After the success of Fletcher's Cove, he'd started typing again. He'd read the title Parson's Grove and worked patiently for twenty pages. Unenthusiastically. What he'd learned from his experience was that he'd never liked writing, that instead he liked to talk about. it and be called a writer, but the pain of work did not appeal to him. And this way, when his mind wasn't engaged, the work was even less appealing. To be absolutely honest, Eric thought, I should have been a prince.
He'd put off typing Parson's Grove as long as possible. The money came so easily he didn't want to suffer even the one week he'd calculated would be necessary to complete the manuscript.
But Jeffrey had alarmed him. There's no money? Then I'd better go back to the gold mine. The goose that laid the golden egg. Or what was it a writer's helper used to be called? Amanuensis. Sure, that's what I'll call you, Eric told his weird machine. From now on, you'll be my amanuensis. He couldn't believe he was actually a millionaire – at least on paper – flying in his own Lear jet, en route to New York and the Today show. This can't be really happening.
It was, though. And if Eric wanted to continue his fine life, he'd better type like hell for one week to produce his second book.
The jet streaked through the night. He shoved a sheet of paper into his amanuensis. Bored, he sipped a glass of Dom Perignon. He selected a cassette of Halloween and put it in his VCR. Watching television where some kid stabbed his big sister, Eric started typing.
Chapter Three… Ramona felt a rapture. She had never known such pleasure. Not her husband, not her lover, had produced such ecstasy within her. Yes, the milkman…
Eric yawned. He watched a nut escape from an asylum. He watched some crazy doctor try to find the nut. A babysitter screamed a lot. The nut got killed a half dozen times but still survived because apparently he was the boogey man.
Without once looking at the keyboard, Eric typed. The stack of pages grew beside him. He finished drinking his fifth glass of Dom Perignon. Halloween ended. He watched Alien and an arousing woman in her underwear who'd trapped herself inside a shuttle with a monster. Somewhere over Indiana – Eric later calculated where and when it happened – he glanced at a sheet of paper he'd just typed and gasped when he discovered that the prose was total nonsense.
He fumbled through the stack of paper, realizing that for half an hour he'd been typing gibberish.
He paled. He gaped. He nearly vomited.
"Good God, what's happened?"
He typed madly, Little Bo Peep has lost her sheep.
Those words were what he read.
He typed, The quick brown fox.
And that was what he read.
He scrambled letters, and the scramble faced him.
By the time he reached LaGuardia Airport, he had a stack of frantic gibberish beside him, and to make things worse, the typewriter jammed. He heard a nauseating crunch inside it, and the keys froze solidly. He couldn't make them type even gibberish. It's got a block, he thought and moaned. Dear God, it's broken, busted, wrecked.
We both are.
He tried slamming it to free the keys, but all he managed to do was hurt his hands. Jesus, I'd better be careful. I might break more parts inside. Drunkenly, he set a blanket over it and struggled from the jet to put it in the limousine that waited for him. He wasn't due at the television interviews until the next day. As the sun glared blindingly, he rubbed his haggard whisker-stubbled face and in panic told the chauffeur, " Manhattan. Find a shop that fixes typewriters."
The errand took two hours through stalled trucks, accidents, and detours. Finally, the limousine double-parked on Thirty-Second Street, and Eric stumbled with his burden toward a store with Olivettis in the window.
"I can't fix this," the young serviceman informed him.
Eric moaned. "You've got to."
"See this brace inside. It's cracked. I don't have any parts for something strange like this." The serviceman looked horrified by the sheer ugliness of the machine. "I'd have to weld the brace. But buddy, look, a piece of junk this old, it's like a worn-out shirt. You patch an elbow, and the shirt tears at the patch. You patch the new hole, and the shirt tears at the new patch. When you're through, you haven't got a shirt. You've just got patches. If I weld this brace, the heat'll weaken this old metal, and the brace'll crack in other places. You'll keep coming back till you've got more welds than metal. Anyway, a weird design like this, I wouldn't want to fool with it. Believe me, buddy, I don't understand this thing. You'd better find the guy who built it. Maybe he can fix it. Maybe he's got extra parts. Say, don't I know you?"
Eric frowned. "I beg your pardon?"
"Aren't you famous? Weren't you on the Carson show?"
"No, you're mistaken," Eric told him furtively. He glanced at his gold Rolex and saw that it was almost noon. Good God, he'd lost the morning. "I've got to hurry."
Eric grabbed the broken typewriter and tottered from the building toward the limousine. The traffic's blare unnerved him.
" Greenwich Village," Eric blurted to the bored chauffeur. "As fast as you can get there."
"In this traffic? Sir, it's noon. This is midtown."
Eric's stomach soured. He trembled, sweating. When the driver reached the Village, Eric gave directions in a frenzy. He kept glancing at his watch. At almost twenty after one, he had a sudden fearful thought. Oh, God, suppose the place is closed. Suppose the old guy's dead or out of business.
Eric cringed. But then he squinted through the windshield, seeing the dusty windows of the junk shop down the street. He scrambled from the limousine before it stopped. He grabbed the massive typewriter, and although adrenaline spurred him, his knees wobbled as he fumbled at the creaky junk shop door and lurched inside the musty narrow shadowed room.
The old guy stood exactly where he'd been the last time Eric walked in: hunched across a battered desk, a half-inch of cigarette between his yellowed fingers, scowling at a race-track form. He even wore the same frayed sweater with the buttons missing. Cobweb hair. Sallow face.
The old guy peered up from the racing form. "All sales are final. Can't you read the sign?"
Off balance from his burden, Eric cocked his head in disbelief. "You still remember me?"
"You bet I do. I can't forget that piece of trash. I told you I don't take returns."
"But that's not why I'm here."
"Then why'd you bring that damn thing back? Good God, it's ugly. I can't stand to look at it."
"It's broken."
"Yeah, it figures."
"I can't get it fixed. The serviceman won't touch it. He's afraid he'll break it even more."
"So throw it in the garbage. Sell it as scrap metal. It weighs enough. You'll maybe get a couple dollars."
"But I like it!"
"Have you always had bad taste?"
"The serviceman suggested the guy who built it might know how to fix it."
"And if cows had wings – "
"Look, tell me where you got it!"
"How much is the information worth to you?"
"A hundred bucks!"
The old man looked suspicious. "I won't take a check."
"In cash! For God's sake, hurry!"
"Where's the money?"
The old man took several hours. Eric paced and smoked and sweated. Finally the old man came groaning up from his basement with some scribbles on a scrap of paper.