The sex advice books written by porn stars all assert that being involved in prostitution and pornography makes you an authority on sex, in particular, good sex, sex that should be emulated. Flowing from this premise are sections that offer hints and tips to women on how to improve their own sex lives, based on the experiences of women in prostitution and pornography. As Monet puts it: “You will learn the sexual techniques that are the staple of the paid sexual services” (Monet, 2005, p. viii). This poses a serious problem for women as these are sex tips based on a system which involves inherent power imbalance, a system where for the most part, men are the buyers and women are the bought (Barry, 1995; Jeffreys, 1997). It is a system in which women are paid to sexually service men with no regard for their own pleasure (Barry, 1995). A system in which women are often terribly physically abused, suffer from dissociation, and frequently also post-traumatic stress disorder (Farley, 2003). It is a system in which women’s inequality is fixed (Jeffreys, 1997). And yet it is this model that is held up for women to mimic in their own sexual lives.
There are some, including the authors of these pro-pornography texts, who try to argue instead that prostitution and pornography are liberating and can accommodate and promote women’s pleasure and equality (see for example McElroy, 1995; Monet, 2005; Royalle, 2004; Strossen, 1995). But the advice offered in these texts so often shows just how misleading such arguments are.
Mirroring the sex therapy literature, there are frequent messages in porn star authored texts that reiterate the importance of trying something for a partner or questioning certain inhibitions. One example of this comes from Royalle’s How To Tell a Naked Man What To Do. She states: “Don’t ever feel like you must do something that you don’t want to do. However, it’s always good to be open and at least give something a try. You might want to ask yourself exactly why you don’t want to watch x-rated movies…” (2004, p. 65). Royalle then explains to women, that once they have agreed to watch pornography, they will most likely be required to watch things they do not want to: “Maybe he wants something nasty and you want something softer… It’s simple: take turns! And don’t do it begrudgingly” (Royalle, 2004, p. 70). Indeed the assumption that women will initially not want to participate in the type of sex acts that are recommended is evident in most of this sort of sex advice literature. For example, Monet advises women to “[g]ive yourself a chance to get past your initial embarrassment or perhaps feelings of distain” (Monet, 2005, p. 130). The authors of How to Have a XXX Sex Life also offer advice on “freeing yourself of guilt and inhibitions” (Anderson and Berman, 2004, p. x). The suggestion is, of course, that these feelings of distain or unease about re-enacting acts of prostitution, or mimicking pornography, are somehow unfounded. Women are not entitled to feel this way, and need to work on overcoming their ‘inhibitions’. Pornography is the predictable tool suggested to help women learn more appropriate ‘sex positive’ reactions.
In How to Have a XXX Sex Life the authors actively encourage women to copy dialogue straight from pornographic films. They are also rather blunt in declaring the sexual appeal of the degradation involved, explaining that: “When most people think of ‘talking dirty’ they think of using nasty, even degrading language to make it hot. When it works, it works well” (Anderson and Berman, 2004, p. 49, my emphasis). For useful examples, readers are directed to watch the pornographic film Swoosh because “the talk is raunchier, with lines ‘Is that what you want, you filthy fucking whore?’ Or ‘Take it bitch’” (Anderson and Berman, 2004, p. 49).
In a further cross over between pornography and sex therapy, similar advice on ‘dirty talk’ is given by the renowned Australian sexologist Gabrielle Morrissey in her popular sex self-help book Urge: Hot secrets for great sex (2005). Morrissey states that dirty talk is “designed to arouse”, and to support this contention she offers the scenario of a man telling his female partner to: “Bring your wet cunt over here, I want to fuck it good…” (Morrissey, 2005, p. 442). It is not made clear if Morrissey believes this statement to be arousing to men, women, or both, but she does acknowledge that in non-sexual contexts women may find such a statement deeply offensive. She notes: “A woman in the bedroom may find it horny for her man to shout ‘Fuck you’re a nasty bitch yeah’, but if he growled anything like that in the kitchen, he’d probably receive a walloping…” She further explains: “Tone, intent and context are everything” (p. 424). The context is important because, according to both sex therapists and the pornographers, the degradation and subordination of women is acceptable as long as it is sexual. While Morrissey claims women should not be degraded or verbally abused in the kitchen, the bedroom is placed beyond claims of respect and equality.
Which returns us again to the problem of basing sex advice on a model of sexuality that is not about women’s sexual pleasure but about women’s sexual subordination. While sex therapy has long afforded pornography some form of legitimacy, the processes of pornification seem to have fuelled this to a point where porn stars are now becoming understood as the ultimate sex experts. As pornography and sex therapy continue to provide mutually reinforcing understandings of what sex should be, it makes it increasingly difficult for women to step outside this model and make claims to a sexuality which is based on equality and respect, one that fundamentally rejects pornography as an authority on sex. But while it may be increasingly difficult to challenge this model, it is also increasingly important that we try.
Bibliography
Anderson, Dan and Maggie Berman (with The Vivid Girls) (2004) How to Have a XXX Sex Life. Harper Collins, New York.
Attwood, Feona (2005) ‘Tits and Ass and Porn and Fighting: Male heterosexuality in magazines for men’ International Journal of Cultural Studies 8 (1), pp. 77–94.
Baker, Jo-Anne (Ed) (1999) Sex Tips: Advice from women experts around the world. Allen and Unwin, London.
Barry, Kathleen (1995) The Prostitution of Sexuality. New York University Press, New York.
Black, Jules (2006) ‘The Joy of Erotic Massage: Review’ Sexual and Relationship Therapy, 21 (1), pp. 117–118.
Davies, Guy and Anthony Wonke (13 July, 2000) ‘We Want Porn’ The Guardian, London.
Dines, Gail (2010) Pornland: How Porn Has Hijacked Our Sexuality. Beacon Press, Boston, MA; Spinifex Press, North Melbourne.
Dworkin, Andrea (1981) Pornography: Men possessing women. The Women’s Press, London.
Eberwein, Robert (1999) Sex Ed: Film, video and the framework of desire. Rutgers University Press, Piscataway, NJ.
Farley, Melissa (Ed) (2003) Prostitution, Trafficking and Traumatic Stress. Harworth Press, New York.