The only thing which broke the monotony were the cups of tea and the meals which Grawl gave him. Preparation took all of a minute, and Norton really envied the few minutes of distraction which Grawl found every day.
Days became weeks. Counting was Norton’s only pastime, but every addition was even more depressing. There seemed to be enough supplies on board the lifeboat for a lifetime. Both their lifetimes.
Had he lived so long for this? To be cast adrift on the endless ocean of space for the rest of his life?
The long voyage grew even longer.
CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX
“Welcome to my humble spacecraft, your majesty,” the first fat alien said to her. “Your wondrous presence lights up the whole ship.”
“Your divine being illuminates the entire galaxy,” the second fat alien said to her.
“Shut your toxic aperture!” said the first fat alien to the second fat alien. “I am captain, and I am talking to the transcendent princess. Please forgive this obscene intrusion, your terrific excellency.”
“You fetid excrement!” said the second fat alien to the first fat alien. “I am the one who is on duty. Not that it is a duty to greet your imperial magnificence, but rather the greatest privilege of my entire life.”
The two aliens were both identical, both almost spherical. Round scaly heads balanced on top of round scaly bodies. Grey on grey, with huge grey eyes. Small and squat, reptilian and repulsive.
Who were they? What were they doing here?
Also, where was here!
And what was she doing here?
She said nothing, did nothing, and tried to remember.
One of the round aliens said, “My whole existence has been a prelude to this moment. Having reached this pinnacle of achievement, from hereafter my career is on the decline.”
The other round alien said, “You must ignore my insubstantial crew, your great greatness. I will have it expelled into space like the putrid garbage it is. Say the word, and I shall also step out into the void so the entire ship can be yours and you are not contaminated by my wretched self.”
“Please, your acclaimed wonderfulness, ignore this anorexic peasant. If such is your wish, of course. Whatever your glorious self commands or desires, it is yours. While you are on board, this ship is your ship and I am your captain,” said the other spherical alien.
“No,” continued the previous one, “I am your esteemed luminescence’s captain. It was I who came to the rescue of your unique superlativeness. I seek no compensation for all my exertions and expenses, although if your prestigious self were to offer a reward for your salvation I would not be so rude and ignorant as to refuse any such tokens of gratitude.”
She was on board their spaceship. They had rescued her.
But what had they rescued her from?
She felt exhausted, unable to stand, hardly even able to move. Although there were only two of the grotesque aliens, she was surrounded. The creatures kept rolling from side to side, wobbling all around her, and she couldn’t tell which was which. As they were exactly the same, it made no real difference.
She had found herself in a huge spherical room which was so bright she had to narrow her eyes, and yet it was a negative light which seemed to defy the laws of physics. The vast room was so bright that it was almost dark. The aliens were grey, and so was she, but they all cast brilliant shadows against the curved floor, the distant walls, the high ceiling.
The shape of the room seemed very familiar, reminding her of somewhere else, somewhere much smaller.
She tried to remember where it was.
And who she was.
“Does your majestic majesty understand me?” said one of the round creatures.
“Yes,” she replied.
“Paradise!” said the alien which had last spoken. “Did you hear that, you emaciated dirtbrain? Our honoured guest addressed me. Me! Not you.”
“Can you hear me?” said the other grey alien, as it bobbed up and down and around. “Can you hear me? Can you? Can you?”
“Yes,” she repeated, “I can hear you.”
“Heaven, absolute heaven!” said the same alien. “This revered high personage can also hear me, you malnourished bacteria.”
Their heads were gnarled and wrinkled with creases and cracks which could have been eyes and ears and noses, but there was nothing which moved like a mouth while they spoke. The sounds the aliens made seemed to come from deep within them, echoing and gurgling upward through layers of bubbling fat.
They were only half her height, although probably four times her weight, and she wondered if she should have been scared of them. She was too confused even to be nervous.
“Have you found the correct reference yet, you virulent wart?” said the other alien, or perhaps the one who had just spoken.
“Here it is, you starving excuse for a life.”
For the first time, the two round creatures became still, gazing up at an array of multicoloured lights which hovered in the air a few metres above their round heads.
“This odd being does not look like an Algolan,” said one of them.
“Maybe it is a bad picture, germ-features,” said the other. “Try a different reference work.”
The lights blinked out, to be replaced a moment later by another rainbow of luminescence. The aliens remained motionless, staring at the glow.
While they looked up, she looked for an escape route. She wasn’t in danger, not yet, but that might not last. Even if she could recognise a way out, that might be even more risky.
Her body was slumped, her shoulders stooped, and her knees bent. She tried shifting her legs to become more comfortable. They would hardly move. It was as if her feet were stuck to the floor, which made the idea of escape even more theoretical. She peered up at the phosphorescent swirl, but she could see no pattern.
It seemed the aliens, however, could.
“Almost the same illustration, you disgusting skeleton.”
“This being is not an Algolan, you insignificant amoeba. I have been fooled.”
“That is not difficult, you moronic excrescence.”
“You were also deceived, you gullible cyst.”
“Not at all. I have always had doubts, you supporting scab. If it was a princess, why did it have no jewels or treasures or offing works of offing art?”
“None that you recognised, you cultural savage. Algolan or not, this is an alien. Everything on board the lifesaver was alien. I do not yet know what is worthless and what is priceless. That is why I loaded the complete craft on board.”
“That was my initiative, you mendacious particle.”
She was wearing a slate. That was how she understood what was being said; but that was all she did understand.
The aliens appeared to know far more about her than she did, but she was aware it wouldn’t be the best policy to ask who she was.
“Your distress signal claimed you were an Algolan princess,” said one of the aliens.
“I am Princess Janesmith of Algol,” she said, and she wondered why she’d only now remembered the name.
“Janesmith,” she said, trying it again, “Princess of Algol.”
The name sounded right, but was it her name?
“Algolan Princess,” she said, “Janesmith.”
The first of the aliens said, “I heard you the first time, you elite product of generations of selective breeding.”
The second of the aliens said, “But, your fabulous highness, I heard you first. It was I who responded to your graceful request for assistance, and I had the satisfaction of saving your perfect noble life.”
“Shall we cut the coprolite, your patrician apexness? Are you really an upper-caste Algolan?”
“How dare you doubt me!” she said.