Gradually, with the love of my family and friends, I began to climb from the darkness. But the gap of three years between the publication of The League of Night and Fog in 1987 and The Fifth Professions 1990 gives an idea of the black hole that almost swallowed me. It took even longer for me to return to short fiction. The following story's unusual technique communicates the psychological state I was in. If you've ever taken a fiction-writing class, you know that there are three main viewpoints: first person, third-person limited, and third-person omniscient. Each has strengths and weaknesses. But there is a fourth viewpoint, one that is almost never used because of its limitations: the second person. Instead of "I" or "he" and "she," the author tells the story as "you." It's unconventional and problematic, but why not try it? I thought. Just once. To violate a taboo. To add to the lack of convention, I decided to use the present tense. But for a purpose. After all, the way a story is told ought to have something to do with its subject matter. Here, the main character is so stunned by what he has gone through that he feels detached from himself and thinks of himself as "you." Past horrors are constantly being replayed in the present tense of his savaged mind. "The Beautiful Uncut Hair of Graves" received the Horror Writers Association award for the best novella of 1991.
The Beautiful Uncut Hair of Graves
Despite the rain, you've been to the cemetery yet again, ignoring the cold autumn gusts slanting under your bowed umbrella, the drenched drab leaves blowing against your soaked pantlegs and shoes.
Two graves. You shiver, blinking through tears toward the freshly laid sod. There aren't any tombstones. There won't be for a year. But you imagine what the markers will look like, each birth date different, the death dates – God help you – the same. Simon and Esther Weinberg. Your parents. You silently mouth the kaddish prayers that rabbi Goldstein recited at the funeral. Losing strength, you turn to trudge back to your rain-beaded car, to throw your umbrella on the passenger seat and jab the button marked defroster, to try to control your trembling hands and somehow suppress your chest-swelling rage, your heart-numbing grief.
Eyes swollen from tears, you manage to drive back to your parents' home. An estate on Lake Michigan, north of Chicago, the mansion feels ghostly, hollow without its proper occupants. You cross the enormous vestibule and enter the oak-paneled study. One wall is lined with books, another with photographs of your precious father shaking hands with local and national dignitaries, even a president. As you sit at the massive desk to resume sorting through your father's papers, the last of them, the documents unsealed from your parents' safe-deposit box, your wife appears in the study's doorway, a coffee cup in her hand. She slumps against the wall and frowns as she did when you obeyed your repeated, so intense compulsion to go back – yet again – to the cemetery.
"Why?" she asks.
You squint up from the documents. "Isn't it obvious? I feel the need to be with them."
"That's not what I meant," Rebecca says. She's forty-nine, tall, with dark hair, a narrow face, and pensive eyes. "All the work you've been doing. All the documents and the meetings. All the phone calls. Can't you let yourself relax? You look terrible."
"How the hell should I look? My father's chest was crushed. My mother's head was… The drunken bastard who hit their car got away with just a few stitches."
"Not what I meant," Rebecca repeats. Using two hands, both of them shaky, she raises the coffee cup to her lips. "Don't make sympathy sound like an accusation. You've got every right to look terrible. It's bad enough to lose one parent, let alone two at once, and the way they died was" – she shakes her head – "obscene. But what you're doing, your compulsion to… I'm afraid you'll push yourself until you collapse. Don't torture yourself. Your father assigned an executor for his estate, a perfectly competent lawyer from his firm. Let the man do his job. I grant, you're a wonderful attorney, but right now it's time to let someone else take charge. For God's sake, Jacob – and if not for God, then for me – get some rest."
You sigh, knowing she means well and wants only what's best for you. But she doesn't understand: you need to keep busy, you need to distract yourself with minutiae so that your mind doesn't snap from confronting the full horror of losing your parents.
"I'm almost finished," you say. "Just a few more documents from the safe-deposit box. Then I promise I'll try to rest. A bath sounds… Lord, I still can't believe… How much I miss… Pour me a Scotch. I think my nerves need numbing."
"I'll have one with you."
As Rebecca crosses the study toward the liquor cabinet, you glance down toward the next document: a faded copy of your birth certificate. You shake your head. "Dad kept everything. What a packrat." Your tone is bittersweet, your throat tight with affection. "That's why his estate's so hard to sort through. It's so difficult to tell what's important, what's sentimental, and what's just…"
You glance at the next document, almost set it aside, take another look, frown, feel what seems to be a frozen fishhook in your stomach, and murmur, "God." Your breathing fails.
"Jacob?" Your wife turns from pouring the Scotch and hurriedly sets down the bottle, rushing toward you. "What's wrong? Your face. You're as gray as – "
You keep staring toward the document, feeling as if you've been punched in the ribs, the wind knocked out of you. Rebecca crouches beside you, touching your face. You swallow and manage to breathe. "I…"
"What? Jacob, tell me. What's the matter?"
"There has to be some mistake." You point toward the document.
Rebecca hurriedly reads it. "I don't understand. It's crammed with legal jargon. A woman's promising to give up two children for adoption, is that what this means?"
"Yes." You have trouble speaking. "Look at the date."
"August fifteen, nineteen thirty-eight."
"A week before my birthday. Same year." You sound hoarse.
"So what? That's just a coincidence. Your father did all kinds of legal work, probably including adoptions."
"But he wouldn't have kept a business affidavit with his personal papers in his private safe-deposit box. Here, at the bottom, look at the place where this was notarized."
"Redwood Point, California."
"Right," you say. "Now check this copy of my birth certificate. The place of birth is…"
"Redwood Point, California." Rebecca's voice drops.
"Still think it's just a coincidence?"
"It has to be. Jacob, you've been under a lot of strain, but this is one strain you don't have to deal with. You know you're not adopted."
"Do I? How?"
"Well, it's…"
You gesture impatiently.
"I mean, it's something a person takes for granted," Rebecca says.
"Why?"
"Because your parents would have told you."
"Why? If they didn't need to, why would they have taken the chance of shocking me? Wasn't it better for my parents to leave well enough alone?"
"Listen to me, Jacob. You're letting your imagination get control of you."
"Maybe." You stand. Your legs unsteady, you cross to the liquor cabinet and finish pouring the drinks that Rebecca had started preparing. "Maybe." You swallow an inch of the drink. Made deliberately strong, it burns your throat. "But I won't know for sure, will I? Unless I find out why my father kept that woman's adoption agree-merit with his private papers, and how it happened that I was born one week later and in the same place that the woman signed and dated her consent form."