I always print two copies of letters, one for a hard file, and the other to actually mail. There was one copy of the nice letter I’d sent before I went into The Spot. There was also one copy of the insane rant I’d just read. The book of stamps on my desk was empty and I knew there had been two or three stamps in there yesterday after sending the first letter. I must have stupidly mailed this second awful thing when I was drunk.
I went out to the mailbox on the corner. Pick up in about an hour at four-thirty. I wandered into The Spot and waited.
I didn’t know her name, but I recognized her from across the street when she pulled up in the mail truck fifteen minutes early. Who ever expected the government to be early?
“Excuse me, ma’am,” I called from the front door of The Spot, then half stumbled down the three steps in my hurry to get to her.
She was busy shoveling envelopes into a white plastic box stenciled with black letters. “Property US Postal Service.”
“Excuse me ma’am, I’d like to get a letter back, I think I tossed it in there last night.” I called half running across the street.
“Sorry, no can do, it’s in the system now.” She said, shoveled the last two or three envelopes in then looked up at me, dead pan.
“Yeah, I get that, but see, I sent the letter in the first place and I forgot to enclose something, actually the check for payment. I don’t want to waste the stamp, if I could just get it back. I’ll put the check in, toss it back in the mail box, you can pick it up tomorrow.” I thought my little white lie sounded pretty convincing.
She smiled, nodded, seemed to consider my logic, and then said, “Nope. Sorry, against Federal regulations.”
“But I wrote the letter, see, and forget to put the check in, so if I could just get my letter back from you…”
“Yeah, I know, happens more than you think. Well, or so folks tell us. Anyway, I’m sorry, but once it’s in the system, we can’t. You could go down to the main Post Office, fill out I don’t know, maybe PS form 8076, oh wait, that holds mail, you don’t want that. They’d know the form number, this going out of town?”
“No, it stays right here, in St. Paul.”
“Oh, well then there’s really nothing we can do, it’ll be sorted and delivered by tomorrow. Did you use zip plus four?”
“What?”
“Doesn’t really matter, in town, it’ll be in their hands tomorrow. Why not just put the check in another envelope, mail it and maybe call them, explain what happened just to be sure.”
“Why not just give me my letter back?”
“Wish I could, but it would be against government regulations, no can do.”
“Come on, damn it, I mailed the damn thing to begin with. Besides, I don’t have another stamp.”
“So for the sake of forty-eight cents you want me to commit a Federal offense, that it? Sorry not happening,” she said and took two steps to her truck, tossed the box onto the floor and began to climb in.
“Aw come on, you gotta be kidding. I think I saw my envelope on top of that pile of letters.”
“Look buddy, I said no. Now, if you’ll excuse me.”
I grabbed her ankle, attempted to get past her to snatch my envelope back.
“Federal employee, mister, that’s assault.” I heard the hiss for a nanosecond just before the pepper spray hit my eyes.
“God, what the… Arghhh, Jesus Christ!” I screamed, and then collapsed down onto my knees.
“This is driver eleven twenty. Repeat, One, one, two, zero, assault on a federal employee, in progress. Subject has been neutralized. Please dispatch, repeat please dispatch. Corner Randolph and Victoria, repeat corner Randolph and Victoria.”
Chapter Fourteen
I think I was in the back of the squad car, I wasn’t sure because the paramedics told me to keep my eyes closed and my head tilted back. I was following their advice, doing just that. My eyes were on fire, my nose was running and my face felt raw. I could hear the paramedics laughing with the police officers a few feet away.
“Stuff’s lethal, man. We had to put a German Shepard down once, some mail carrier sprayed the thing. It was a blessing to shoot the poor dog.”
“This is so great, I can’t wait to tell my wife, she’ll go nuts that Dev was pepper sprayed by a Post Office gal, she hates him.”
Isn’t that cheery? Laughs all around after being assaulted by some reactionary wench who literally went Postal on me. Luckily for me I knew my arresting officer, Timmy Callahan. We’d played hockey on the same pee wee team. His wife Shelia had never quite fallen for my charm ever since I threw up on her prom dress junior year. It had been a particular off white color, unfortunately I’d had a number of bottles of Red Ripple. I vaguely remember leaning over to stare down her low cut top when things began to…
“Mister Haskell, I want you to keep your eyes closed and your head tilted back. I’m going to help you out of the car and we’re going to flush those eyes again.”
“Am I going be alright? Will I be able to see? This shit still really stings.”
More snickers.
“Yeah I think so, you might want to get checked out, but usually twenty-four to forty-eight hours does the trick. Okay, there you go, that’s right, just step out nice and easy. Keep the eyes closed, head back. Good, real good.” He was saying all the right things, but I could tell he found my predicament hilarious.
“Shit’s still burning, man.” My eyes were killing me, my face felt like someone took a belt sander to it and my nose was still running.
“Yeah, she nailed you pretty good. I’d guess once you were down she gave you a couple more squirts just to keep you there.”
“Did Timmy arrest the bitch?”
“No Dev, I just took her name, we’ll put her in for a Citizen of the Month award. You know keeping the streets safe, dealing with local riff raff, that sort of shit.” This came from off to my right somewhere. Even with my eyes closed, I recognized Timmy’s voice.
“Thanks a lot. That bitch is a menace to society.”
“Okay head back, this is going to feel nice and cool, it’s just water. A good long shower when you get home should go a long way in getting you back to normal. You’re going to have some swelling for a day or two, a little redness. Might be a good idea to have a doc check it out. Just to be on the safe side.”
The water was refreshingly cool washing over my face and I moved my head slightly left to right as he slowly poured the water onto my face. The burning in my eyes was reduced substantially.
“How we doing, feeling better?”
“Much better, much better.”
“Keep those eyes closed, yeah that’s right. Now, the stinging is going to return a little, so when you get home hop in the shower. I wouldn’t make any plans for tonight. And you sure as heck can’t drive. Officer Callahan offered to give you a ride home.”
“So, I’m not going to jail?” I asked.
“Well, I guess that’s up to your arresting officer,” he said, suddenly sounding deadly serious.
Chapter Fifteen
“You fucking idiot. What the hell were you thinking? Attacking some postal chick picking up the mail, you must have lost what little brains you’ve left.”
I was riding in the back of Timmy’s squad car, eyes closed, head back, just as the paramedic had instructed. I had the sense we were really moving fast. My head was bouncing off the back seat, none too gently.
“Hey, I told the bitch I just wanted a letter back. I forgot to put the check in. What? All of a sudden it’s some sort of federal crime to pay your bills on time?”
“Bullshit. She said you stumbled out of the bar, smelled like beer, tried to grab the mail out of her truck, pushed her aside, then you grabbed her. Sounds like assault to me, dumb ass.”