“Is it sour grapes?” the shrink asked her bluntly.
“I don’t know.” Victoria was always honest with her.
“What do you want, Victoria?” the doctor pressed her. She knew it was time to do that now. Victoria was ready. “Not for her. For yourself.”
“I don’t know,” she said again, but the doctor knew better.
“Yes, you do. Stop worrying about your sister. Think of yourself. Why are you back here? What do you want?” Tears filled Victoria’s eyes as she listened to the question. She did know. She was just afraid to say it, or admit it to herself.
“I want a life,” she said softly. “I want a man in my life. I want what my sister wants. The difference is I’m old enough to have it, and I never will.” Her voice suddenly grew stronger, and she felt braver. “I want a life, a man, and I want to lose twenty-five pounds by next June, or at least twenty.” It was clear.
“What’s happening in June?” The doctor looked puzzled.
“Her wedding. I’m the maid of honor. I don’t want everyone to feel sorry for me because I’m a loser. Her fat spinster older sister. That’s not who I want to be at her wedding.”
“Okay. That’s fair. We’ve got a year to work on it. That sounds reasonable to me,” the psychiatrist said, smiling at her. “There are three projects here. ‘A life,’ you said, and you have to define what that means to you. A man. And your weight. We’ve got work to do.”
“Okay,” Victoria said with a quaver in her voice. It was an emotional moment for her. She had had an epiphany. She was tired of not having what she wanted, and not even admitting it to herself because she thought she didn’t deserve it, because her parents had told her so. “I’m ready.”
“I think you are,” the doctor said, looking pleased, as she glanced at the clock behind Victoria’s shoulder. “See you next week?” Victoria nodded, suddenly aware of all that she had to do. This was bigger than a wedding. She had to go on a serious weight-loss program, and do whatever she had to do to keep it off this time. She had to make an effort to get out in the world and meet men, and dress for the part. And open her life to other opportunities, people, places, things, everything she had been longing for but never had had the courage to do. This was scarier than when she’d moved to New York, and harder to organize than any wedding. But she knew she had to do it. When Gracie got married, Victoria would be thirty. By then she wanted her dream too, not just Gracie’s.
She walked back from the doctor’s office feeling empowered. She walked into the apartment, went straight to the kitchen, and started cleaning out the fridge. She started with the freezer and threw all the frozen pizzas and eight pints of ice cream into the garbage. As she was doing it, Harlan and John walked in. John was working at the museum with him that summer, during summer break from school.
“Oh shit, this looks serious,” Harlan said, looking at her in amazement. The chocolate candy she’d brought home from a school party went next, and a cheesecake she had left in the fridge half eaten. “Is there a message here, or are you just doing spring cleaning?”
“I’m losing twenty-five pounds by June, and keeping them off this time.”
“Is there some reason for this resolution?” he asked cautiously, as John reached into the fridge and took out two beers. He opened them and handed one to Harlan and took a swig of his own. It tasted good. But beer wasn’t her thing. She preferred wine, which was fattening too. “A new guy maybe?” Harlan asked her, looking hopeful.
“That too. I just haven’t met him yet.” She turned to face them as she closed the freezer door. “Gracie’s getting married in June. I’m not going to be the maid of honor at that wedding, twenty-five pounds overweight and living like an old maid. I went back to my shrink.”
“This sounds like Sherman’s march on Georgia,” Harlan said, looking pleased for her. This was exactly what she needed and had for years. He’d been losing hope for her recently. Her eating habits were as bad as ever, and her weight never changed. “You go, girl! Let us know if there’s anything we can do.”
“No more ice cream. No pizza. I’ll do the treadmill. I’ll go to the gym. Maybe Weight Watchers. A nutritionist. A hypnotist. Whatever it takes, I’ll do it.”
“Who’s Gracie marrying, by the way? Isn’t she a little young? She just graduated last week.”
“She’s way too young, and it’s totally stupid. My father loves him because he’s rich. It’s the same guy she’s been dating for four years.”
“That’s too bad. But you never know. Maybe it’ll work.”
“I hope so for her. She’s going to give up her whole identity to marry him. But it’s what she wants, or thinks she does.”
“It’s a long way till June. A lot could happen by then.”
“That’s true,” she said with a fierce light in her eye that he hadn’t seen in years, maybe ever. She was on a holy mission. “I’m counting on it. I have one year to get my life and body into shape.”
“You can do it,” Harlan said with conviction.
“I know I can,” she said, and finally believed it, wondering what had taken her so long. For twenty-nine years she had believed her parents, that she was ugly, fat, and doomed to failure because she was unlovable. And she suddenly realized that just because they said it, or thought so, didn’t mean that it was true. She was bound and determined now to shed the shackles they had put on her. All she wanted now was to be free.
She signed up at Weight Watchers the next day, and came home with instructions and a scale for food. And she enrolled at a new gym the day after. They had beautiful machines, a weight room, a dance studio, a sauna, and a pool. Victoria went there every day. She jogged around the reservoir every morning. She followed her diet diligently, and went in to be weighed once a week. She talked to Gracie nearly every day about the wedding, and her mother more than she wanted to. It was all they thought about now. Victoria called it Wedding Fever. She had lost nine pounds by the first day of school, and she felt good. She was in shape. She still had a long way to go. She had reached a plateau, but she was determined not to get discouraged. She’d been there before. Many times. But this time she was not going to let go, and she was seeing her shrink regularly. They were talking about her parents, her hopes for her sister, and they were finally talking about what she wanted for herself. She had never done that before.
Her students felt the difference in her too. She was stronger and more sure of herself. Helen and Carla told her they were proud of her.
Victoria was annoyed that her sister wasn’t working and hadn’t since graduation. She wasn’t even looking for a job now that she was engaged, which Victoria didn’t think was good for her, or her self-esteem. She said she had no time, but Victoria knew there was more to life than just planning a wedding, and being married to a wealthy man. Her shrink told her it wasn’t her problem, and to concentrate on herself, so she was. But her concern for her sister troubled her too.