I'd flared up at Mama was because I was overworked.
I twisted the wheel of the car to the right and shot out of the turn lane into the path of an oncoming van. Its driver leaned on the horn, and in my rearview mirror, I saw him shake his fist. I made an apologetic gesture with my hand, and he shook his head and mouthed the word “women.” But when I moved into the right-hand lane, he passed me and waved.
I followed 101 as it looped around the business district, then got off on Milpas Street and drove up into the hills, following Foothill Road and looking at the nice houses. I thought about my own house and how I really should call some painters. I wondered if I would ever be able to afford to move away from the old neighborhood, buy something higher up with a view; then I wondered if I even wanted to do that. If I had more money, I'd probably just remodel the kitchen and bathroom, maybe build a deck….
Of course I wasn't fooling myself. I hadn't really come up here to lust after the real estate. A mile or so ahead. Foothill intersected with San Marcos Pass Road. And that route would lead to Las Lomas.
I don't normally like to just drop in on people, and I hate for friends to drop in on me. But I sensed Sam Ryder was the type of person who would welcome a surprise visit. Besides, I didn't intend to stay long; I just wanted to ask him a few questions, one of which was where Arturo Melendez lived. Then I'd stop at Arturo's and ask him if he'd like to make the promised pilgrimage to the ruins of Rancho Rinconada de los Robles. While we were there we could discuss a possible showing of his paintings at the museum.
When I arrived, the village once again looked deserted, but its small dwellings and unkempt square seemed more pleasant to me today, as any place will once you know good people who live there. I parked in front of Sam's house and followed the path through the weeds to the porch. Apparently he had heard the car because he came to the door before I knocked.