I sigh, pulling the covers up and over my shoulders. Cassie leans her head on my shoulder and I drop mine onto her head. At the end of the day, there’s nothing to sort through. I can’t have Kip. Period. End of story. I need to repeat it.
I can’t have Kip Jackson.
I can’t have Kip Jackson.
I feel my eyelids grow heavy, Jennifer Lopez’s voice lulling me to sleep.
I can’t have Kip Jackson.
I can’t have Kip Jackson.
Just before I drift off to sleep, the words morph on their own.
I will have Kip Jackson.
After Writing for Television class, I make up a bogus story about Kip having mono as an excuse for his absence last week and today. I tell Dr. O’Neal I can give Kip my notes but that he obviously wasn’t here to turn in his paper and I know he loves this class and that he probably has it done but just can’t bring it in. I’m scrambling, I know I sound like an idiot, but screenwriting is important to Kip and I don’t want his grade getting fucked up over a frat trip.
Dr. O’Neal smiles and shakes his head. “It’s okay, Miss Thorne. Kip turned in his paper via email. And I’m perfectly aware of his… illness. I was a Greek once too, you know.” He winks and I offer a shy smile.
“Thanks, Dr. O. I didn’t know that, actually.”
“I know, I know,” he says, looking down at his eccentric clothes – blue bow tie, bright yellow suspenders – now that I think about it, it is kind of fratty in a way. “I don’t exactly dance to the same drum as most fraternity brothers, but that’s what my frat liked most about me, I think. Sometimes it pays to be different.”
I smile at that last line, thinking that Kip would completely agree with him. He nods once more before gathering the last of his things and leaving the class room. I pull out my phone, debating whether or not to text Kip. I type out a few different options, erasing them all and finally deciding to just shove my phone back in my bag. The New Member Bonfire is tonight and I know the drill – he won’t be allowed to have his phone until the fire is lit.
My stomach is in knots thinking about the fire – what he’ll say to me, what he’ll look like, if he’ll even look at me, if he’ll be different, if he’ll ask me to the dance. That last one is what bothers me most. I want to go to the dance with him, which is what makes it so hard because if nothing has changed, then I know he’ll probably ask me, which is what I want but what I actually don’t want at the same damn time. Because if he asks me, that means I’ll have tomorrow to get my story together on why we can’t be together. I’ll have to end everything for good so he can run into the willing arms of Erin, which I know won’t happen anyway.
Will it?
He says Erin is in his past, but if I ditch him, will that change? Erin makes what they had back then sound so amazing, so maybe he will be tempted to go back to that – to find it again with her.
My head swims and my stomach turns at the thought of watching them be together. That’s the end goal, that’s what I’m supposed to be working for, and yet it literally makes my skin crawl. I don’t know if I could be around them.
Snap out of it, Skyler.
I have to let him go. I have to not care. There isn’t another option in this game, no matter how badly I wish there was.
When I reach my room, Jess and Ashlei are browsing through my closet.
“Oh good, you’re home. Try these on.” Ashlei tosses a handful of hoodies in my direction, some mine and some I’ve never seen before. Everyone in the Greek community goes to the New Member Bonfire. It’s the first time the pledges, now new members, get to wear double stitched letters. Everyone else wears their letters, too – it’s similar to rush but with a completely different feel.
“Are you seriously dressing me up for the bonfire? It’s a bonfire… like, outside, in the dirt.”
“And? You need to look fucking hot, Sky. Try these on so we can see which one flatters you more and then we can pick accessories. And you’re lucky it’s in the dirt. We’ll settle for cute boots, though wedges would look much better.”
“You’re not freezing my toes off to look cute at a New Member Bonfire.”
“I said we’ll settle for boots, grumpy pants,” Jess reiterates. “Did you forget that Kip is going to be there and you haven’t talked to him or seen him in over a week?”
“Oh! Kip is going to be there? Well I’ll be damned. Must have slipped my mind.” I roll my eyes, pulling the first hoodie option over my head. They both shake their head in unison and I move to the next.
“We’re just trying to help,” Ashlei says.
I sigh, showing the next option – a light blue zip up hoodie with bright pink KKB letters.
“Oh, I love that one! Brings out the blue in your eyes and you could show some cleavage. Put that one in the maybe pile.”
“I know you’re just trying to help,” I say, unzipping the hoodie and throwing it to the side. “I appreciate it, I do. I’m just…”
“Nervous? Scared?”
“Yes,” I mumble, my eyes on the ground. “I just really need to push him away tonight while also making him think I’m still completely into him. It’s a mess… I’m a mess.”
“You’ve got this, Sky,” Jess says encouragingly. “Who has the best poker face in the game? Who can bluff their way out of a speeding ticket? Who can play every single boy for a complete fool and leave them begging for more?”
I don’t answer, so Ashlei moves over, grabbing another hoodie option and placing it in my hands. “You, that’s who. I’ve never seen a girl who can play the dating game as well as you do. You get to have the fun you want without all the drama because somehow you keep every guy at just the right distance. Don’t let this kid get under your skin. You’re so close to being done with this stupid game and then you can focus on your tournament in May and more importantly, Spring Break.” We all laugh a little at that and I can’t help but feel inspired by their words.
“You girls are right. I do this all the time, I don’t know why I’m letting him get to me.”
“Just brush him off. Pick out a pair of ripped, tight-as-fuck jeans and a hot sweater and we’ll do your hair and makeup. You’ll look and feel sexy and invincible and before you know it, you’ll be breaking his heart and moving on. End of story, next book.”
I nod, though the thought still makes me feel sick. “Okay, let’s do this. Make me pretty.”
Ashlei shakes her head. “You’re already pretty, we’re just going to make you feel it.”
Jess and Ashlei smile and I pause for a second before pulling them both into a hug. It’s overwhelming sometimes how much they do to help me. I could never put an outfit together without them unless it was jeans and a t-shirt. They don’t have to do this for me, but they do it because they love me. And regardless of us masking it under making me “look hot”, it’s more than that – these girls, my sisters - they know the key to making me feel my best. And when I feel my best, I play my best. And when I play my best, I win.
I need to win tonight.
I have to win tonight.
No more falling, no more letting my guard down – it’s poker face time. Put on a show, leave him begging for more. Bing, bang, boom – done.
The girls finally agree on the blue zip up and the tightest pair of jeans I own. They frame my ass nicely and have small rips down the front, exposing my thighs. It’s still early, so we head downstairs to make lunch, Jess and Ashlei still arguing about whether my hair should be up or down tonight.