Kip smiles and then pulls me into him, kissing me so softly I should be swooning but instead I feel my panties dampen more.
“Stay the night with me,” he says. “We can rent paddleboards in the morning.”
I shake my head against his lips, my stomach tying in knots again. I’m getting too caught up, mixing up what I want and feel with what reality is. I know this is all part of it, but I’m failing at keeping my emotions and my body reactions separate. Kiss him? Yes. Like him? Fine. But feel anything past that? Absolutely not. I need to put distance between us, and fast.
“I can’t, all my sisters know I’m out with you on a first date. I can’t just not come home,” I say. “I may have gone out in my sweats and screamed at the top of a Ferris wheel tonight, but I’m not ready to brave the walk of shame into my sorority house yet.”
“Didn’t that kind of already happen after the poker game?”
I glare at him. “That was different, I didn’t stay the night with you. I was just out all night.”
“Can’t you pretend that you’re out all night tonight?” His blue eyes are pleading with mine, but I give him a pointed look and shake my head. “Fine,” he concedes, pulling me closer. His hands grip at my skin like he wants to be inside me, like any tiny space between us is too much. “Paddleboarding though?”
I sigh. “Are you going to keep annoying me if I don’t do it tomorrow?”
“Obviously. Besides, we need to start figuring out your tournament schedule. I’m serious about helping you with poker this semester.”
I roll my eyes, but I know he’s right. I haven’t even looked into other tournaments since the underground one two weeks ago and May is going to be here faster than I think. I need to get my head in the game, but right now it’s too focused on the one I’m playing with Kip. “Yes, I’ll come back in the morning. But I need to go tonight.” For many, many reasons.
“Deal,” he agrees, moving in to press his lips against mine once more. They’re barely there before they’re gone again and we’re walking down the beach. Kip calls the same cab from earlier and tells him to meet us where he dropped us. When he ends the call, he turns to face me. “Oh, one more question.”
“What now?”
He pulls the stuffed shark from the plastic bag and tucks him back under his arm. “Where do we get a board for Sparky?”
I sneak back into the sorority house just after two. It’s not that late, but I still open and close the front door as quietly as I can before tiptoeing across the foyer. I’m almost to the stairs when a voice comes from the living room couch, making me jump.
“Good night?”
I clutch my heart and let out a large breath. “Holy shit, Big. You scared the living hell out of me.”
She smiles, but it looks forced. “Sorry. I was waiting up, wanted to know how it went tonight.” The way she says it, hushed and hesitated, makes me think she doesn’t really want to know. She wants to know how the plan is going, but she doesn’t want to hear how the date went.
“It was nice,” I say, falling down into the couch cushions next to her. I lean my head back and look over at her, trying to ease the worry laden on her face. “We went to dinner and to the pier, nothing special,” I lie. Technically, that is what we did, but it was definitely special.
That kiss was special.
Erin relaxes a little, her shoulders loosening, but not enough to make me feel comfortable. She opens her mouth to ask me something, but thinks better of it and just smiles instead. “Good.”
I nod and yawn, exhaustion catching up to me. If I’m meeting up with Kip early for paddleboarding, I need to at least try to get a couple hours of sleep. “I think I’m going to turn in, Big. Let’s catch up tomorrow?”
“Wait,” she says as I stand. “Has he asked you to the A Sig Valentine’s Day dance yet?”
I scrunch my nose. “No, and I doubt he will.”
Erin nods, silent for a moment before saying, “No, he definitely will.” She pauses, crossing her arms and thinking for a minute. “When he does, you’ll say yes. And that’s the night you blow him off. I’ll be there with Chance Griffins, it’ll be perfect. Chance is a dog and will surely do something to piss me off, Kip will be heartbroken, and by the end of the night we’ll be consoling each other between the sheets.”
I cringe inwardly at that thought but try my best to hide it. My heart is racing, beating hard against my chest like a trapped animal. I swallow and focus on taking deep breaths. “Okay, sounds like a plan.” No, it definitely does NOT sound like a plan. I’m not ready, not yet.
But I don’t have a choice.
Erin nods once, sort of smiling, before sitting back down on the couch. There’s nothing on the television, which lets me know she’s not okay. All I want to do is go up to bed, but Erin is my Big, and no matter what’s going on right now, I love her.
I sit back down on the couch and pull her under my arm. She hesitates, but finally rests her head on my chest and I lean my head on hers. “You okay, Big?”
She sighs. “No. I’m stressed the fuck out. Being president is amazing, but it’s a lot of work. I’m falling behind in class already and I feel like my social life is consumed with meetings and philanthropy work. I’m happy, but, I don’t know…”
“Can’t you take a break? Let J-Love and Lei handle some of the weight for a while? I know you like to be in control, but maybe just let a few of the smaller things go so you have more time.”
“Yeah, I guess I could,” she says. “You know how I am, though. I just feel like if I don’t do everything, it’ll all get messed up.”
I laugh. “I know, Big. But trust me, the girls know what they’re doing. Your G-Little is pretty smart, too. You should ask her to help.”
She leans up and looks at me. “Really?”
I nod, thinking of my Little. “Seriously. She’s amazing. I really hope you two can get to know each other more.”
“I do, too,” Erin replies, smiling. She tucks her arms under her thighs and looks down at her toes. “Do you hate me for what I’m making you do? Be honest.”
Yes.
Please don’t make me do it.
“No,” I lie, letting out a long breath. “I mean, I’d be lying if I said it didn’t bother me to play him this way, but I want to be president. I want to keep our Greek line tradition. And I know that you would do the same thing for me. It’s about sacrifice sometimes, and I’m pretty selfish all of the time, so it’s a good lesson.” It’s only half a lie. I hate playing this game, but I’m serious about our traditions. This sorority has been the one constant in my life for the past two and a half years. These girls woke me up from a coma I didn’t know I was in. They helped me discover who I am, to break through my insecurities and become someone I’m proud to be. I want to lead these girls, even if it takes a heartbreak to get there.
God, I hope it doesn’t hurt as much as I feel like it will.
Erin smiles, her eyes watering a little. “Ugh, sorry. I’m such an emotional wreck right now.” She laughs and wipes away a tear. “You just make me so proud, Little. You’re going to be an awesome president. I love you.” She wraps me in a hug and I lean my head on her shoulder, her touch feeling strange now that Kip’s hands have been around me. He’s ruined my skin.
Great.
“I love you, too.”
She sniffles, pulling back from our hug. Her eyes pause on my pants. “What are you wearing?”
A laugh bursts from my lips. “It’s a long story.”
I sit with her a while longer before finally retreating to my bed. Jess wants all the details but I promise her we’ll talk tomorrow and force myself to close my eyes for a few hours. I want to sleep, I’m exhausted, but it’s pointless – my body won’t rest. I feel Kip’s touch everywhere – on my skin, my lips, in my hair, in my soul. It’s suffocating. I check my phone for the time, but the first thing I see is the date. It’s just past three in the morning on February first.