“Are you ready for this?” Jess asks as we reach the kitchen.
I nod, feeling the confidence settling inside me again. I don’t want to hurt Kip, but this is the only way. It’s like a band-aid I’ve been peeling at slowly and now I’m finally ready to rip it off and get it over with. Poker face on, walls up – game time.
“I’ve got this.”
I have to admit, after the exchange I had with Adam a couple weeks ago, I wasn’t sure if joining a fraternity was the right move. I started to question myself, to wonder if all I was doing was distracting from Skyler and what I have to do here. But now, wearing the double-stitched Alpha Sigma letters and sitting around the bonfire with my new brothers, I know with absolute positivity that I made one of the best decisions of my life.
When I showed up to the fraternity house a week and a half ago after Skyler left my place, I had no idea what to expect. The text was vague – just demanding that all pledges report. On the way to the house, I ran through the notes from my new member book in my head, reciting founders, dates, principles and values. I expected a quiz, another ice bath, hell an obstacle course – but I would never have guessed what actually waited for me.
When I arrived, I stepped through the door to an empty house. Once the door closed behind me, a bag was thrown over my head and I was taken to our secret initiation location.
I was scared shitless, not only of initiation but of leaving things with Skyler the way they were. The older brothers took our phones and we only had one day with internet to turn in our school assignments and one phone call to our parents. They watched over our shoulders the entire time, I had no chance to reach out to her.
I have no idea what’s going through her head right now, and that scares me more than having a bag thrown over my head ever could.
“You’re gripping that cup a little tight there, bro,” Kade says, motioning to the red plastic cup now slightly dented in my hand. I switch hands and stretch out my fingers, trying to loosen up and let the tension out. More and more people are showing up to the bonfire, dressed in their letters and already getting buzzed. I scan the crowd for Skyler, maybe a little too eagerly, but I’m past caring about how I look at this point.
“Sorry. I’m just nervous to see Skyler tonight,” I say, a little more openly than I expected. I guess after spending almost two weeks together learning everything there is to know about each other and our fraternity, shit like that comes out easier than before. Of course, I didn’t exactly tell my brothers everything about myself.
Some things are just meant to be kept secret.
“Why? Afraid she’s found someone else to bone in the week you’ve been gone?”
I punch his arm. “No, dick, I’m not. I just… when I got the call to go to the house, we were on weird terms. Things were just kind of left hanging while I was gone and I don’t like it. I don’t know what she’s thinking.”
“Well, hopefully for you she’s thinking about how badly she wants to get you out of here tonight,” he says, winking. I roll my eyes.
“You can’t think of anything except sex right now, can you?”
“Hey,” he says defensively. “We’ve been cooped up with a group of fifty guys for over a week. If you’re not thinking about getting laid, I think it’s you that’s the odd one.”
Kade laughs and claps me on the back, standing to grab another beer. I sip on mine, torn between the want to chug it down and ease my nerves and the need to stay sober enough to not make a fool of myself when Skyler gets here. My leg bounces anxiously and I find myself gripping the cup again but I don’t try to correct it.
By eleven, I’ve given up on trying not to drink and the hope that Skyler will show up. Kade and I are playing beer pong against two Delta Beta Gamma girls and I’m slamming back the cups without hesitation now. I’m pissed, I’m confused, and most of all I’m scared I fucked up the entire reason I’m here. Might as well get drunk.
The chesty brunette sinks a cup and I grab it before the ball has even settled in the beer and throw it back. When I finish and set the empty cup down, fishing out the ball to take my shot, I’m met with a pair of baby blue eyes just behind the girls.
Skyler, Erin, Skyler’s Little and a couple other girls are grouped together, drinking and talking, but Skyler stares directly at me. She’s dressed in a zip up hoodie and I assume there’s nothing underneath because I can see her cleavage from here. It makes me want to walk straight up to her and zip it up to her neck and yet at the same time I consider yanking the zipper down instead so I can take her right here and now.
She stares at me curiously and I can’t for the life of me decipher what those blue pools are trying to tell me. She’s not quite smiling, but her face is calm as she appraises me. Her chestnut hair is gently blowing around her face, catching on her lip gloss every now and then. A hint of a smile starts to play at her lips and she turns away, walking with the girls to the other side of the fire.
What the actual fuck was that?
I know she saw me – hell, she looked straight at me. But she didn’t come say hi, she didn’t wave, she didn’t even fucking smile. What the hell is that supposed to mean?
My stomach is in even worse knots now. Although I was nervous about her showing up, the bigger part of me knew everything was fine and we’d fall right back into our rhythm we had before I left. But apparently I was wrong. She’s pissed, or hurt, or sad, or whatever the fuck that face meant and hell if I know the first thing to do to figure it out.
Chesty brunette clears her throat. “It’s your turn, hot shot.” She leans suggestively over the table, pushing her boobs up even more. “Hope you don’t mind a little distraction.” She winks.
I pull my eyes from Skyler and throw the ball, sinking it into the back right cup. Kade gives me a high five and within the next four turns, I make the remaining cups and the game is over. I’m not as drunk as I’d like to be right now, but I’m done playing games. I need to find Skyler.
Kade and I fill up our cups at the keg and walk closer to the fire, my eyes scanning for the light blue hoodie. There’s at least three hundred people here now and we’re in a sea of letters. Kade stops several times as we walk, chatting with our brothers and various groups of girls. When I finally spot Skyler again, my feet stop along with my heart. She’s sitting on a bench on the other side of the fire with her Little.
And Adam.
My jaw clenches with my fist following suit and I crush the red cup in my hand, splashing beer all over Kade’s jeans.
“What the hell, man?” Kade yells, wiping at his pants just and making Skyler look our direction. Her eyes catch mine, Adam still talking in her ear as we stare across the flames. I swear I can feel them burning the air between us, burning my skin and branding me with her gaze. An infernal tattoo.
I don’t even apologize, tossing the remnants of the cup in the nearest trash bin and heading straight for the keg. Kade follows.
“What’s going on?”
I grab a new cup and fill it, my eyes still locked on Skyler. Kade follows my gaze just as Adam says something that makes both Skyler and her Little laugh. My jaw clenches again and I have to use all my focus not to crush a second cup.
“Shit,” he says, drawing out the word as he turns back to me. “Well that complicates things.”
“A little,” I agree, my voice hard.
Kade looks back at them once more before shaking his head. “Whatever man. Brush it off. Come on, let’s go get drunk and see if we can get those DBG girls from the pong game to show us a good time tonight.”
I follow him, drinking the beer from my cup a little too quickly. I don’t give a fuck about those girls but right now I need something to distract me before I do something I’ll regret.
Forty three minutes pass. And yes, I’m counting. I check my phone between entertaining the airhead brunette from the pong game. Kade is enjoying himself, but dear God I think I might start faking my intoxication level just so I have an excuse to pass out. I’ve had more fun writing a school paper than I have listening to this girl talk about herself and pretending I give two fucks.